itchy feet

so then.. mc on thurs and fri highly unproductive, spent more time snoring the hours away in bed.. met des n clem for dinner on fri night, had sanlao at queensway then kbox at cine where sam, zo and mic joined us. caught white chicks which is a funny flick though i've seen it before.. walked sam to her car then went down to monster for a quick round of balls.
but that's not the important bit. i have a lesson to instruct to all today.

went to smu today(sat) to help out sam at the ltb camp with little kids. pretty fun, haven't really done any bbq-ing for a long time.. met very funny people like val(laugh till red like a lobster), max(italian buaya) haha. now it would have been all perfect if, just IF it didn't rain like a freaking overpiss from the skies. flooded the whole area. and it so happens i was wearing my nike no-sock racers. it's made predominantly of cloth, and so, it got drenched, just like my feet and jeans. rushed to work at egames after i was done with bbq duties, with WET SOAKED FEET that squirked water with every step that i took. yech. the whole fricking night, i had stinky feet that my coworker ameet couldn't stand and frankly, neither could i. thanks to the rain that have soaked dirty smelly water into my shoes and subsequently into my feet. argh. finally got home and showered and scrubbed and scrubbed at it but it still stinks!!!
thankfully, tanya (thk you =)) gave me good advice to put some powder and wear a sock, else i would be dead within 10 minutes, from my own stenchy feet. but it's so DAMN itchy i cannot help scratching. i know it's disgustingly sick but SHIT IT IS SO DAMN ITCHY!!! so i have stinky fingers from scratching my feet too much now as well. ugh. i put dettol HYGENIC talc powder haha i wonder if it really helps. and i have to bear with the stench when i wash my soaked racers tomorrow. maybe i should just throw them away, so frinking stinky. bleurgh.

so my lesson for today: don't ever go 10 hours with soaked feet in a pair of water-absorbing soaked shoes without changing out of them until you get home and end up stinking the whole house and your own room which you have to sleep in the whole night because the stink and ITCH is so intolerable you will scratch until your fingers end up stinking like your feet as well. it's so bad that the stink from my feet can even mask the smell of cigarettes on my fingers. i am so sure that i am developing foot rot right this moment. i only await the inevitable arrival of foot worms. eck.

but on the other hand, i recall vaguely from somewhere that foot rot can get you several days worth of mc. hmmm... dilemma.

crashed

last night was a mess. it was dead fun, but a fun mess.
after cs-ing at egames, went down to zouk with zo, clem and des. wanted to open bottle at members but zo drove so he couldn't drink much, and clem is a constant drink-reject. so in the end we just had jugs upon jugs of beer and some greentea martell. played 5-10 cantonese style and fucking zo is hilarious at cantonese. maybe because he's a filipino haha.
kim came down with leo so i bought them lychee martinis each and with that i have cleared my long-standing debt with kimmie to buy her a lychee martini. (haha happy now kim? xP) hanged around members till sam, andrea and her friends came down.. had some trouble finishing up the drinks coz everyone left, only me, zo, sam and andrea were left at the table struggling to finish up the drinks. inevitably, we left the drinks unfinished and ran away from the table to phuture to hit the dance floor. danced a short while only before we had to go out to take care of des coz he wasn't feeling too good.
sat outside with clem, zo and sam trying to relax des.. never seen anyone get drunk and suffer the effects of finger cramps (???) after drinking too much.. went off to eat bakkuteh for supper with them all, and i decided to accompany des since he looked pretty bad and lonely puking all alone so i puked too! and fuck, it hurts so bad i swear i will never ever force puke out again when its not natural.. i swear.. freaking pain as hell man my guts.. anyway, bukkutteh is good after drinking. the pepper kicks in like nobody's business, fucking shiok feeling.
zo was damn nice to send us all back to my place and also send andrea home.. i think we ought to repay him his petrol charges haha.. feel quite bad always scrubbing off him for his car.. got back to my place with clem and des, waited till des finally crashed out on my bed then clem left and i crashed out too.
plans for thursday (today) : take mc. haha

prime thoughts

actually about to rush out for a night of fun and more decadence but i simply had to blog this down before i left because it's at the prime of my thoughts.

people, especially in the same country and same era, inevitably have numerous links here and there, a social network resembling a spider's woven web, and it is unavoidable to discover these as we go on in life.
no, i'm not saying i've a lot of friends, or that i'm very social. but this is the truth of how society works. so please don't be surprised that mr so-and-so whom you know may well end up being another person's friend as well. in greater focus, someone's enemy may well end up as one's friend's friend. the enemy of your enemy is a friend, as they say, but what about the friend of a friend who is supposedly your enemy?

i have this to say. if for some goddamned reason you have problems with your social life or friendships or whatnot, then deal with it your own bloody self because it's your mess and you shouldn't drag others to pull you out of it. not with the way you jump the gun and assume the worst. that's not only illogical, that's plain unreasonable. and for the love of god, please don't go using reverse psychology or whatever self-condoned methods you have up your sleeve to put the middle people on a guilt trip. if they are truly worthy of your friendship, then i think a little trust and faith in them is definitely not much to ask. your insecurities with friendships are precisely just that. your insecurities. no one else's. go find the solace that you need swooning in your partner's arms or whatever, but please don't fucking drag in others and indirectly dupe them on a guilt trip, especially when you have termed them as friends, so to speak. that's just disgusting in its purest form.

i say this because i have no fear of it. i fear no words, i fear nobody, i fear nothing, because my conscience is clear as crystal and if u should choose to so judge me as arrogant or anything else then tell it to my face, so i'd know how shallow you are.

just had to say that before i left. time to scramble now.

pop quiz

got this from kim's blog, credit is hers and i'm just a freeloader.
it's not that hard but interesting to think about. can you solve it?

there were 3 men who rented one room for one night at a cheap hotel. because they were the last customers for the day, the owner decided to give them a discount. the cost of the room for one night is actually $30, but the owner gave them $5 off and charged them $25 instead. the 3 men gave the cashier $30 and went up to their rooms to wash up and wait for the change. the cashier then decided to pocket $2 for herself as she thought that the change of $5 would be hard to split between the 3 men equally. so here's the thing. the original cost of the room is $30, and $30 divided by 3 is $10 each. giving the change back to the 3 men would mean that each man paid $9. $9 x 3 = $27. the cashier pocketed $2, which means $27 + $2 = $29. question is - where did the $1 go?

simply happy

extremely wonderful weekend just went past, pure simplicity in its nature.

had a late night on fri, then slept in till late on sat to cover back some sleeping hours. planned to head out but the rain was a real pisser so stayed home till i made my way down to work at egames, spent the whole noon packing the shitload of mess that has accumulated over several weeks. i seem to be packing my room all the time but it still seems to be messy all the time as well. hmmm.
work was good, struck a deal with fellow coworkers who were damn nice and all, so i left at 845 to meet sam and jas at wisma to shop a bit and grab dinner. met them at this forever 21 shop and wah i tell u, very soon all the shops in orchard are gonna be like it, same pattern as zara, mango etc etc. how boring that would be. hahaha sorry girls, don't kill me haha. yea then had dinner at the jap restaurant opened by the cheesecake brand. and we were the solitary customers there. how enticing. food wasn't too bad, price was pretty alright too. but it really looked too damn "up" for most people to think of stepping in.
went over to lido to get my coworker's taco bell orders and some kfc, then took a ride back to cine from sam (thk you =)). worked extra hard the last couple hours till closing as agreed per the deal with them to let me go earlier on. barbie came by at closing so me, ameet, her and ben went down to glutton's square to grab supper before heading home. sat down and ate and talked nonsense again till i cabbed home at 5+.

crashed out till late sunday morning, but felt damn bad coz i was supp to get up early to send my dad off to the airport at 9am but obviously i couldn't get up, and though i managed to enjoy superior sleeping hours without waking up at all, i still felt damn guilty about the whole thing. got up and talked nonsense with jas online till it was time to go.
walked out in the freaking rain (drizzle haha) to buy jas and sam's lunch from the kopitiam outside my place then cabbed down to smu.
and smu system administrators are a sucky bunch. i can connect to the network, but can't utilise their proxy. which means i can't use the net. so felt damn useless sitting there while sam, jas and chris studied away. took a walk around, met mitchie and victoria, such a shocker. discussed my options and chances of getting into smu with mitchie and isa for a bit then met vic to help her with her stupid tattoo project. i felt like such a experiment under observation or smthg like that haha.
got chased out of our study room by some craps so had to go over to evans instead. but it was still fun. they studying over there while i sat there reading my book and doing mundane stuff on the comp like playing jardinians hahaha.
clem came down in the evening, so we went off to buy them dinner frm adam rd market. ta-paoed the food in his little bike then had a sumptuous meal in the study room which is obviously illegal but fuck it haha. fagged a lot the whole night, but it was good also.
and jas: you better go see a doctor, understand? you sick thing, haha next week i bring for u tracksuit, with the pants also hahaha.
packed up around 9ish while zo, lumpy, vig, andrew, terence and clem made their way to my place. followed sam along to send jas and chris home then all the way back to my place to watch the match together.
had a bit of mahjong first then we all sat down to watch the match. simply wonderful is how we felt, financially and sentimentally hahaha. ate loads of snacks also, so much for my lose-weight scheme. they all went back after the game while clem crashed at my place.
spoke a lil with sam online before turning in and hahaha her ex-bf is how funny i can't take it. simply amusing is the term i choose, despite his death threats towards me haha. simply thinking about it makes me laugh to myself hahaha.

though it wasn't anything special, just a very normal weekend, i liked it. haven't enjoyed such refreshing moments for a very long time, simple stuff like sitting there reading in the company of friends, watching ball in a big group and getting all noisy and rowdy.. it's fun, and i wish it could be routine, but alas, man united don't play arsenal every weekend. but thanks to all who came down, we should do it more often. then we can listen to lumpy's and vig's lameass jokes and offer charity laughter.
but nonetheless, glory to united. hahaha. 2 - 0 hahaha. arse-anal just got analed themselves.
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been a whole lot happier nowadays, feeling much lighter than i've ever had in a long long while, so i guess anyone should be happy for me coz i'm pretty happy for myself too. little simple things make me happy now, things that probably would never have caught my eye before in the past now get me grinning beyond my ears.
i guess it's right that people who are special to you really can make that much of a difference with the simplest of gestures, though they may not know it.

Raindrops keep falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he' got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are falling on my, head they keep falling

But there's one thing I know
The blues he sends to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Crying's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me.

thurs/fri

i am still sick and it sucks! fricking coughing with every step that i take, in the office, out in town or at home. some are so bad i thought i would really cough my guts out. oh fuck i just coughed one of those like 2 seconds ago.
went down to zara to get marcus a birthday present then to his party at thumper @ goodwood park. met loads of people there, even bumped into a nj senior (accck!). that stupid fag opened like 8 bottles of martell vsop and had freeflow shots all round. damn shit. and as everyone knows, i am somewhat of an alcoholic now. result? i got a little drunk, but god knows it felt good. kept having toasts for every little reason, played number games the whole damn night with dry martell and smoked cigars. the entire cast of pck came down along with some other mediacorp artistes, then some of the guys starting asking marcus if fiona xie was invited. hahaha, a pity she wasn't hahaha. hit the dance floor and i must say the live band is quite some good shit, doing quality renditions with patrons' requests. the good thing about this sort of music is that there isn't a predefined kind of music for the entire night, like mambo or house. they played all sorts, ranging from oldies, to rock, to pop, to jazz and r&b and even had some chinese! initially i thought being alone at such social events would suck but it got pretty fun and i didnt leave till it was all over at 4+.
was smashed at work on friday due to hangover, had my head throbbing throughout the day but luckily had no real work to do then training in the afternoon so could relax a little. rushed back frm training at ssc (fucking far shit) then rushed out to pick kim frm her workplace. went to tampines with her to do some shopping and dinner. bought her a little black velvety skirt which looked damn gd on her =) followed her to get her new 7610 and boy you shoulda seen how ecstatic she was! it was so cute haha beaming at the new phone and all that hahaha. it's a pretty nice feeling knowing people around you are happy, makes you happy to a certain extent too. had dinner at some ramen shop then sent her home.
clem called so rushed down to monster to meet him for some 9-ball till desmo came. walked in the rain to cine, changed tickets a couple of times then finally got tix for wimbledon midnight show. sat down at starbucks with them and sam, fagged a couple till movie time. show's pretty nice, sweet to a certain extent but such sweetness feelings are void within myself nowadays. supper at prata bomb at thomson before taking a ride back, courtesy of sam dropping me off at jas' place.
actually saw my ex on the way back to meridien to get the car after the show and well, shocked i must say. that this is what she has turned into, and no offence meant, but even without sourness or sore feelings, she's really gone bad. the look, the appearance, the image.. it was all rather.. unsightly. i don't know why, but she just really seemed so very un-her. all that elegance and class i had known before, the simplicity within, as if it had all dissolved into thin air and crafted out the ornate new her. oh well, as long as she's happy i guess, since she's reaching her 1 mth with her new beau too, but i can't help feeling queer. last night's sighting was a total shocker, but was she like that all along, only that i was blinded by love (or seemingly love) or had she changed with recent developments in her personal life? fuck man if it's the first option i'd really be fucking disgusted with myself. ugh. those who know what i'm rambling about, pls tell me. i need a slap from reality, even if it was to effect the past only.
time to scram my pinky ass to work @ egames now. and it's fucking raining. argh fuck i hate travelling in wet weather. my boat shoes get soaked and my toes get all quishy. fuck fuck.

sick... again

fri night was a killer, as i said earlier. stoned at home to rest on saturday morning and early noon then went down to work in the evening. started pretty well, but ended on a horrible note after a big quarrel with a particular coworker. oh well. it got me really really agitated which in turn aggravated my sickness.
oh well. got back home around 5, crashed on my bed at 6, and got up at 10 for a footy game. thankfully lorenzo didn't mind me being a thickskinned scrubber, so i hitched a ride from him in return for bringing some bread and cheese slices to let him devour with immense joy. haha.
match wasn't too bad, rather surprised myself with my stamina which apparently hasn't really degenerated but instead improved after habitual smoking. interesting discovery of the day. had a long lunch (3hrs) at the kopitiam ard there and we sat down and talked nonsense about footy, saf "secrets" and all that bull.
got home at around 5, lazed at home while the rain poured then saw a doc at about 7. fricking gave me antibiotics. again. sigh. and mc for monday. yay. had a nice dinner with my dad at crystal jade, and it sucks to eat porridge almost 3 days in a row, but no choice - for the better of my throat. but still, aaaargh.
relaxed at home till i took an early night for the first time in about a decade. haha. i meant that figuratively. konked out at about 11 and slept a wonderful 12 hours till monday noon. woohoo.
had lunch with my dad at the a. club then he was pretty nice to drive me all the way down to ubi to get my replacement pdl. the original got chewed up by the washing machine, remember? faaark.
farking waited an hour plus to get a farking piece of green paper. really inefficient is all i can say about the service there. so then went on home to relax for a bit, till des, clem and zo came over for some "friendly" mahjong haha. played till about 1am when they all went back to camp.
camp was normal, less the rain which wanted to make me sleep the whole bloody day and also due to my "this may cause drowsiness" medicines. flew down to egames to work and farking hell, virus attack again. fricking irritating, but still left and got home in one piece.
so it's time for me to catch 40 winks in 4 hours, about 10 per hour only, which is obviously not enough.
and no, i don't think i am in any condition to zouk on wed night so pls don't tempt me, all you evil people.

beer-biotics

i have learnt a new lesson the hard way.
never drink beer when you're on an antibiotics course. it is deadly.
i made that silly mistake last night. i've been on antibiotics for my fever, flu and gastric (yes i know i sound damn sick and in fact i really am) and i made the mistake to go down to zouk last night. haha. damn you emman, but ah it's alright la, gave you my word i'd go anyway so i'd stick to it. so, yea. beer, or any alcohols for that matter, don't go well with antibiotics, or probably any medication for that matter too. and it didn't help that i drank about 4-5 mugs. not that much by normal routine standards but with medicine, woah, my head was pounding like a hammer on a nail for the whole damn night. could hardly stand up straight without having to endure the throbbing pain in my head.
interesting part came later at 2+ when leonora came to find me sitting outside getting air. and her gd fren was so super wasted, clinging onto the carpark gate as a gf would to a bf. and doing stupid things to poor edwin, but haha it looked quite funny. high entertainment value there. agreed with edwin that the two ladies were in no condition to go back on their own so he sent leo's friend back while i sent leo back.
had some time alone while i was at the table at phuture, did some light thinking (i know it sounds damn off but i was alone and bored so i just thought) and well some things came to light though i was never really aware of them.
the depression stage, the bitterness stage, the jealousy stage are all over and done with. been there, done all that, so i'm just gonna leave it there to rot and not bother with them anymore. life goes on, as everyone has been telling me.
friends are worthy of our love, sometimes more so than our partners (other than husbands/wives) so i guess for what it's worth, whatever love i have left inside of me and whatever love can grow within myself, i'm gonna dedicate it to my friends.
friends that have been there for me right from the start, at the midway points, even at the end. every stage was crucial for that's how fragile it really was. i know it's normal human nature for all of us to enjoy being appreciated and it also feels just as good dishing out the appreciation as receiving it. nonetheless, enjoyment aside, my appreciation is sincere.
- min, clem, des, kim, andrea, michelle, leonora, lorenzo, lumpy, emman, hans, samantha, another samantha, tanya, guan, alena, alicia, liongkoon, weijian, vish and any others that i may not have listed here because i have a horrible memory of late due to alcoholism and my decadent lifestyle.
you've all helped me in one way or another thru all the hard shit for the past month or so and i just wanna say thanks, i appreciate every bit of it.
i've said it many many times before and i'm still going to say it again. friends are hard to come by. loyal, solid ones who'll stick by your side are even harder. i guess it was a blessing in disguise to have my previous relationship ended, so that i may realise the true value of quality friendships. maybe it's just a temporal phase, maybe it's a permanent fixture, i don't care. whichever it may be, i'm still enjoying every bit of it because it feels much better than i have in a long long time. and i will go on enjoying it until i can find any greater happiness in life.

past

back from a chillout and talk cock session with clem, des and sam at wala. not too bad, nice way to spend the night, trying to drink more harmful drinks and smoke more harmful sticks to get my throat really really bad so i can report sick sometime soon and get a nice mc again haha..

something was said during the conversations that i think is worth offering an opinion.
heard frm several people from all places, like everywhere, that bad word is being spread about me. by who, i shall not disclose. but i have this to say.
i fear nothing from my friends for they should have passed judgement on me right from the start, and if they don't judge, even better. for others who want to judge, well i have a clear-conscience.
i will not say that i am perfect or that i had been perfect, and i have indeed made numerous mistakes in life, just as i'm sure everyone else has. but things that aren't true, well if you choose to believe it then go right ahead because it would also reveal your own personality.
things may be said about past events, past occurrences that were simply plain bad. but people can change, and people do change. judging a person's character based on word of mouth is as good as looking at last season's champions and throwing all your savings on them in the first game of the new season. why? because the first judgement would form the first impression, just as your first penny made you the fortune that you are now throwing to bet.
as i've said before, stop living in the past, and basing everything you think or see from events that happened in the past.
i'm not saying that i've changed to become perfect now. no, not at all. but when you here of how fucked-up someone was before in the past and his/her flaws, people naturally go "oh my really? wow what a horrible person" and there, the first impression is made. why not, for a moment, just consider that if he/her had made those mistakes in the past before, he/she has learnt the lesson the hard way and will ensure that it doesn't happen again.? think about it. i know history tends to repeat itself, but that doesn't apply to all events.
and i would like to think that it no longer happens to me. take note: i say no longer because it used to but i'm not letting it now.

simplicity

past couple of days have been rather enjoyable. enjoyable in its own simplicity. that there aren't any deep thoughts to bother me, no memories to linger on to hold back my happiness, and of course the fact that i've got mc for wed and thurs haha.
so let's see.

tuesday: had half day of work at camp coz all my bosses went for some seminar and the whole office block was practically empty at 2pm. so my fellow clerk and i, being the proactive and initiative people that we are, self declared half day off and went home on our own. =) came home to hang around for a bit then met andrea in town to help her pick her clothes for some office presentation thing on thurs. i tell you, girls should never ever wait till last minute to do shopping for any event/occasion. it is pure hell. haha. but nonetheless we managed to find something quite suitable for her at wisma at not too costly a price so it's good.
andrea: hope the outfit was suitable, then at least i know i have somewhat of a fashion sense haha. went on to work at egames till late after that, met up with tanya at the "dark unlit park at witching hours", as she so politically put it. talked about the utilitarian aspect of friendships, and some other mundane stuff. but it's good. much better than my usual routine of sitting outside 7-11 talking to the cashier and fagging away after i get back from work.

wednesday: decided not to go to work because i was too freaking tired, so called my boss to tell him i'm taking MC. just had to help him finish up the report and send it to him over email then it'd be no problem. so wouldn't it make sense then that i could easily just work from home and not go to camp every morning so tediously since i'm his personal assistant and we both have email access all the time? i could just do all his work from home and send it over and it'd be so much better! ah well, ideas that only give me hope but will never happen. got up at 10 plus to go see the doc at holland v, then my other officers and clerk called me up for lunch. ended up having a big meal at crystal jade at hv. they all came over to my place for ice cream and a general discussion on mahjong tactics, but alas we had no time to play coz they had to go back to the office.
went out at 4 plus to meet kim in town, accompany her for some quick shopping, walked around a whole lot and in the end, we walked until centrepoint from wisma, then turned back to wisma cos she wanted the top from fcuk at wisma haha. my poor degenerating legs. =( bought her the tube top she liked, and damn, she looked hot in it!! haha i sound like a perv. just hope it can keep her happy for some time during her retarded company audit haha. stressful, i can tell.
met zo and emman for some cs-ing at egames then went over to zo's place to slack around before picking up his friends and chionging down to zouk in his little lancer family car. hahaha. had a good time there, music wasn't too bad and the company was just fab. drank loads of beer with ben and zo, smoked a total of 12 sticks so i think i'm dying soon haha. gonna end up like that sick picture on the top of those marlboro boxes haha. had light dancing then chilled out at winebar coz phuture was getting too squeezy. had some fun playing sam's new bf in front of her ex who is still trying to control her, which i feel, is total CRAP. i dunno, get a kick out of pissing shitheads off lately. =) had supper with a rather large grp: sam, andrea, panda, boon, ben, clem, dennis, zo. no prizes for guessing where we had it: btk again. went back to zo's place then grabbed clem's bike and we went on an expedition to do some illegal stuff but i shall not disclose it here for fear of getting arrested haha. got home around 530 then konked on my bed at 6.

today: plans are in motion to go down to town to get new badminton shoes later on and hopefully meet up with some people for coffee or something. supposed to tidy up my room and all coz it's in a really messy state but oh well, i am a professional procrastinator. haha.

feeling really good lately, meeting up with people i haven't really met in some time and enjoying simple company. even coffee and talking crap is great nowadays. simplicity in itself is quite satisfying, so i've learned.

and it's even better that i just had woodfire pizza for lunch!! now all i need is rain to fall so i can take a wonderfully comfy afternoon nap.

aha!

i'm tired, i really am. getting very little sleep the past couple days. chionged on friday, worked on sat and sun, had family party till late on mon and here i am working on tues. i get a measly amount of sleep and i really don't know how i manage to get by. i need sleep, but i'm not getting it =(

was actually prescribed with 2 weeks of medical leave by my shrink coz of my current state, but i choose not to use it because i really don't want to end up stoning at home alone all day long and start having my mind think depressing thoughts again. so i'm not gonna use the 2weeks of mc. i think most fellow nsfs would have my head for not using that mc. either that or they'd prob try to buy it from me. and what's more, my shrink says i can get mc from him if i really don't feel up to going to work. so basically, i have medical leave of indefinite duration which i am not using. haha. i don't even believe myself.
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http://www.ebay.com.sg/viItem?ItemId=4329478289

got that link from samantha, thanks, credit goes to you. now go take a look at be freaked out. i could really think of many many other things that i could do with that amount of money *ponders*
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i have come to a decision to help myself.
due to a somewhat popular demand for me to stop smoking my lungs to tar, i have decided to listen to some advice, but not entirely.
instead of smoking menthol, i shall switch to menthol lights. but the effect would be less which means i may just end up smoking more often and more sticks at a time. so it's probably gonna have the same result anyhow. haha.
but to those who've been telling me to stop, whether old or new friends, thanks all the same. this thing called care is something i don't really get much nowadays so it's pretty appreciated when i do get it.

out: menthol.
in: menthol lights.

i guess it would help also, should i ever end up getting attached to someone new and she doesn't like smoking. it'd be easier to kick the habit with lights i guess, so the benefit there is twofold.

unfortunately, they don't make tiger beer light, so i can't really help that part. i'll just stick to tiger and heineken really. but hey, at least i've been laying off the hard liquor for some time. that's gotta be a good thing. actually it's just because i was broke so i couldn't afford hard stuff. but i just got pay! and so, friday night is gonna be hard liquor night for me!

friends are made of smirnoff, or something like that..
came from a shirt lumpy wore some time back, kinda makes sense to me now haha.

huffhuffpuffpuff

in response to lumpy's bitching abt my smoking at his blog, i have decided that the next time i go club with him i will fag 2 sticks at a time and blow twice the amount of smoke in his face as i did last friday. just to irritate him and see that stupid mimicking action of pushing the smoke away from his face haha.
and speaking of which, i realised that i need to save money for my trips coming up, but i'm still clubbing like nobody's business? sigh, no choice, need distractions to occupy my time so my mind can't roam freely with depressing thoughts.
but you're all welcome to kindly donate to the help-will-get-cash-for-holidays fund. i accept all sorts of payment: cash, credit, debit, paypal, even bank draft!
distractions, distractions.. i need more of them.. sigh..

plethora

just finished a nice extended family reunion kind of dinner buffet hosted at my place, had quite some fun catching up with all my cousins and nieces and playing xbox and mahjong with them among the gossip and talk.. or at least they all one by one decided to ask me "where's your gf?" and i had to break the news. i tried to maintain an indifferent face to it, but i guess i failed coz they all ended up saying "oops sorry, lets not talk abt that now then". =|
and i'm not pleased with my parents! i told them i'm getting really really fat and chubby and tell them to stop feeding me so much food, and first thing they do is cater a full buffet for dinner with all my favorite dishes, which rather happens to be the entire family's fav foods, like laksa, rojak, satay, chix rice and all that sinful crap. as a result, my tummy now looks similar to the hump you commonly see on the roads, only without the yellow stripes.

had a session with my shrink earlier this afternoon as well, clarified some stuff and gained some new insights and perspectives on things. i guess i'm just coming to terms with the reality of not having her around anymore, and that's why it kind of hurts badly. time heals all wounds, i say once again. but the discouraging bit is where my shrink says for my sort of character who is extremely sentimental (and i don't deny that, it's quite true if you know me well enough), i'll probably take longer than normal to get through this rough patch, ranging from about 3 to 6 months instead of the regular 1 to 2 months.
oh well, i take this with a pinch of salt and a smile on my face, i know i can do it since the choice isn't mine anymore. in fact, it never was my choice to begin with. i thought drastic measures aren't good, but my shrink tells me not to shy from doing anything that i think will help my mental and emotional state, so drastic measures i shall adopt, in time to come. to further assist me, i have been prescribed 1000mg prozac tabs to take everyday, up from the current alternate day dosage. sigh.

anyway enough of those depressing thoughts for now.. kind of looking forward to my overseas trips coming up! 4 trips in 2 months! now who would believe i'm in NS? haha.. going up to hk with my fellow clerks and an officer, then to thailand with some good friends, then to nz with my family, then back to hk again for the annual family reunion. my greatest dilemma now is planning my financial expenditure since my parents have clearly indicated they will not be funding my own vacations. damn it, haha.
---------------

Like anything, the theory of love can be learned. You can learn to recognize it, even understand it, by reading descriptions in books, watching films or hearing the love stories of other people. But you cannot learn love only by studying the theory. Like driving, you have to do it - Know it, feel it and ultimately experience it. And then you can truly give it. So lift your head and see the beauty and love in the world around you. Then do it. Love is not hard to find. Love is hard to give. You cannot dictate the terms on which love is given. You can only be grateful for it.

Free will is a treasure. How well you exercise it will reflect on how much you love yourself.

Before you jump into a relationship with both feet, wait until the other person is well and truly over their past relationship. If they are still in the wash-up mode of disentanglement, it's better to hang back. It can be turbulent in the wake of another ship's departure. Best to wait until the waters are calm once again.

just a couple of thoughts alicia was nice enough to dig up for me to cheer me up.. i guess these may just be quotes but such things now hold a certain inherent meaning to me. thanks licia, real sweet of you =) appreciate it.
---------------
starting to smile more nowadays and able to go longer hours without thinking about past events and reflecting on it all the time which really gets me very down. shrink says i have to get out more, and avoid being alone coz that will cause instability when one's mind can roam freely, unchecked.
thanks to all my great friends, i've been doing not too bad throughout this period, and i hope it will go on and improve. thanks to everyone who's been there for me, at one point or another, for hearing me out and hanging out with me. without all you people, i wouldn't have been able to come through so far, and i'm sorry, but it's not over yet. so i'm gonna continue bugging all of you for a long long time to come =)

idiot me

i am an idiot.
IDIOT.

i left my provisional driving license in my berms and threw it into the washing machine. so what happens when a thin pathetic piece of paper goes into the wash?

disintegration occurs. to my pdl. damn fick.

so i have to go all the bloody hell way down to ubi to replace it. what the bloody idiot am i doing. argh.

anyway, these are quotes that define my mindset for this moment. i woke up still feeling good, as i was last night when i posted the previous entry. pray, stay this way i tell myself.

live and let live.

time will heal all wounds.

i feel good. slightly hungover i don't know why because i didn't really drink a lot last night, maybe it was the massive smoking that is becoming chain now. oh well. no harm in being a chain smoker i guess (haha who am i kidding).

and i would like to reiterate again that i am feeling so happy and light! free! burden-less! ah! the feeling of freedom and lack of stress simply lightens any day now compared to any a week ago.

relief

just got back from some light partying at zouk, pretty much the most relaxed night i've had so far in the past couple weeks ever since things turned bad for me. why? read on.
--------
went over to xinyi's place earlier, to help her fix her computerS (laptop and desktop) and take all my stuff back from her place, like clothes etc.
at first, i thought it would be a big mistake. i was worried it would turn out to be an awful night, but i felt that well, to be honest not everyone is tech-geeky like me so i offered my help to her, despite things being the way they were.
but in the end, it turned out great, to me at least, because a great burden was lifted from my shoulders. really great burden, feels much better now that there was actually some sort of closure that took place at her place.
and here, i will sort out and clarify some things that concerned her. she suggested this, and i think that in all fairness it does no harm to me whatsoever so just as a platonic friend now, i should oblige her request.

thus, i would like to make to known clearly that :
a) she did not dump me, neither did i dump her.
b) we broke up rather mutually, though it was an on-and-off thing.
c) she did not two-time me, unlike bastardly me did before which i am not proud of.
d) when she found someone new to fill the place in her heart, we were factually separated so there was nothing politically wrong with that.
e) i got bitter, because, in truth i still had feelings for her, and i may still do now. but it diminishes by the day and i have no other way to hasten this process.

so should there be any misinterpretations by any readers, this should clarify matters in a clearer manner, or so i hope. this is probably the best i can do.

we had a rather nice talk about things and well, i can say that i'm really happy and pleased with the way things ended up. the closure i had sought for so long had finally come and i have accepted it with no regrets.

i guess that's a part of my history now and a phase in life has gone by in these past 2 years, and there really is no point in getting all bitter about it. many have advised me this, but it was hard to accept without personally experiencing it. some of you should understand what i mean.

and with this, i have decided to close this chapter of my life, committing the good times to memory, and the bad ones to the trash can. bitter, anger and hatred does no good for anyone or anything, but they are all emotions that come out now and then when things don't go the way we prefer. i cannot deny that i have a temper at times and it showed when i was getting bitter about this whole issue. but it's over now and i'm taking time to come to terms with it. time heals all wounds, i guess it's pretty true. it's been merely 2 wks or so since the bomb dropped on me, but some feelings linger on and they may for i don't know how long, but i'm really happy that things have changed for the better, that she can be happy with ben and we can still remain friends, even if i was only her computer mechanic. we started off as friends, and there's no reason to end it anything less.

i guess it was just not meant to be, in retrospect, but having shared a friendly wholehearted hug, i guess that's where my solace arrived. tears nearly dripped as i held her close, but i knew it was in a much different capacity, thus i held the tears back. i would sincerely like to thank her for that as well, to allow a closure in this aspect, that i may go on living with a lessened burden in my heart. and so i illustrate, that a simple hug can indeed go a long, long way.

so, xinyi, my apologies for the bitterness, we spoke about this earlier this evening, i hope you will accept the somewhat public apology. and i can only wish you all the best with ben. i only ask that u bear in mind the one request i made of you. =) thanks.
--------------
lesson learnt is that it pays to be a gentleman sometimes, to simply tolerate anything and slowly bring down the tempo or temper. and to offer help, even when not requested.
even at clubbing, when i try to shield off unruly guys from intruding into all our friends. not that i'm trying to blow my own trumpet here, but appreciation comes in little ways that simply perk up one's morale and mood, as subtle as it may be.
or when talking to your ex, without bitterness, sarcasm or contempt.

had a long day today, need more rest for late night working tmr at egames again. sigh. but my relief has come finally, and i feel much lighter and free-er than i ever have before in the past weeks.

i make no promises, for fear of breaking them. this mentality i envision now may not be permanent, it may only be temporary, for should i think of xinyi again and feelings are still in existence, i cannot say what my mindset would become. but i would hope this is a permanent setting.
for it truly makes me feel free and relieved, allowing me to go on with life as normally as i possibly can.

creative piracy?

hmmm, would saying Creativity Kills Piracy be right as well? as the inverse of this statement?

or how about Creative Piracy? like we still take the copyrighted stuff but in a creative manner, so that doesn't hinder our creativity. is that then legal?

oh well. i am still an avid supporter of Piracy!

terminology

hmmm i noticed xinyi has been reading this and tagging some stuff, probably to do with the fact that she's worried about her reputation getting tarnished, so i think some clarifications have to be done here.
what she tagged here and posted up on her own blog about me dumping her is theoretically correct, but i would say it's a wrong term used.
i did break up with her because hard times were dragging on, for a good 2 months and things between us haven't exactly been smooth-flowing for nearly half a year. confided in several close friends who dished out caring advice to me, which struck several chords in me. thus i came to a conclusion that if things were to work out well again for me and her, time apart would be necessary. i had tried it suggesting it before, but it wasn't well received at all and it actually generated a reverse reaction. so i went ahead to initiate a split, so that we could both have time to ourselves. i didn't know what she did with that time, but apparently now i do; to find herself someone new. but i was busy having fun with guy friends and trying to clear my mind of any thoughts of her, intention being that once i was clear-headed, i would sit down and reflect, to consider what actions to be taken subsequently.
most unfortunately, by the time i had thought about it all and come to a decision to tell her i wish to let us try again, she had moved on. mind you, for those that don't already know, it was a difference of 4 days. i have records of messages with date stamps to prove it, because they still exist in my phone as well as in my mind, and till this day i still read them every fucking night before turning in. probably isn't the smartest thing for me to do but oh well, emotions are hard to control. maybe i'll post them up sometime if there is a need in future.
so to say that i dumped her would be politically incorrect. not that i particularly give a damn about terminology, but in this case i think it would be more accurate to have it reversed the other way.
dumping someone, to me, means leaving person A in order to be with person B. i don't know about the rest of you but that's my definition of dumping. anything short of that, like what i did, was a break-up, a split, albeit not very mutual.
technically she didn't do anything wrong either, because we were indeed separated when she moved on to ben, and i'm not going to say that she dumped me. my only comment is that 4 days is a very short time, and for emotions to fluctuate from one end to the total opposite other, well, that's nothing short of shocking to me.
i know what dumping is because i had committed that very sin before 2 years ago and i know what it feels like now because i'm on the receiving end. i now know i have hurt many others and one in particular, to a great extent, thanks to my pure stupidity in decision-making.
andrea: i'm sorry for my stupidity and for hurting you so badly.

choice of how to label this whole scenario, whether i dumped xinyi or not is yours, not that i really give a damn anyway because like i said, it's purely terminology. but what i will not do is stand back and watch someone other tear my life apart, by emotions, conscience and inaccurate judgements.
in any case, it is nothing new that males are always at fault whenever a relationship doesn't work out. it is a reactive mindset that society stereotypes sadly, biased against males.
go ahead and judge me, those who wish to. my conscience is clear, i've nothing to fear except fear itself, of which i have none for judgements against me.
-----------

Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd once never been
All the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say

Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
At least not today

right.
fuck you, i say.
------------
half day off today!! wooohooo!! time for more depression treatment!! tiger beer!!!

mumbo jumbo

realised my recent entries are much longer than previous ones. haha. funny how it is that we have more to write when depression sets in. this is gonna be a long one too, and disorganised at that. thoughts in my mind swirling around at random.

spoke to xinyi last night, wanted to send my apologies for the bad times in the past, and thanks for good times. but it wasn't well received, so naturally i got very worked up. this isn't the effort i would really go lengths to put in, never thought i ever would but i'm at the stage of life where such things now matter. but it doesn't matter to her obviously. she's just downright happy with her ben. made some mean and evil remarks and spat out some threats, but oh well that's me for you. any of my closer friends that known me for some time would know i'm a rash and i work on impulse. in fact, i thrive on impulse. probably won't carry out those threats anyway since they were said out of complete anger, but believe me, at the moment that i said them, i meant them, meant them more than anythin before. but then again, should i see them on the streets, there's no saying i wouldn't smash her face in. i say her, because ben prob did nothing wrong; the fault would lie with her since she's the one with the choice. just like me, 2 years ago. the choice was mine and i shoulder all the blame. like i said, i'm rash and impulsive, so there's never any premeditation or premonition of what's to come.

hell hath no fury as a woman scorn? well, i prefer hell hath no fury like a william scorn. it's sad, it's lame, but it's goddamned true.

realised that it's much easier to get by with hate than with soft feelings. so i have decided that i will adopt the hate option. to bitrerly hate her for things that have come to pass and hopefully i will get out of this nonsense that much sooner. it seriously sucks to go to work each day and not be able to do more than stone at the computer screen, which results in officer remarking i've become slack lately. not good at all. so there, my decision : bitterest hate shall be my friend in this period of grieving, and constrained to only two people. or actually i think one only. the other - he holds no blame for these happenings.

advice i get from friends have great disparity. some say i should just shrug it all off and get a grip on my singlehood and be happy. others suggest that getting attached asap is good because it lessens the pain and i have someone new to devote my attention too. i really don't know which is the better option, the lesser of two evils maybe. in any case, it's not like if i want to find someone new, she will just drop out of the sky and say i'm here, let's go. i'm not who i used to be before, full of confidence, sometimes too full, with a certain sense of how to court ladies in my eyes. no, that william has come and gone, he has passed. updated version has greater cycnicism, skepticism and a life-is-just-a-screwed-up-bitch attitude. but in any case, thanks to those who've been around to hear my rampant ravings and depressing spurts.

certain decisions i begin to regret now as well, many of which are linked to her in one way or another and now that things have become this way, i can't help but to think back and regret. shouldn't have found my way out of commandos because i wanted to spend more time with her, stupid move. shouldn't have just taken up a night study course just to get stay out status in my previous combat unit where stayout status was a rare priviledge limited to no more than 10 in the whole camp. shouldn't have flunked the course because i decided to not study since i had already got my stay out to stay with her. that was a 12 thousand dollar stay out permit. expensive, and i still haven't heard the end of it from my dad. hong kong? that's a good memory, but i told myself before that i would only bring the person i want to marry back to my second homeland. now the virginity of hongkong is broken and gone for good. diamonds? same. only for the one i would marry. yet another virginity broken there.
regrets, regrets. life is full of regrets and regretting more each day. sigh.

but hopefully, with this dedicated most bitter hate channelled to wash out saddening thoughts from my mind and soul, i will see brighter days ahead.

apologies

i'm feeling quite depressed now so i think this will be a depressing entry. but i'm also feeling very sincere now because of some hovering confessions i made to someone earlier on. thus it will be a sincere entry as well.

never really realised how much influence single decisions can have on people, much less those made before.
never thought that the past could really haunt one for such a long time, dragged on into the reality of the present and possibly even the future.
and now that i know all this, i feel horrible.
horrible, because of the mistakes i have made in the past before, hurting my close and loved ones when i shouldn't have.
horrible, because of the things that shouldn't have gone wrong but did because i wasn't strong enough to stop them from happening.
horrible, because of the poor decisions i had made in the past which in turn came to affect the lives of those around me.
horrible, because i was not the person i could have been, and i still am not the person i can be.
and horrible, because i don't think i will ever be able to become the person that i can potentially be.
potential is only potential, so long as it is not realised.
wasted potential is no longer potential, for it is purely garbage that has been flushed down the drain with no value whatsoever.

i am wasted potential. i used to have potential, but in the past 20 years of life, with the things that have gone by and been done, i have let down so many people i dare not count. i have hurt so many other close ones around me, family, friends, relationship partners, even acquaintances.

i tend to think that God made a mistake in this imbecile of a creation : me. either that or i was meant to 'balance' out a positivity in this world. you know how its like with the chinese yin/yang? with either side existing to balance out the other. so there's probably someone supremely nice out there who has realised all his/her potential and even exceeded it. and i am here on this world to balance that being's existence, to bring the world into balance.
i would like to term it as : i am here to bring balance to the world , kind of like how anakin skywalker brought balance to the Force in Star Wars. but i am not half as noble as he is, so that would just be inappropriate again.

to sum up, i want to express my heartfelt apologies to all that have crossed my path and ended up losing out from it.
for my family, my friends, my previous relationship partners, acquaintances : i'm truly, sincerely sorry in every little bit and way that's possible, but nobody is perfect and i would be the least perfect person on the face of this earth.
i would like to list out the names and personal apologies here but it would undoubtedly offend some to have their names published here so i would rather do without more trouble caused by me myself and i.

it's a cycle

it's a cycle, i know it is. depression.
it's a damn cycle.
was feeling so up and all yesterday at mahjong and all, and this morning, well, let's just say i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. damn it.
i really need more laughter, i think laughter is extremely therapeutic. i haven't felt as at ease as i was last night during mahjong with the 3 stooges.
i regret my past decision, to decide to become a fat lazy bastard. i thought life with her would go on and things would never change in that aspect, so there was never a need for me to bother about my appearance. thus i stopped exercising regularly and ate like a goddamned pig. but now, things have indeed changed and i'm left here while she's probably off gallavanting someplace with her new bf happily, enjoying herself. me, on the other hand, have no one to occupy that aspect of my life. so now i'm a fat slob with loads of blub and at this rate i think i'll never get attached haha. but then again, not that i want to anyway.
i've pretty much lost all faith. in love, not in friends. faith in friends is still strong because all of them are pulling me through now, lest i wouldn't be here right this moment. but faith in love; well, both those terms no longer hold any meaning for me.
it's funny how we learn only after things have taken place, when we learn the hard way, by experiences. thinking back, i've come to realise i've been a pretty horrible bf to my ex-es and i do regret to a certain extent. but i guess that's just how life is, how we learn through personal experiences and memories keep us from repeating them. since i'm already so jaded about the fucking lie called love, i shall abstain from anything of that sort and not delve into those "promised lands" which can undoubtedly only bring greater harm in the end.
was so determined to go overseas for further studies all along. planned and applied and got accepted to monash in melbourne, but having my second thoughts now. i don't know if i'll be able to handle it now, especially with my shrink commenting that it will probably take about 6-9 months for me to get over this phase due to the level of commitment and depth of relationship in the past. and if i go overseas on my own in june, which is barely 9 months away, i wonder if i'll be able to handle everything in perspective, even studying. not saying that i'm a pushover, but i really don't want to waste any more of my parents money and if i end up going over unable to settle down due to thoughts still in my head and all, i would just end up fucking up my work and probably become a fulltime drug peddler and such. so now i'm seriously considering staying here for university instead, and if my life is able to stabilise in the future, then i'll consider overseas again next time. it's all about stability, the lack of which would simply cause me to crash and burn in ultimate devastation.
----------
anyone up to join me? i'm having tiger beer and absolut vodka for breakfast right now. thanks to lorenzo for bringing the vodka over for me. i need it. alcoholics anonymous, here i come.
---------
retarded pics from mahjong last night..

lorenzo - take note of the tiles, look carefully.. haha

desmond

clement

clement again - look at his tiles again too haha idiots..

me

-----------
i need more of these. laughter sessions. i need. please, give it to me.

laughter

had a short day at work today, did mundane stuff in the morning then a short training in the aft.. didn't feel like going clubbing tonight, because i'm broke as hell and partly also because i'm tired as hell. been living on few hours of sleep lately, face breaking out in complete pimples and all.. oh well. who gives a shit anyway, not like anybody would be interested in me anyhow.
spoke to my psychiatrist today, he says i'm in pretty bad condition, mental state quite bad *sigh* gotta up the frequency of sessions. currently its about once a month, he says for my current condition, it's better to do it at least once a week, or even twice if possible. *sigh* feel really bad because it's not cheap, each session costing 300 bucks on my dad's wallet. and with this increase in frequency, health expenditure on me is gonna skyrocket. wonder how i'm ever going to pay them back. told them i don't think i need it that often, but being my parents and taking the advice from the professional, they agree with my shrink and made appointments twice for next week *sigh* i really hope it will work to help me through this rough patch or a couple thousand bucks are gonna end up in a drain...
clem, des and zo came over to mahjong earlier this evening, played for a good 6 hours till we were all hungry so we went out for supper at al azhar.. just got back and my tummy is filled with chicken murtabak :) lorenzo is sucha big dickhead that he keeps cracking jokes and makes us all fucking laugh like mad men, or at least i did, maybe because i've been missing out on such laughter sessions for quite a long time. can't go 5 minutes without him making stupid moves on the mahjong table or offering retarded comments that make us all break out in fits of laughter. ended up on the floor bent over laughing my ass off a few times.. i would probably have been able to enjoy it even more if there weren't things at the back of my mind like a burden, but they were there all the while, still is.. *sigh* anyway now i think i know why laughter is the best medicine.. during the 6 hours, managed to keep myself occupied and free-from-thought of unpleasant things.
only at such times do i really understand and fully appreciate the true value of tight friendships.. they were all nice enough to come over just to accompany me coz i was saying that if i were left alone my thoughts would wander and things would get very ugly and bad.. so they agreed amongst themselves to come over to my place to mahjong with me and keep my spirits up, or at least not down. and they managed to achieve that. once this whole phase of my life is over i must buy them a meal to say my thanks. and this entry is proof to that promise.
sigh, now the next concern, to figure out how i'm going to get to sleep, not bed, without drenching my pillow in tears.. it's been like that for nearly a week now and it really sucks having to air my pillow every morning and waking up to puffy eyes. *sigh*
to the friends who actually do read this, each and every one of you, for any and all the help and support you've offered to me in one way or another, i really appreciate it though sometimes i may overlook the expression of thanks. i thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart, all of you. God has blessed me richly with your friendships and i praise him for that.