it's over

It starts with
One thing, I dont know why
It doesnt even mather how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down till the end of the day
Clock ticks life away
Its so unreal
You didnt look out below,
Watch the time go right out the window
Tryn to hold on
Didnt even know, I wasted it all
Just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What its meant to be
Will, eventually be,
A memory of a time,
When I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesnt even matter...
I had to fall, to loose it all...
But in the end, it doesnt even matter...

One thing, I dont know why
It doesnt even mather how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To remind myself
How I tried so hard...
Dispite the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
Im surprised it got so far
Things arent the way they were before
You wouldnt even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end...

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to be, will
Eventually, be a memory of a time
When I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesnt even matter
I had to fall, to loose it all
But in the end, it doesnt even matter

Ive put my trust in you
Pushed as far, as I can go
For all this
Theres only one thing you should know

Ive put my trust, in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
Theres only one thing you should know...
I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesnt even matter
I had to fall, to lose it all,
But in the end, it doesnt even matter

blah

it's at times like these that friends start to be cherished, that good friends are cherished even more. my life has been in shambles for a long time, but it still held a certain meaning and there was a general direction to move ahead in. but not so anymore. people tell me i should find a new meaning for life, and from there a new direction will be derived. but i really can't get my mind off present concerns, they're far too fresh.
everywhere i go, everyday, other than going to camp, i worry about bumping into her. i wonder what it will be like, how i will feel, how i will react. i may break down there and then, or i may want to kill; i just don't know. i can't go anywhere public without worrying about what would happen should i bump into her, what would i do.
drastic concerns call for drastic measures. i really don't want to resort to extreme methods, but it really seems like i've no choice with this. i've tried other methods of discouraging myself from even contemplating the likelihood of redemption for me and her, like staring at the lifelong scar on my forearm, and trying to think of the bad times. but instead of causing dislike, it makes me feel worse for hurting her before and i end up craving to be with her again, to undo past mistakes and rebuild the happiness. but i know it's not to be, i've used up my final attempt at lunch yesterday and it was a massive failure.
i recall one of my dad's friends, who's about 50 now but still not attached or married. story was that during his university days, he dated this girl for 3 years or so, and he was already preparing to propose marriage when she ditched him for another guy. he was subsequently so heartbroken that he had never been able to get over it, nor move on. he could never trust love again because of the hurt it had done to him and he didn't want to risk that suffering and pain again.
that is seriously a bad case of feeling damn jaded, i just hope i don't end up like him because of this. at the moment, it is how i feel, i only hope it won't last. if it does, i'm just damn sad.
i think the people making prozac should come up with something more powerful. i've been taking it more frequently these few days but it doesn't seem to be working at all. i wonder if i could sue them for ineffective treatment. at least then i'd have a temporary direction to move in, as retarded as it may seem.

phases

another phase of my life has taken a turn, for the better or worse, i do not know yet. but it is one that has great effect on my direct mental stability. one of those sensitive and touch-and-go kind of issues. those of you who know what i'm talking about, you should understand; others who don't, forget it.
i thought the next major phase of my life was in fact my ORD from NS, but it was not to be. something had to change majorly, and it just did. so there, a total shocker, bomb dropping and it changed, just like that. within the blink of any eye, some may say. shocking, but nonetheless, depressing.
depression is a state of mental health, and as a result of this state, the person in question tends to suffer from detrimental effects in every aspect, social, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and whatever else there is. i'm quite familiar with depression really, maybe its just a lack-of-stability issue. i don't know, i thought i used to have it, right here by my side, but it's gone and with it, my stable self as well.

i wonder, should we all keep lifelong diaries, where we pen down each and every thing that happens, the decisions that we make each day, as mundane as it may be? do each and every little action we take have a subsequent consequence which ought to be taken note of but we often don't?
that's what i'm thinking about. people often adopt the quote "don't let history repeat itself" or "history always repeats itself". could this be the cause? because even though we have gone thru it before first-hand, when it comes round a second time, we may not certainly handle it the right way around, but rather we may screw it up just as we did the first time. why is this? human nature? gotta ask a sociologist. but think, what if we all did keep a lifelong diary/journal to keep track of things we did that ended up in dire circumstances, and happiness? would we then be able to rationally decipher through all the mixed up emotions at play, mental vs emotional war and in the end, press through with the right decision? i don't know. there is a reason why history tends to repeat itself.

now that this phase of life has passed, a certain part of me is hoping that some of that history would repeat itself, while other parts do not. i guess that's just normal because we all have a natural direction to seek perfection. but we all know there exists no perfection, at least literally. so how would one prioritize whether the wanted-history is worth more effort, or whether it isn't? and whether the unwanted-history is enough to discourage, or whether it is negligible?

i'm so lost, in everything. i no longer know what meaning life holds for me.
i know i'm stronger than i seem, we all are. but knowing and doing are different things.
the thing is, now, i no longer know. i don't know, really. in short, i know nothing.

retribution

retribution - again. but this time, it's mine.
things between mind and heart are at conflict, and yet to be resolved on the inside, but externally, i don't have a choice to exert any influence over. the choice has been made, without any relevance to me and i can't do anything to change it.
oh well, time has come to suck thumb and sit down and be a good boy ... leave it all alone for once and let it be.. maybe take some more smokes too haha..
i say this is retribution because i did this to someone before, and back then i was simply ignorant as to how it felt on the receiving end. as far as i was enjoying myself, everything else doesn't matter. now, God is being fair and giving me a taste of the same treatment i dished out in the past. now i know what it feels like, and u can bet your whole ass that i wouldn't do it again. ever. it feels worse than anything that can be described. can't concentrate at work, can't concentrate at home, can't do anything pretty much except think about it. which isn't a good thing.
pressing times have called for drastic measures, albeit only for a short term. but only then will i be able to pull through this trough in life's numerous cycles of ups and downs.
what goes around, comes around
to the friends who are there for me to help me through it all by listening to my incessant nonsense, thanks loads. i really appreciate every bit of it. without all of you, i probably would be at IMH by now. to those who haven't, i would appreciate any help i can get, especially distractions that can take my mind of things =) thanks.
-----------
to els: thanks for everything in the past 2 yrs, good memories are meant to be kept and cherished, not the bad ones. was bitter initially but i'm getting over it, so yeap, would be nice to just keep in touch at least. take care and best wishes to you both :) god bless

a sweet poem

received an email from alicia who just went back to aust to continue her studies. was hanging out with her before she left; read below entries for more. was really happy with the poem =) really made my day.
licia: thanks loads, i had superb fun with u here too, i think u can tell by reading below entries =)

Love is never lost at all,
Although it hurts bad, you must stand tall;
Perhaps you feel so disrespected,
When things turned out worse than you expected;
So jaded by all this pain and tears,
But normally love instills these fears,
Still I want you to know one simple thing,
That, however broken, your heart will sing.
God made you not to hurt all day,
It may seem so but its His way,
To instill strength and courage of soul,
To give you choices as to where to go;
So think not much of the past,
If you do it will inevitably last,
Just know that I'm here for you anyway,
I'll try my best to brighten your day

licia: will be waiting for you to come back so we can hang out and drive illegally again.. miss ya heaps, girl

decadent me

hmmm you probably would have notice the title of this blog has changed, i shall elaborate on that now.
was having safsa badminton training with the team, when some of us were just talking about life now and they were asking me how i'm coping with single life. so i just told them of how it's going with me now, nothing really of much value except probably meeting old friends for chats and making new ones, but i maintain that it's strictly a guys thing because i'm really not ready for any females to enter my life in a tighter, closer context, it's just not the time.
so then last friday we went to play cs at mechmaster the ah beng cs/pool hang out as a team and some friends rang me up wanting to play some cs as well. in the end, managed to convince lorenzo, lumpy and edwin to join with my guys to all have some fun together and dead fun it was. everyone agreed it was freaking fun since it's so rare to be able to get so many people together to play at one time.
so anyway, my teammates saw me smoking with zo outside before and after playing, which i think must be somewhat of a shock to them. so yea, today during training, was talking to william k and weeky when they asked what my life is like nowadays and started asking about my smoking habits. so then we talked and i was just telling them about how my life is now, booze, drugs, cigarettes and... well that's pretty much it nowadays, other than friends. and they were like, no sex?? haha, that was damn shocking for me to hear, but i said no, not ready and no mood for it, just wanna hang with guy pals. so we discussed the effects of too much smoking, drugging and boozing, saying beer makes you fat, smoke kills your lungs and drugs is just bad. but i know what i'm doing, not really getting hooked to anything other than cigs which i guess isn't that much of a harm.
so then, out of the blue, william k says "wah william you're really leading a decadent lifestyle." ooh, big word. but it made sense and it's pretty true, and kinda more or less portrays my life the way it is now.
so i have decided to stick with this title, till another time when i'm outta this phase of life then i'll think about changing it. but for the moment, though i'm dreadfully single and horribly corrupted, i'm enjoying myself thoroughly, which justifies everything in my current mindset. been through too much shit in past year, time to unload everything and it's just flushing itself out now, uncontrollably.
and now, i'm just looking forward to heading for the full moon party at koh phangan with boon and the guys.. wah 15 guys going to the biggest party in asia, how smashing is that..
just pls don't chide me for this decadence y'all, i need this. it's been overdue for more than a year so pardon me. i need my fun, need my life back.

shack

it's been so freaking shacking lately, damn it. been having late nights, or rather early mornings..
after wed night's late late celebration, went back for training like a zombie on thurs. thankfully i had afternoon rest off, or i'd prob drop dead on the court during training *plop* met up with alicia n alena for drinks at cream bistro then rushed down to work at egames.
met up with them n cheng after work, came to pick me from cine which is pretty nice of them. went on a car trip all over singapore since alicia's leaving.. i took over the wheel for most of the trip, drove to lim chu kang, tuas, ntu, changi etc.. super shiok and shack. i think i'm becoming a bit of an illegal driving addict.. but its nice to drive nonetheless, very relaxing, no need to worry about transport.
by the time we got back to alicia's place, it was like 5 am then tried to sleep a bit but we were all too hyper so decided to grab a nice local breakfast at al ameen.
had pratas and dinosaurs so yummy.. i drove back to her place after that then got ready for her to leave for the airport. sigh. it's really quite sad to always see friends go..
spent fri at training too, then met up with zo, lumpy, edwin for some lan with my team mates as well. had a fricking good time, it's been a long long time since we've had a massive lan gaming session and it was fun as hell. visited clem at monster coz he was working, hit some balls with them and viggish joined us.. went for supper at boon tong kee again then dropped by winebar to pick up andrew n his gf. fucking lumpy n viggish sneaked off in a cab but oh well what the hell, decided to all just crash at my place and try to teach andrew some mahjong. and what do you know? andrew's gf's sis was in my jc too, and apparently she told her some gossipy crap abt me.. now i seriously feel damn misunderstood and all but oh well what the well. tried to teach andrew some mahjong but that was a serious failure, so went to eat cup noodles. took zo's car out for a spin, showed him around sunset then had a smoke break around, just talked about the past and stuff like that. really nice time. went back, andrew n anne (his gf) were plonked out on my bed haha.. poor sucker, thankfully zo took them home since they all stay together like one big happy family haha.
sat wasn't much, had training in the morning too, then slept at home till about 8pm. much needed catch up on sleep but oh shit i missed my driving lesson which was like at 3pm haha. met up with clem des hans boon at pastamania but poor des had to book in for ahm preparation which is just so sad haha i'm a sadist.. sat down n talked with hans for a bit to catch up on each other's lives, then headed down to winebar to watch some footy. pillioned on clem's wave, not too bad, really quite stable actually. shall do more of that, it's quite fun too haha. boon ivan zirong etc the whole gang joined us there, one big smoking alcoholic gang having a good time talking nonsense, no one really seemed to be watching ball anymore. sam also joined us coz clem called her down, had some interesting talk with her too but damn it i dont like to talk about school n studies coz i seriously am not frm njc thank you very much. ben came down too, nice fun. left early, abt 1+ since it was getting boring so we had supper at guess where ?? yes yes boon tong kee again.. 3rd time this week haha. i think they should give me like a membership discount pass or smthg like that haha. had a nice supper n emman joined us halfway to talk cock n all. went our separate ways after that coz sam had to study for exams (yea right) and emman headed to black for more drinks. took a cab back with ben while clem rode over, we all crashed out at my place. and here i am just woken up typing this.

all in all, i'm really quite enjoying myself nowadays, having so much damn fun though i get like a total of 2 hours sleep in 4 days ahaha. it's really been such a long time since i was last single and now i can recall the feeling of what it's like. not that i'm gonna shove away any thoughts of getting together, but it's a nice change, one that's pretty welcome in light of the way my life had been going the past 6 months. so yea thanks again to everyone who bummed with me. it's been cool. and i need to do more illegal driving. i'm addicted haha.

thank you

birthday was on the 21st, and i'm finally freaking 20 years young. i used to laugh at others that they hit the big 2 and all, saying "oh now you're so old, you're gonna get wrinkly soon" .. and now, damn it it's my turn to say it to myself..
didn't really do much, had dinner with some people during the past week, kim n her friends, clem n des, and also my family at tony roma's.. i am a rib addict, but roma's is still one of the best i've ever had.
anyway, the crux of this entry to say thanks to all the people who made all this possible, the entire birthday week i had to celebrate it. it's kinda sad really, because i just realised that it's the last birthday i get to celebrate here with all my friends before i go off to aust. by the time i turn 21 next sept, i'll be all alone celebrating in some aussie pub eating nachos and drinking kilkennys and singing happy birthday to myself..
went down to winebar with clem to meet up with alena and her friends and she being so nice, got me a very interesting tshirt from topshop saying "support your local lap dancers". it's really pretty nice, and she got the right size too! (XL) not that it's really that hard to figure out my size ... =|
when the others (des & zo) got down we had dinner, the second one for me that night haha at the kopitiam across.. finally entered zouk at 1030 and had some nice fun. ordered loads of drinks, bottle of smirnoff and chivas and rounds and rounds of shots and martinis and flamings. my wallet is one sad bugger =( hans, emman, viggy and his gal pals came later on and wah it was so rockingly crowded there. it was supposed to be like a 10 person gathering, became like a 20+ people group with other friends seeing us and joining in. all in all i spent about 400 bucks which is a hell load of cash.. i can eat like 100 packs of chicken rice!!
oh well but it was worth it, i had a relatively good amount of fun and i'm pretty sure the others did as well, some at least. not too bad, made some new friends too, but they're good fun for such social events i guess.
last but definitely not least, my greatest thanks to alicia, without whom totally none of this would have been possible. thanks for all the arrangements, all the discounts, the guest lists and queue cutting. thanks so much, and to aunt esther too. lunch on me sometime soon =)
well, i just wanna say my thanks to all those that made this last birthday here possible, in one way or another.. thanks a lot, it's appreciated =)
but i gotta say this, it would have been much better if my brother jerome was here with us in person, then it'd really be complete male bonding there. but nonetheless, a toast to him in heaven, may the Lord bless him.

party time

it's been an interesting week, at work, at home, out and about.
but the end has come because i now enjoy a 5-day work week! i swear all NSFs will vote for our current PM into ministership again once his current term ends.

last night was really some fun shit. had some lan-gaming, playing cs and all, then all 8 of us heading down to zouk to do our guy stuff.. think that while some people suffer from emotional eating, i'm a bit into emotional drinking. wonder which is the lesser of two evils?
still feeling a little down and depressed about the way things have been, the path that my life has currently taken, and it's affecting me quite a bit but like a friend that spoke to me last night said, "aiyah just fuck it all lar william, you're fucking only 20 yrs old and you're fucking superior in your own right. you don't need a girl to tell u how superior you are, any fuckshit can do that. what's important is that you enjoy life now while you still can afford to, without having to worry about studying or working or family life. just fuck it all away and you will smell the freedom, just like ORD!" (sorry about having to type so many expletives, my friend was pretty high at that point of time so yea..)
i guess what he said made good sense to me, because probably a good 2 years ago, i would be the one dishing out this kinda advice to my fellow buddies when they were down, suffering from depression due to relationship problems. there is a time for work, a time to fix, but there is also a time to relax and destress. so i couldn't really fault what he said.
drinks? bought a round of vodka and sex on the beach shots for everyone, opened a bottle of chivas, couple of beers to go along with all that. result? i'm broke. totally broke. 2 weeks of consecutive drinking with this bunch of lunatics has made my poor wallet lose so much weight haha. but it's probably worth it. money can't buy happiness, it can't buy love, but it sure can buy destress-ants. hahaha.
danced till almost closing time when we all couldn't bear it any longer, the great tummy growl was starting to blare out for all to hear. supper at boon tong kee again, burnt more cash there due to my raving appetite after hours of bouncing to the beats. cab back as well. i'm so sorry, dear wallet of mine.
---------------
i know i don't usually write stuff about daily events and my life happenings because i personally don't think that's really of any value nor importance to most people, but this is an exception. i just had a point to mention that sometimes, when it matters most, we tend to overlook and forget the advice we dish out to others when it should be applied to ourselves. human nature, i would say.

brother

wasn't really doing anything in the office this morning because there was some kinda freak power failure and my bosses all weren't in, so thoughts drifted. came to think of my best friend for the better part of my schooling life, and that last sunday was the one yr anniversary of his passing.

for Jerome Huang

no matter where you are, i hope you're reading this.
you were my brother before,
you will always be my brother.
i miss you.

we met back in primary 1 on the school bus every morning, taking us to school everyday and how we spent endless hours on the bus and in the canteen playing retarded games like the rubber game.
time passed, our friendship grew closer and we became tighter than before. though we were in different classes, we never failed to meet up at any time of the day, even if just to play soccer during recess or after school.
eventually we made it to the same class in primary 5, and we grew closer. when we graduated in primary 6, we told each other we would be in the same secondary school, in the same class. but it was not to be. your psle score was too high from mine to have us drafted into the same class.
but that would not hinder anything, for you moved even nearer to my place and we joined badminton in sec school together. spending days after school at your house were often the most memorable times i had with you, playing soccer on the rooftop of your condo, clicking away on your computer playing championship manager, running around playing with your dog, toofy.
we made our way to school together every morning, meeting at the bus stop and should one of us not be there that morning, the other would be so lonely, having to travel the trip to school alone.
i used to envy the way you had endless amounts of money to spend, the way your parents were so not-strict with you, the things you had so early on when others like myself could never dream of. i always remember the day you called me over after school when your parents bought you the minidisc hifi set and we spent hours on end recording all sorts of nonsense onto blank MDs. we listened to chocolate salty balls until we could recite every lyric and sound by heart.
we always talked to each other about any relationship problems and never failed to be there for the other when either one was down or depressed. we were supposed to study together, but we never did, always ending up walking around town until our parents would call us home.
you would always come over and play soccer at the field in my condo with a group of us, and how we had such fun playing in the rain especially without a care in the world. we all thought we were invincible at 15 years old.
even after secondary school where we ended up in different junior colleges, we still managed to keep in touch. though the first year went by without us meeting more than a couple of times, we revived the friendship in year two without so much as a slight drop in contact, it never felt like we were apart at all.
school ended, and together with clem and des, we had fantastically great times holidaying in HK. shopping endlessly, hugging your treasured nike vapor boots, going crazy over the fashionable designs in HK, commenting that every street in HK was "babe heaven", even sitting on the sand along repulse bay taking spastic photos and playing basketball with a dustbin. till now, i still look through those memorable photos so often and i cant help but feel something missing in my life. the photo of us 4 on the boat to jumbo restaurant still stands tall on my display table.
NS was a testing period for all of us, but peer pressure got us all downgraded one by one, and soon we all became service personnel. the times we had endless nights playing overnight mahjong, eating supper, going clubbing and drinking, these are easily the fondest memories i will take to my grave as well.
i was your best and closest friend, and i will never forget the numerous times you confided in me, telling me how you wish you had a flesh-and-blood brother like me to be there for you when you needed the support, and how we had a tight handshake and hug outside borders on that saturday night where we both had problems of our own to share with the other.
things aren't what they used to be now, because you're not here with me in person anymore, but do not fret, my brother, for you are always and will always reside deep inside where it matters most, where the best memories are kept fresh and living every moment of life.
It's been a year, and we all wonder how you are doing up there, where everything is peaceful and pleasant. we hope you have found your peace, the one thing you have sought after for your entire life.
a toast to you now, my brother Jerome, albeit i'm only holding a cup of apple juice. but it has my deepest soul in it. to you, to us, our past, present and future.
you will always be one of us, one of me, wherever you may be.
i miss you, brother.

i need glue

destroyed, devastated.

i no longer know what value or worth life holds for me anymore.
everything that i had been motivated to do and succeed in life has been whisked away in a split moment, leaving nothing but the trails of a discontented soul.

utterly thrashed, beaten comprehensively, absolutely whitewashed.

live in the joy that you are not dead

but right now, i think i am rather dead already.

how does one go on in life without aims, motivations, objectives to drive them to their goal? i don't even have any goals anymore except probably to get by this trough period. anything after that, i can't even harbor the thought of considering since i don't know whether i'll even make it out in one piece.

broken into a million pieces, each and every one miles apart from the other. difficult it would be, if even possible, to reconciliate my shattered components.

only that one special kind of glue can patch me back up together.
the brand is love.

it has begun

the great battle has begun.

heart versus mind.

emotion vs mentality.

feelings vs thoughts.

affection vs logic.

matters of the heart are not to be taken lightly, but neither should those of the mind.

-------

had a destressing session on fri night with couple old friends, drank quite a bit to down those sorrows and subdue depression. bottles of beer, shots of liquor, cups of cocktails, sticks of smokes; but they weren't enough to counter the simple effect of a depressing sight. i think they'll have to invent a new term to replace the category "alcoholics" if i were to become one in order to drown my sorrows. maybe something like "ultra-alcoholics", then they'd have to send me to "Ultra Alcoholics Anonymous (UAA)" haha.

was a relaxing, freeing time for me, one that i suspect was long overdue but never really that missed. but thats not the high point of my day (night).

it was when i got into my zo's car in town heading to zouk, and his freaking lancer had no handlebars at the top, which every normal car would have above the door; had no cosmetic mirrors behind the sunshade; had a spoilt axle (the part which maintains the balance of the car wheels on either side), which made a very irritating and worrying "tut tut tut" sound throughout the ride. we were all already downgraded, but sitting in his car, with his appropriate driving skills had us strengthen the faith that should we choose to downgrade any further, it would be possible - just one more ride in his lancer and it'd be complete.

although i had a nice chicken rice supper before heading home, still couldn't sleep well. slept in fits and couldn't cease tossing and turning throughout the night (morning). woke up at 10 to see my bolster and blanket sprawled all over the room; one pillow was in the opposite corner of my room. a pity i didn't have my digicam handy to take some pics. it's really quite hilarious, looked like i was doing karate drills during my sleep.

looks like i'll be getting a prescription for some heavy-duty sleeping pills again soon. sigh.

---

no peace. no strength. definitely no calm.

i fall

Packing up the dreams
God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

wihtout a focus and aim in life, i sit here and wonder how to proceed. for i've never been faced with such a daunting task before, one with horrific implications. i'm not trying to exculpate myself from the past, or forge a whole new future, but i just don't know where my life stands right now.

falling in an endless abyss, and falling fast. but there is no rope to pull me back up; instead, there is a strong gust of wind, similar in strength to a hurricane, that assists my speedy trip down the black walls. this is a ride i did not want to take, one that i did not plan, but i probably deserved it, the price i pay. gravity is non-existent in this abyss, and i fall freely. yes, at least i'm free, but i don't know where the ride ends. or when it ends.

people tell me it's just temporary, that i'm feeling all this dejection and cynicism, that things will turn out better tomorrow.

i politely remind them, tomorrow never comes.

my soul - in pictures

regret

was never one to look up lyrics to express my inner thoughts but we all make exceptions.

Maroon 5 - Sweetest Goodbye

Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms open hearts
And if it never ends then when do we start?
I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how i
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel

it's cruel how life is, how nature and fate makes you learn lessons from mistakes made in the past, and only letting you realise that mistake after it's too late. i would have complained that it's not fair, but i know everyone goes through it at some point in life so i don't really have a case to present.

live without regrets, some may say, but i beg to differ. regrets help put your mind in perspective, help force you to consider before making future decisions. these regretful thoughts may hurt and sadden you, but it's what reality is all about, as opposed to idealism. regrets let you truly enjoy and cherish the present that you have, because you know you've been down there before and you don't wanna revisit those lands.

it is this regret and cruel nature of life that i have now come to realise certain things that were not dealt with before when it should have been, but i can only regret, once again, that it is already too late.

one more

oh i forgot one more random quote that came from my office ah-neh, mr vishal. i quote:

...unless for some retarded reason, the heavenly powers decide to fuck you over...

this phrase is used particularly when expressing a very small possibility that something rare is about to occur.

i know it sounds plain stupid and may offend strictly religious guys, but none meant.

i just find that it's a retardedly vulgaristic holy phrase that merges pretty nicely on a whole.

random thoughts

...

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, just as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fire

- La Rochefoucauld


post hoc ergoproctor hoc
[after which therefore because of which]


vox populi vox die
[the voice of the people is the voice of god]

...

zzz..

hmmm..

eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 6/10
Physical: 5/10
Giver: 6/10


You are a RPYG--Reserved Practical Physical Giver. This makes you a 1950s Parent.

You are relentlessly patient, loving, generous and devoted. You are unflappable. If on some rare occasion you do raise your voice or say a swear word in anger, anyone around to hear it will remember it (and think it was funny). At the same time, you're very cute and charming, and even if you don't catch someone's eye at the beginning of the night you'll surely have their attention by the end.

Your calm, conservative nature conceals a passionate (and sexy!) heart.

You can have trouble bringing up problems, but your approach to conflict is calm and even-handed. The problem can be is that you are so busy worrying about your partner's satisfaction that you don't ensure your own. This can build up over time and make you restless. Despite your sexual nature, you are more likely to cheat emotionally than physically.

You tend to work out your frustrations in the bedroom. Depending on your partner, this can be an excellent strategy. You would be a great candidate to balance out an XSYT, but not a good match for an unappreciative RPYT.

You have an odd, ritualized vice that doesn't suit the rest of your persona -- like smoking a certain brand of cigarettes or drinking a certain kind of wine.

Of the 52780 people who have taken this quiz, 5.1 % are this type.

hmmm.. i'm not really all that thrilled to be a 1950s parent really, not when i'm about 20 yrs old now haha.
but oh well, it's just another test, just like any other, so i guess it isn't all that impt even though some parts are pretty true i must admit.

------------

been pretty busy with work lately, in camp and outside. been shuttling a lot between camps because my boss is leaving this camp for a new one and i will prob follow him as well. means no more wireless internet access and that sucks =( no more chatting with pals online and surfing retarded things like this heh.

started working on a regular basis part time over at egames and now my slots on sat and sun nights are fixed, with the hope that i can get some weeknight slots as well. so if u intend to ask me out on sat or sun night, dont bother, i'm not free, but u sure can pay me a visit at the shop haha.

caught the show harold and kumar go to whitecastle and i tell u, it's the funniest shit on this earth. you all should really go watch it, even if it costs 8.50, it's still damn worth it. the laughs you will get out of the show, i nearly laughed my butt off the chair, but thats partly because lido seats are quite small and crammy for my big ass.