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the great day has finally come and gone. i think most guys that do blog will have a spit or two about this. ord loh. haha. yes the kick is not as great as we thought it would be, but it's a most welcome bit in our life still. it signals the end of one phase, onto another upcoming. nevertheless, it was an interesting 2 yrs, despite not lasting in combat for more than 2 mths for me hurhur.

had a footy game earlier on this morning and shared some small talk with fellow teammates. all jiving about how i used to be a fit fellow with respectable skills on the pitch, my devotion to the passion for the sport (apparently the occurance abt my vomiting blood during fitness training found its way far far away, which ended up in a lot of mockery this morning when everyone goes "oh look im william i love soccer its the best *vomit blood gesture* oh help im dying im puking blood" 0_o

it makes me wonder. i used to achieve so much, to succeed in the rights that i so aspired. true enough, i used to train on a daily basis. even on days without training i would run endlessly on the track and spend hours on the pitch practising free kicks and corners and all sorts of deadball situations till dark. and i did all these on my own free will, voluntarily. i never wanted to make myself muscular or buff or anything enviable, i just did it so i could perform well on the pitch, to be that little difference btwn my team and the opposing one.

and now when i look at myself, and the current bulge of what used to be a training-hardened-six-pack, i cant help but feel sad. my footy skills have deproved a great deal, and i doubt i can last half as long as i used to be able to. now all i can do are short bursts before i soon have to bend over gasping rapidly for intakes of air. well yes, i actually lasted the whole match today, but my performance was way under-par by my standards. i dont think i can even say i'm now a shadow of my past self. that would be a severe understatement.

i know, it's just a comparison for footy, but it's an analogy i've chosen. it actually depicts my entire life changing processes in many more other aspects. like i said, i'm no longer what i used to be, no longer the person i was before. and i certainly hope i can get back there, with the motivation i once had to achieve anything and everything soon. cos now i know how it really feels to be an under-achiever when the potential is all there.

the art of bastarding

undoubtedly the most boring and unproductive day i've had this year to date, spent 8 hrs at the driving centre with the purpose of clearing the mandatory attendance for theory lessons before being able to book a test date. i guess it'll be useful for those who have yet to sit for theory tests, but for those who have already passed the tests at an earlier time? one word for this inefficient system - retarded.

went down to this new place at clarke quay - gotham penthouse, with the guys last night. it wasn't too bad, but it's nothing spectacular either. though i gotta admit it's really been quite a while since i've last had boon tong kee chicken rice and i have a sudden craving for it right now. but since zo has his thesis that i partially own btk, i guess i will have to deal with this urge on my own. if i cld drive i wld just go and get a serving of it right this moment, but damn it i have no licence yet (no jacking me pls). if u share the same urge, pls end my misery and call me out for some btk asap pls.

high point of the day wld be receiving my confirmation of acceptance from uni of new south wales. it doesnt make me any happier to leave my buddies here in sgp, but i hope everyone dear to me understands my unenviable position. i have no proper uni to go to shld i stay here, and in any case, anyone that has known me for a considerable amount of time would know that i have no love for the local education system. i dont think that it is weak, but rather, it just suits certain individual personalities, of which i am not. so i guess my departure for downunder is pretty much confirmed since i have to make deposit payments and reply the uni within a fortnight, only thing left is when i will actually physically leave the land which has born and bred me for the past 20 yrs.

realised i've been going out much more and spending loads more time with friends, going out, hanging out, even to the extent of doing nothing at times. and it's on nights like tonight when i'm not at work, and my frds are busy with their own activities, when i'm alone at home with peace and quiet about, that my mind starts scampering about wildly in a million different directions.

physical attachment, or the lack of it, is apparently getting to me again. not depression mind you, but just a certain localised loneliness and solitude. localised because it's not absolutely empty; there is something, just that it hasn't and can't be realised for a while. and i'd be lying if i said it doesnt affect me at all. i'd wager ten grand that any of my past girlfriends would vouch that i'm relatively dependent on physical attachment (and don't say otherwise just for the money - i dont have that kinda $ yet). i know that's a fact of my emotionally-centered personality and i've no shame in admitting to it. we're all different people by nature and there's absolutely no use in denying what you know yourself to be. but that doesn't mean that we have to like every aspect of it either. as such, i guess i sort of wish i was of a more r/ship-independent personality, with regard to the way things are for me at this moment. regretting your path of travel in life through decisions made achieves nothing, and i certainly don't believe in regrets. even without success, everything can be a lesson learnt, it just depends on your perception of that situation.

some of my dudes are attached, others that aren't are well on their way to that level now. i'm happy for all of them (esp my fav camel), and i love their company as it has been for the past months. their time and efforts to keep me occupied in hanging out with them, as they know my periodic emotional instability due to certain constraints, do not go unappreciated. and now i feel like a bastard of a friend that i'll be leaving them in no later than 4 months time, barely a third of a year to new lands. though i will not abandon them inside where it counts, i've now learnt that sometimes, while the deepest affections matter a lot, physical contact must remain existent for relations to avoid disruption. with regards to what we discussed briefly over supper last night, i'd give almost anythg for a roughly even balance of physical and emotional attachment. it doesn't have to be in perfect harmonious balance, but having one without the other is purely thrashy in both friendships and r/ships, no less.

bear in mind though, this is just my own opinion on things; we all perceive things/situations in varied fashion. cheers.

.fuck.

does torturing and tormenting a soul really give that kick? is that what life's aspiration is? if so, please enlighten me.

i'm sensitive by nature, oversensitive at times, or even perpetually, maybe. then knowing this obstacle could and would never be overcome, why drag it on?

leading someone on is one thing, but for a prolonged duration of months? thats quite inhuman even by my standards, as inhumane as i may already be.

it's an established fact that i'm more of an emotional person than a rational one. i lead with my eyes but i run with my heart.

if the feelings aren't there, don't pretend that they are, and certainly don't assume that the lack of it can be overlooked. because. it. cant.

fuck.

nuff said.

ramblings

february's gone and done with, march approaches. the month of ord for me and my guys - the freedom we've been seeing at the end of the long long long tunnel finally arrives. such reprieve.

work for life? if u play warcraft3 then u'd know the human peon goes "work work" , "more work" , "yes m'lord" - i'm starting to sound like that nowadays.

is it really true that money makes the world go round? i'm not entirely certain that it does, but i'm definitely absofuckinglutely (ur word kim :P) sure it cant be that it doesn't. hence my rather extreme attitude towards working. upcoming friday's andrew's bday, and i had to think twice abt cancelling my shift at work or making arrangements to change it. this makes me label myself despicable. i would bet my house no one would catch me having to ponder about such a situation any time prior to attaining this work-for-life mentality; it's simply so straightforward a decision, yet i had to carefully consider and weigh the options. i am disappointed in myself.

so then, a very happy birthday to desimonster (28 feb) who's in brunei right now, and to andrew indochine boy (1 mar), whom i just buttraped about 4 hours ago at his place upon the stroke of midnight. lorenzo the ever witty person had it videod down on handphone camera but for the little kiddies who are unsuitable to watch anything above the NC16 rating, i will not post it here (no its not because i am embarrassed at myself doing a homemade-semi-softpornflick 0_o) as i have rated it R21 hurhur.

once again tertiary education options beckon as the time draws nearer to make a choice. which is where my dilemma begins, thus my unending procrastination to make a fully conscious choice. keep hoping and praying for acceptance into smu (local) , go to monash (melbourne) , or go to queensland (brisbane). it's basically business courses (smu, monash) vs semi-business, semi-sportsstudies (queensland). and i cant decide though i know i eventually will have to.

that's the thing abt being of a emotional/sensitive nature - the inability to put down things that shouldnt really matter that much in logical terms. and this applies across the board, in many aspects, not just this alone. i wont deny that oversensitivity/emotional attachments always get the better of my logical side, and there really isn't much i can do about it. it's caused sufficient problems for my r/ships, for my friendships, and now it's affecting my education/future.

do you ever wish you would just perish and die in some freak accident? no im not suggesting suicidal thoughts or anythg of that sort, but i just feel a little sick of life. bit by bit i lose the drive to push on in life, to achieve, to realise my aspirations (or whatever similiar i have) , and basically to live on. i know we all only live once, but so what? don't u stop doing something the moment you get sick of it? playing too much computer games will get you sick of it and wouldn't u stop playing then? same applies to almost anything, where you've hit that point of 'i've had enough of this, time to move on'. so why cant that same theory be applied to life itself as a whole? i'm not doing anything now anyway, rotting my life away, working like a mad man on 2 hrs sleep and earning money for what-i-do-not-know, practically living on a day-to-day basis , trying to be happy-go-lucky but generally failing to even keep happy. can that then be justified to wish for death to grapple you? maybe like a piano falling twenty stories and smashing you to smithereens or getting struck by lightning and dropping dead, lifeless within a second? yes i know i'm a wuss i dont wish to die in pain and agony. or maybe getting crashed by a car racing along at 300kmh wouldnt hurt either - that's a lil more realistic/possible.

this is one such moment where i wish i wld just lie in bed and die a painless death, simply for i've had enough of life. pessimism/optimism/positivity/negativity/happy times/bad times - i've had enough of all that dung. time to move on - only up or down. but one thing's for sure. upon my timely departure, i'll go off with no regrets. just like keanu reeves in constantine - floating off to wherever with a third finger sticking out - fuck life.