The Rollercoaster Ride

Up and down, down and up; that's how my emotions have been behaving these past few days. Sometimes I feel totally ecstatic, sometimes I feel utterly rotten. I can be in Heaven in one moment, and in Hell the next. I think even a rollercoaster isn't so volatile, and it sure isn't as unpredictable.

I'm heading up to Penang for some badminton games, and the trip just became that much more worthwhile since My Special someone is coming along. Yes, indeed I am glad for this. But I am also aware that this means two things, two possibilities. This trip is either going to be : Heaven or Hell.

The worst part is that almost everything, my Faith and Hope and much much much more, hinges on the events that will take place within this week, right up till Good Friday. God damn, I sure hope they call it Good Friday for a reason. If not, I'm going to condemn it to Food Friday. Just kidding; that was pretty lame anyway.

Just want that someone to know that she takes up a big portion of my heart, and I ain't going to shrink it one bit.

"Fight all the way to the end and beat all others, until only Death awaits you at the end of it all"
Guess that shall be my new motto, to motivate me for what it's worth. Strength and Motivation are now added to my First Principles, which effectively makes it my First Four Principles. How weird. Wonder if Confucius ever did Math in school. Maybe his abacus ran out of battery and didn't work too well.

Here I Come, Malaysia!! And I'm armed with Loads of NeWater!! On Guard!!

Ignorance is Bliss

And only now do I realise the truth of that phrase. I should have realised it a long time ago, a week ago, but it never came to my mind. Until today, until now. Indeed, ignorance is bliss.

The problem with me now is that even though I know this for a fact, I just can't seem to do it. I can hold it for short bursts, for short periods, but in the end, I still succumb to its enemy : curiousity.
Curiousity killed the cat, I know, but I pray that I am not the cat.

Ignorance requires a lot of strength to maintain, especially when your sense of care and concern for a special someone quadrupled, multiplied. And it is inevitable that at the end of it all, you still succumb to curiousity.

There you see my dilemma. I have strength, I do. But the re-fueling rate is not very high, and I don't expect it to get any better any time soon. So I have to distribute all this strength that I have into Faith, Hope, Effort and Ignorance. Yes, we may all be strong beings, mentally at least, but everyone has a limit to everything. That is the undeniable fact of life. I agree that the limit to mental strength for all these points can be cultivated and grown past its current level, but the fuel for it must be available. A car can only go as far as the amount of fuel it has. If it is to go further, a visit to the petrol kiosk is required. The analogy works for us too, that we have limited strength, and endurance, and we are made to only go so far. To push ourselves further, we conduct conditioning, training, boosting. And that is exactly what I need. I need my strength to be re-fuelled. I need it to be able to push myself beyond my own limits and achieve what I previously thought to be impossible.

And I need it soon. Not that without this re-fuelling I will die out, but just that I can't push as fast as I ultimately have to, in order to win this rat race with myself.

Faith and Hope versus Disbelief and Denial.
The battle of a lifetime.
Tune in to My Heart anytime from now till whenever-I-don't-know-when to catch the latest action Live!
Only One Showing, I won't let there be another screening in future. I sure as hell won't.

Musical Inclinations?

Don't know what's been getting into me, been quite into oldies lately, 60's and 70's music in particular.
Anyway, here's a great song I'd reccommend. Pretty catchy tune to it too, can't seem to stop whistling it in public... Very meaningful if meant for the right person as well...

The Searchers - Sweets for my sweet

Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey
Your first sweet kiss thrilled me so
Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey
I'll never ever let you go

If you wanted that star that shines so brightly
To match the stardust in your eye
Darling, I would chase that bright star nightly
And try to steal it from the sky
And I would bring

Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey
Your first sweet kiss thrilled me so
Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey
I'll never ever let you go

If you wanted a king to keep you smilin'
I'd tell the sandman you were blue
And I'd ask him to keep that sand a-pilin'
Until your dreams had all come true
And I would bring

Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey
Your first sweet kiss thrilled me so
Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey
I'll never ever let you go

And if you wanted a love to last forever
Darlin' I would send my love your way
And my love'd not only last forever
But forever and a day
And I would bring

Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey
Your first sweet kiss thrilled me so
Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey
I'll never ever let you go

Dedicated to the one I love...

For that one special someone

Mm, your love is lifting me higher
than I ever been lifted before.
Ooh, baby, keep it up, sweet baby.
Quench my desire,
and I'll be at your side forever more.
'Cause your love is liftin' me higher and higher.
Your love keeps on liftin' me, oh, higher, higher.

Now once I was down-hearted,
and disappointment was my closest friend.
But then you came,
and he soon departed.
And you know I never seen,
I haven't seen his face again!

Your love is liftin' me
higher, higher, higher, higher.
Your love is liftin' me
higher, higher, higher and higher.

I can only hope that I may finally get a response, once which has not come yet...

Faith? What's that?

Precisely. How do you define Faith? I no longer know, for any faith I ever had is slowly degenerating and flowing away from me. For me, Faith is accompanied by Motivation.
If any of you out there can tell me how to grow Faith, please let me know. I need it badly.

Things still going downhill for me, with little spikes of hope popping up here and there in little short moments. I don't know what actually is making me carry on. Maybe it's Love. I guess it is. What else can there be?

I was never one to believe in true love, honestly, I thought it was just a myth, commonly spoken of but of no existence.
Certain things change people's mindsets, change their impressions of everything, of life and of themselves.
Someone came into my life and did just that. Exactly that. And guess what.

There is true love after all.

But then again, true love isn't all that good, no it isn't.
The problem with it is that it's so true to a point where you feel it as part and parcel of you. It becomes a piece of yourself. It grows into you. And it grows on you. It digs so deep into your heart and soul, and after some time, it becomes your heart and soul. It is now the key to your day, to your life. Without it, you can't feel anything, think anything, much less do anything.
It can really make your day, and it can also really ruin your day. It can make life such a joy, it can make life such a pain. In short, it can cause both extremes in your feelings.

And that's the truth of it. Of True Love.

I like it, and I don't like it.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch

That's what I'm trying to think through now. Trying to convince myself not to be too sure of things that don't seem to sure just yet.
It's hard, really, it is. But it seems like I don't have a choice.

Patience is a virtue.

I'm so going to slap the guy who coined up that phrase.

Never say die.

That's another one. I think that came from the Energizer battery. I wonder if drinking or eating some Energizers will help give you more energy. I know RedBull gives wings but at this point of time, I don't really feel like flying. It's that point in time where you don't know where you're headed, what life and fate has in store for you. It's like such a mystery, except that for me now, it isn't all that exciting. At the crossroads of my life. One path leads down to completion of my missing other half, to eternal bliss. The other path, I'm not sure where it leads, but I guess it's the exact opposite of the first path. Which probably means I get to meet good ol' Satan. That's pretty cool, never thought I'd beat Saddam to him. Yet another interesting revelation.

Trying oh-so-hard to make sincerity my middle name, don't know if there's any progress. What's there to lose? Gonna throw my whole self, including my Godforsaken big ass into this and pray for the best.

The final bit I have to add for now is that judgements must be made with objectivity. What may seem like betrayal may not actually be that, but instead it is known as the revival of faith, of belief and hope. The someone that this is directed to - I promise you betrayal is not my forte and it's not my intention. If you had really trusted me, you would be able to see the truth in our conversation at those unique hours. Once again, the choice is not mine to make, but I can only adapt to changing situations. I am appreciative of the words of concern and advice to cherish life, for it shows that there never really was any wall between us. I guess pride is such a stupid characteristic.

Think I should actually paint the word sincerity on my ceiling so that I'd see it every morning and night. It's an idea. It's a start.

Shitty

Shitty is my word of the moment. I feel shitty.

Ever experience those times when everything you do, or try to do, is always wrong, always a failure? No matter what, regardless of the conscious effort you put in, it is still wrong.

My mind is in tangles again now, thoughts so intricately woven together that I can't even differentiate a pillow from a blanket. Because I don't know how the hell I ended up with my blanket beneath my neck and my legs resting on my pillow. I think stress is the answer. I'm stressed, stressed out with everything and anything on my mind at all. A million things to settle and complete by a certain dateline, a billion things to bear in mind at all times 24 hours a day 7 days a week so that I'll not commit the very same mistake again... My mind is so bogged down with incoherent thoughts that I don't think I can even spell my name straight.

The painful lesson I learn tonight : Don't bother too hard to express your best intentions or wishes, for not only may they get ignored, they may even get rebuffed. Best just to leave it alone and let it be, without sticking your pokey nose into the soup and getting scalded in the process.

Things really aren't going well for me at all. I think I need a change of fate.
To Fate : Please be kind and bring me something nice the next day, lest I decide to become a gay.

Ooh. New word for myself. Morhole. I am a Morhole. I am a moronic asshole. Sounds quite cool.

Alright, I think it's about time I started what I intended to do all along. Blog. Pen down thoughts.
As I said, it hasn't been the best week of my life, but I'm glad as hell it's finally over. Huge relief.

Some things just happen and you really don't know how or why, and maybe you don't have to know why or how, maybe you shouldn't know, but somehow, you still want to know. And sometimes, it's better left unknown. It really doesn't pay to be a pesky irritating doofus. Which is the problem. Because that's exactly what I am, or rather what I was. I regret asking so much, and knowing so much. Yet I don't, because now that I know that I know, I feel a whole lot worse, and a whole lot better.

Wait, don't bother trying to figure that out. I've been trying to the whole day. It's no point, really.

The saying goes, "What's done is done, and it can't be undone. No point crying over spilt milk. Just suck thumb." I can't say it's wrong, but that doesn't mean I gotta like it. It's the truth, really, but it's a truth that just sucks. Poof.

Forgive and Forget are 2 words that are running huge circles through my mind right now and in the past, there would not be any space for these two worthless terms that are nearly non-existent in my recognised vocabulary. Notice the word past. That's the important one. I used to be an ignorant butthead who probably thought I was the architect of the universe. I was more commonly known as an "ass". But no more, no sir.

With greater relevance to this, I shall now declare what I've been out to achieve all this while.
An event with great significance to my life occurred earlier this week and it brought about the ultimate decimation of my heart. If I ever doubted I actually had a heart, I just found out I did. A good thing, nonetheless, and thanks to this latest "development" of my "ass" character, I am able to do this.

The one very special being in my life - I'll do what I promised to do, and I will succeed. Further support will be much appreciated. I love you.

And to he who knows who he is - thank you. I may not like what had happened, but that doesn't mean it isn't useful to wake me up from my damned slumber. I may damn and curse you on the outside, but I sincerely thank you on the inside. To be forgiving is a virtue, one that I am not known for. But I do make exceptions. I just hope it won't happen again, please. I really do not wish to pay the goddamned emotional rollercoaster ride a return visit. I ask for your understanding, I beg for your prudence. Again, thank you, as sincere as I can ever be, as a friend, be it past or present.

So many things in my mind, so many things I want to shout out to the world. The temptation to shout it all out for everyone to hear is so great, yet simple logic and reason take over my much-burdened mind, and I decide not to. It's hasn't really been a good week for me, no sir it has not. But no worries, i tell myself. Sunday has come and gone, or rather, going soon, and soon it'll be a Monday. Which really isn't all that exciting either, you might say, but it sure as hell is a new start of a week for me, and i would celebrate to that.

Except I don't have any champagne at home. Damn.

My second attempt at blogging. I wonder how this will turn out. The previous one wasn't too good, not at all... Upsaid had "graciously terminated" my "services" as I did not have adequate time to dedicate to blogging regularly. What Poofs.

I'm hoping I'll have more time to maintain this account to be active. People, other bloggers, anyone out there at all, please help me by generating the interest for me to pen down more of my thoughts.
Fellow bloggers, you link to me, I link to you... how's that? fair deal? So that I can at least survive on this...
Or else I fear I will have Blogger graciously terminate my services as well. Then I will blame all of you. Muahaha.

Haha, who am I trying to kid... as if I had that many friends...

I need support! More support! The more the merrier! I need... I need... Blog Support!! God, how desperate can one get...