So there, what I said in an earlier entry was totally right. I don't like weekends for it brings me trouble. Brings me a whole lot of unnecessary trouble and bullshit. Some of it is my fault, but some isn't within my control.
Once again, a weekend with so much mixed emotions. One day starting on the wrong note and ending on the right note. Another day starting on the right note and ending on the wrong one. I honestly don't know what the hell is going on.
As of right now, thoughts are swirling in my mind, not knowing what to do, how to do or even to do or not. I don't know anything; everything is so blur and opaque now. Nothing, absolutely
nothing is clear to my soul nowadays. Everything comes with a hidden agenda, an intrinsic value to it. It may be bad, it may be good, but I still don't like shadowy things.
Today's the 18th, and 2 days away from something I made to be my D-Day. Or rather, it's now officially the 19th, 1 day away to my D-Day. D meaning Decision.
Can't help but keep thinking of the future, and the promise the future holds. I don't even know it the
near future can be realised and yet here I am thinking of the distant future. Who the hell am I trying to kid.
Potential, Promise, Hope, Motivation - All the words associated with the future I envision, in my mind at least. With the
Potential comes the
Promise. The
Potential of success, the
Promise of endless happiness and infinite joy. All these come with the
Hope that is fuelled by
Motivation, right from the center of the heart, where everything that matters suddenly becomes so humongous and universal. That's the source of all this problem and confusion and every-other-emotion.
The heart is the organ which keeps our blood pumping, keeping our body alive and basically acts as an engine for the entire system. It is undoubtedly the most important organ; without it, perpetually nobody can survive. When the heart feels down and hurt, it wouldn't perform its duties as well. For instance, when someone gets shot in the heart, the bullet injures it and renders it incapable of continuing service to the rest of the system. Similarly, when the heart is wounded, albeit by emotional means and not physical impact, it still hurts and has the same effect - it makes the heart stop working and causes other inter-dependent systems degenerate and fail.
And that is precisely what is going on with me. No, I didn't get a bullet in my heart, but it sure as hell feels like one. But it's a bullet than comes and goes, a bullet which can dislodge itself from the center of my heart, go for a long ride around wherever and suddenly come crashing back into my heart all over again. It is a very irritating bullet.
And the name of this bullet is Emotion. This is the
Emotion Bullet. To everyone : Beware. This is a very deadly yet strengthening bullet. Because it has caused me to perish inside many times in 3 weeks, and yet, it has also revived and strengthened me with the same frequency. Damn you and thank you.
As such you can see the disparity of my thoughts, the wavering stability, the indecisive certainty. I know what must be done, and yet I don't. I am lost in the wild, yet I don't need guidance. Decisions don't come to me in
yes and
no anymore. Rather, they package as
if yes, then what next and
if no, what will follow. As such, decisions have much greater implications and inherent meanings.
My mental capacity to take all these in has been drained, and next to follow will be my emotional capacity. I have decidely gone crazy from this whole episode, and I fear that next to follow will be an emotional death, one where revival is impossible. Maybe it would be fun to be a couch potato for a bit. Literally.
I'm still going to try my all, give my best, right till I burn out. Why not?
Besides, I ain't got nothing more to lose other than this.
