move house. ban jia.

Notice : Moving

2005-08-04T23:54:00.000+08:00

hello all.

my blog ends here.

just as one phase of my life has passed and another awaits me.

as such, i'm closing down this blog in a week from now so please update your links or whatever.

it's moved to :

http://reflux.diaryx.com

my new email address will be listed there as well.

so make a move on now.

hello world

2005-08-04T01:12:00.000+08:00

hello all. am back finally.

havent got much to say since it's getting busy at school. work, tutorial, assignment and projects are pouring in.

just a short note to inform all that my email address has changed.
will email you all abt it. if you dont get the email, just ask me at my old email add. i'll be using it till the end of the month before shutting down the account. yahoo gives me too much spam man. or you cld also tag/drop a comment right here if it's easier.

thanks. take care all.

p/s. apologies abt the rough turnout, in process of blogmoving. will move soon & update the new url.

a whole new world

2005-07-17T09:27:00.000+08:00

so then i have returned. from somewhere beneath where there is no internet and computers so i couldnt possibly have updated this thrashy blog haha.

anyhow it's been a great time prior to leaving sg, had loads fun with dota-ing late at night, mahjong-ing as well & of course the last dinner. thanks to everyone for a wonderful send off at the airport. and for the gifts too.

anyway, on to update you guys of how things are here.
it's been a real hassle so far, finally getting my apartment lease settled. it's $450/week for 2 bedroom apartment, and i'm gonna be sharing with a fellow sg'rean. one of my mom's frd's son. so yep, then spent loads of time n energy hunting for furniture since it's totally unfurnished. probably because the place is brand new itself. haha. spent loads at IKEA n the electrical shop getting everything and i dont even think everything is settled yet. i'm just taking a break here now at a cybercafe to check mail n all that gibberish, before i have to resume being a carpenter upstairs in my little pad.

weather here is cold and dry too, so i'm getting lots of cracked skin and catching a cold. blah.

will update more soon. take care all of you.

p/s. i miss you hella hella loads dear; u'd never believe it.

a private note.

2005-05-30T11:12:00.000+08:00

patience and perseverance.

it's been so long.

a weekend filled with immeasureable immense joy and happiness.

silent contentment. complete satisfaction.

it's been so long.

it's been too long.

thank you, dear. for everything.

lord vader, rise.

2005-05-24T12:43:00.000+08:00

i didn't even realise it's been close to a month since i last updated, oh well life is always busy busy busy for me haha. same old mundane life hasn't changed much, working still. only difference now is that instead of my previous weekend night shifts, i've switched to weekday morning shifts, which basically translates to normal office working hours. and i have realised that this makes the days much more productive. like i used to sleep at 4am or so, get up at 4pm to come to work, finish work then go back home, go online for a bit and read, talk on the phone and then sleep. and this went on for a couple of months, meaning i was practically devoid of any productive life for the better part of a year. which is quite a sad thing i suppose.

on the other hand, now i get up early at about 8 plus to drag my sad ass down to work, then finish at 530pm and i can still have time to walk around town, enjoy dinner and all that. it's like a revival, a reincarnation (okay maybe not so severe but yea you get the idea) of my previous lifestyle, where enjoyment, and not workaholicism was the centre of my focus.

things are getting more enjoyable as the days pass, for reasons known only to a mere few i consider dear to me. on that note, i solemnly acknowledge that i haven't really been spending time with all of you, but i'm sure you all understand, no doubt.

episode III was no disappointment, unlike george lucas' previous two attempts at a blockbuster continuation of a classic trilogy. i think it's pretty much fantastic, and it links up really well with the following parts of the trilogy ep. 4, 5, 6. unfortunately though, i think the scriptwriter should get the sack for his overdone cheesy & corny lines. and just when i thought i was an avid star wars fan, i see groups of americans walking around cineleisure in jedi robes with their hair braided up, and little kids waving red lightsaber toys about in the cinema. hahaha. i should have just worn my carpet from home then i could be chewbacca at the cinema !

my days are numbered. i've less than 2 months before i'm due to leave for sydney. bah. i dont really wish to talk about that though. most people would probably be a little more enthusiastic and excited about that than me, but then they wouldnt have the same concerns/reasons that i do for not really wanting to go just yet. if only they offered a degree in star wars knowledge or something like that. haha. Bachelor of Science Fiction (Star Wars) like BScf (SW) or something like that. i'm quite sure i would have sufficient motivation to ensure i get first class honors for that qualification. then i could just get a job at skywalker ranch or Industrial Light and Magic or some subsidiary company owned by good ol' george lucas then i can climb the corporate ladder and eventually be a sith lord/jedi master. though sith are evil by nature, i must say that sith lightning is quite a handy skill to have haha. customer at egames who refuses to pay for his computer usage shall get a nice dose of electrification to ensure prompt and accurate payment. i'm crapping but we all can dream, can't we ?

i had very nearly forgotten the whole meaning of having a life, of being able to do things like walk the streets of town, stroll into shops and browse at items you don't even wish to purchase, try out new and different food places and all. though of course in place of all these, i had the joys (and pains) of endless mahjong and dota. as such, in light that i'll be leaving after not-so-long, time shall be prioritized for those close to me, and work will soon end when i quit after 2-3 more weeks.

but for now, back to reality. i'm stuck at egames, working, for another 4 more hours. urgh.

peekaboo

2005-04-30T04:48:00.000+08:00

aha. just as all you blog whores thought i was dead and good riddance, i am revived. but only because i cannot sleep so i have decided to blog some shit.

busy busy busy. work work work. again, my life revolves around work. i think i will grow up to become a workaholic in future, whereby i will have no time for nearly everything else. no time to do sports, no time for friends, maybe no time even for a wife. but hmmm maybe i would still have time for zouk on wednesday nights in tribute to the zouk-loyal friends of mine haha. but yes, you get the idea, i am a workaholic. don't blame me, it runs in the blood just like my old man.

and as a result of work, i earn a salary. a meagre one, but still better than zilch. which makes me think, money does make the world go round after all. i've seen/felt/experienced enough to be able to confidently say that it does. it isn't exactly ideal, but i guess it isnt bad either. i mean, can you imagine us having to deal with barter trade in the 21st century? "hey, entry to zouk will cost you 2 bananas and half an apple on normal days, but for tonight's event we are charging a flat rate of half a watermelon and 2 papayas" hell no i rather have crumply notes in my wallet than to have to lug a sack of bartering fruits around.

did quite a bit of shopping the last couple weeks too, and picked up some quality stuff. oh to all the fans like me out there, nautica has a storewide 30% sale at taka so drag your (& your respective gf/bf) asses there right this moment.

zouking has been good, mahjong not too bad, just sleeping hours still out of whack. damn. that's all i can think to say now at 5am in the wee morning with a dead brain.

i stumbled across this on someone else's blog but i quite like it. so sue me for plagiarism huh. anyway, isn't that a novel idea? to capture a moment like this. to share a kiss, falling in love, as the world passes you by, in your own little impregnable bubble world.

oh and NEWSFLASH : STAR WARS EP III TICKETS FOR GV ON SALE STARTING 1st MAY GO RAPE THE ONLINE BOOKINGS WITH ME

- . - . - . -

2005-03-27T01:51:00.000+08:00

the great day has finally come and gone. i think most guys that do blog will have a spit or two about this. ord loh. haha. yes the kick is not as great as we thought it would be, but it's a most welcome bit in our life still. it signals the end of one phase, onto another upcoming. nevertheless, it was an interesting 2 yrs, despite not lasting in combat for more than 2 mths for me hurhur.

had a footy game earlier on this morning and shared some small talk with fellow teammates. all jiving about how i used to be a fit fellow with respectable skills on the pitch, my devotion to the passion for the sport (apparently the occurance abt my vomiting blood during fitness training found its way far far away, which ended up in a lot of mockery this morning when everyone goes "oh look im william i love soccer its the best *vomit blood gesture* oh help im dying im puking blood" 0_o

it makes me wonder. i used to achieve so much, to succeed in the rights that i so aspired. true enough, i used to train on a daily basis. even on days without training i would run endlessly on the track and spend hours on the pitch practising free kicks and corners and all sorts of deadball situations till dark. and i did all these on my own free will, voluntarily. i never wanted to make myself muscular or buff or anything enviable, i just did it so i could perform well on the pitch, to be that little difference btwn my team and the opposing one.

and now when i look at myself, and the current bulge of what used to be a training-hardened-six-pack, i cant help but feel sad. my footy skills have deproved a great deal, and i doubt i can last half as long as i used to be able to. now all i can do are short bursts before i soon have to bend over gasping rapidly for intakes of air. well yes, i actually lasted the whole match today, but my performance was way under-par by my standards. i dont think i can even say i'm now a shadow of my past self. that would be a severe understatement.

i know, it's just a comparison for footy, but it's an analogy i've chosen. it actually depicts my entire life changing processes in many more other aspects. like i said, i'm no longer what i used to be, no longer the person i was before. and i certainly hope i can get back there, with the motivation i once had to achieve anything and everything soon. cos now i know how it really feels to be an under-achiever when the potential is all there.

the art of bastarding

2005-03-16T01:17:00.000+08:00

undoubtedly the most boring and unproductive day i've had this year to date, spent 8 hrs at the driving centre with the purpose of clearing the mandatory attendance for theory lessons before being able to book a test date. i guess it'll be useful for those who have yet to sit for theory tests, but for those who have already passed the tests at an earlier time? one word for this inefficient system - retarded.

went down to this new place at clarke quay - gotham penthouse, with the guys last night. it wasn't too bad, but it's nothing spectacular either. though i gotta admit it's really been quite a while since i've last had boon tong kee chicken rice and i have a sudden craving for it right now. but since zo has his thesis that i partially own btk, i guess i will have to deal with this urge on my own. if i cld drive i wld just go and get a serving of it right this moment, but damn it i have no licence yet (no jacking me pls). if u share the same urge, pls end my misery and call me out for some btk asap pls.

high point of the day wld be receiving my confirmation of acceptance from uni of new south wales. it doesnt make me any happier to leave my buddies here in sgp, but i hope everyone dear to me understands my unenviable position. i have no proper uni to go to shld i stay here, and in any case, anyone that has known me for a considerable amount of time would know that i have no love for the local education system. i dont think that it is weak, but rather, it just suits certain individual personalities, of which i am not. so i guess my departure for downunder is pretty much confirmed since i have to make deposit payments and reply the uni within a fortnight, only thing left is when i will actually physically leave the land which has born and bred me for the past 20 yrs.

realised i've been going out much more and spending loads more time with friends, going out, hanging out, even to the extent of doing nothing at times. and it's on nights like tonight when i'm not at work, and my frds are busy with their own activities, when i'm alone at home with peace and quiet about, that my mind starts scampering about wildly in a million different directions.

physical attachment, or the lack of it, is apparently getting to me again. not depression mind you, but just a certain localised loneliness and solitude. localised because it's not absolutely empty; there is something, just that it hasn't and can't be realised for a while. and i'd be lying if i said it doesnt affect me at all. i'd wager ten grand that any of my past girlfriends would vouch that i'm relatively dependent on physical attachment (and don't say otherwise just for the money - i dont have that kinda $ yet). i know that's a fact of my emotionally-centered personality and i've no shame in admitting to it. we're all different people by nature and there's absolutely no use in denying what you know yourself to be. but that doesn't mean that we have to like every aspect of it either. as such, i guess i sort of wish i was of a more r/ship-independent personality, with regard to the way things are for me at this moment. regretting your path of travel in life through decisions made achieves nothing, and i certainly don't believe in regrets. even without success, everything can be a lesson learnt, it just depends on your perception of that situation.

some of my dudes are attached, others that aren't are well on their way to that level now. i'm happy for all of them (esp my fav camel), and i love their company as it has been for the past months. their time and efforts to keep me occupied in hanging out with them, as they know my periodic emotional instability due to certain constraints, do not go unappreciated. and now i feel like a bastard of a friend that i'll be leaving them in no later than 4 months time, barely a third of a year to new lands. though i will not abandon them inside where it counts, i've now learnt that sometimes, while the deepest affections matter a lot, physical contact must remain existent for relations to avoid disruption. with regards to what we discussed briefly over supper last night, i'd give almost anythg for a roughly even balance of physical and emotional attachment. it doesn't have to be in perfect harmonious balance, but having one without the other is purely thrashy in both friendships and r/ships, no less.

bear in mind though, this is just my own opinion on things; we all perceive things/situations in varied fashion. cheers.

.fuck.

2005-03-07T17:55:00.000+08:00

does torturing and tormenting a soul really give that kick? is that what life's aspiration is? if so, please enlighten me.

i'm sensitive by nature, oversensitive at times, or even perpetually, maybe. then knowing this obstacle could and would never be overcome, why drag it on?

leading someone on is one thing, but for a prolonged duration of months? thats quite inhuman even by my standards, as inhumane as i may already be.

it's an established fact that i'm more of an emotional person than a rational one. i lead with my eyes but i run with my heart.

if the feelings aren't there, don't pretend that they are, and certainly don't assume that the lack of it can be overlooked. because. it. cant.

fuck.

nuff said.

ramblings

2005-03-01T03:22:00.000+08:00

february's gone and done with, march approaches. the month of ord for me and my guys - the freedom we've been seeing at the end of the long long long tunnel finally arrives. such reprieve.

work for life? if u play warcraft3 then u'd know the human peon goes "work work" , "more work" , "yes m'lord" - i'm starting to sound like that nowadays.

is it really true that money makes the world go round? i'm not entirely certain that it does, but i'm definitely absofuckinglutely (ur word kim :P) sure it cant be that it doesn't. hence my rather extreme attitude towards working. upcoming friday's andrew's bday, and i had to think twice abt cancelling my shift at work or making arrangements to change it. this makes me label myself despicable. i would bet my house no one would catch me having to ponder about such a situation any time prior to attaining this work-for-life mentality; it's simply so straightforward a decision, yet i had to carefully consider and weigh the options. i am disappointed in myself.

so then, a very happy birthday to desimonster (28 feb) who's in brunei right now, and to andrew indochine boy (1 mar), whom i just buttraped about 4 hours ago at his place upon the stroke of midnight. lorenzo the ever witty person had it videod down on handphone camera but for the little kiddies who are unsuitable to watch anything above the NC16 rating, i will not post it here (no its not because i am embarrassed at myself doing a homemade-semi-softpornflick 0_o) as i have rated it R21 hurhur.

once again tertiary education options beckon as the time draws nearer to make a choice. which is where my dilemma begins, thus my unending procrastination to make a fully conscious choice. keep hoping and praying for acceptance into smu (local) , go to monash (melbourne) , or go to queensland (brisbane). it's basically business courses (smu, monash) vs semi-business, semi-sportsstudies (queensland). and i cant decide though i know i eventually will have to.

that's the thing abt being of a emotional/sensitive nature - the inability to put down things that shouldnt really matter that much in logical terms. and this applies across the board, in many aspects, not just this alone. i wont deny that oversensitivity/emotional attachments always get the better of my logical side, and there really isn't much i can do about it. it's caused sufficient problems for my r/ships, for my friendships, and now it's affecting my education/future.

do you ever wish you would just perish and die in some freak accident? no im not suggesting suicidal thoughts or anythg of that sort, but i just feel a little sick of life. bit by bit i lose the drive to push on in life, to achieve, to realise my aspirations (or whatever similiar i have) , and basically to live on. i know we all only live once, but so what? don't u stop doing something the moment you get sick of it? playing too much computer games will get you sick of it and wouldn't u stop playing then? same applies to almost anything, where you've hit that point of 'i've had enough of this, time to move on'. so why cant that same theory be applied to life itself as a whole? i'm not doing anything now anyway, rotting my life away, working like a mad man on 2 hrs sleep and earning money for what-i-do-not-know, practically living on a day-to-day basis , trying to be happy-go-lucky but generally failing to even keep happy. can that then be justified to wish for death to grapple you? maybe like a piano falling twenty stories and smashing you to smithereens or getting struck by lightning and dropping dead, lifeless within a second? yes i know i'm a wuss i dont wish to die in pain and agony. or maybe getting crashed by a car racing along at 300kmh wouldnt hurt either - that's a lil more realistic/possible.

this is one such moment where i wish i wld just lie in bed and die a painless death, simply for i've had enough of life. pessimism/optimism/positivity/negativity/happy times/bad times - i've had enough of all that dung. time to move on - only up or down. but one thing's for sure. upon my timely departure, i'll go off with no regrets. just like keanu reeves in constantine - floating off to wherever with a third finger sticking out - fuck life.

work for life

2005-02-21T01:57:00.000+08:00

finally another week has gone and passed, bringing april/may nearer to the present from the future, which gives me reason to be chirpy, as i've been the past coupla days. to a certain extent, the saying that the beginning of every day will determine how the rest of the day will go, is rather true. and i've now come to believe in the irrefutable truth of that.

aspirations/wants/needs. the difference amongst them? you only know when you go thru it and experience it for yourself, then you will learn the true meaning of priority/necessity.

i'm.. in short, devoid of my life. haven't done much lately, and sad to say, i've not even caught the latest flick constantine which pals never fail to remind me of. something about smoking 30 packs a day? i gotta watch the show sometime soon, though by the time i get to, it'll be over. so speaks the story of my life. so then one customer walks into egames earlier this evening and upon seeing me at the counter (again), goes "hey its you again? wah you really no life ah? everyday see u working here, people your age should be out having fun and enjoying time with friends, not work work work cos you have lots of time to do that later in life, and by then u will regret but it will be too late." in response i simply smiled, rather speechless at what to answer him with. my new motto for the time being - work for life.

ideas for another tattoo surface bit by bit, but i know im financially inadept to acquire one, but we still can dream, can't we? opinions man, i need opinions.

that's karma, in chinese. kinda like the innate meaning it holds, cos im a strong believer in karma now (i.e. you play bastard, bastard will play you)

that's life - in chinese as well. i dont really know why i was so attracted to this particular word but i guess i just like the ambiguity of it.

much more time on my hands now, since im officially off camp thanks to a cunning mishmash plan of physiotherapy, off, leave and training. so much time, yet so little work to do. i needa find another job.

so then, constantine anyone? i'd hate to catch a show alone but the choice ain't mine, as it often isn't.

one

2005-02-13T01:58:00.000+08:00

certain things in life we all go through, we wish it would happen once and only once. after that occurrence, we never want to relive it. but from this solitary experience, we learn. we learn enough to know that well, it's simply over and done with now so leave it behind and don't go back there. because we have the knowledge of what it holds, and in turn, that brings about a fear that strikes us boldly.

a one-time-only experience, sort of like living on the edge of a cliff. its either you survive right there where you're happy and contented, or you fail to establish any sort of fundamental stability and as a result, drop all the way down, never able to scale up to that height again because of the permanent injuries sustained on the way down. which is also why you wouldn't even want to go back up. the harsh memories of that once-upon-a-time and only-one-try period will always remind u of the apparent potential for failure.

i tell myself time and again, and now as well, that i will attempt it this one time only, and should it fail, i will never trample on these grounds again. for i know what promise it holds for success, as well as the greater promise it holds for failure.

as such, this entry serves as testimony to a promise i make to only myself.

none

2005-02-11T16:38:00.000+08:00

and so the festive season has passed once again, a year out and now we're into the year of the rooster. horoscope/chinese zodiac has it that in this year of the rooster, those born in the year of the rat (such as myself) will:

1) have bad gambling luck - so no more gambling for me
2) have a busy social life - so time to become a hermit and play CM4 @ home
3) those who don't already have one, will find their potential soulmate - more for clement than me or anyone else hahaha
there's actually a lot more but i cant remember the rest of it.

been doing a lot of nonsense lately, as well as working like a mad man. fri/sat/sun nights are my permanent slots at work which means i get little/no sleep over weekends. and so my only saving grace is that i can get some sleep during weekdays. but apparently not so this week, since i spent nearly the entire week out late at nights. been crashing at zo's and emman's place gambling away and staying up the whole night. i usually can be found face down on my bed/pillows the following day at home.

in general, things have been going rather well - nice, smooth and snazzy, a nice start to this new lunar year. hopefully this is merely a taste of things to come, then i would love to go thru the whole year - last year was a total trashcan; hopefully it's being made up to me this time round. but naturally u can't really have everything in life, or in a lunar year either. certain successes will be realised while others have to bear the brunt of disappointment. one word : priority - defines it all. which is why i decided to spend last night after work at home instead of at emman's place getting wasted and gambling my angpaos away haha.

Maserati Gransport - that's just sweet; an aspiration to get one before i perish and die

moving on

2005-02-03T16:05:00.000+08:00

another month has passed and now it's feb already. three days into the new month and many things have happened as well as changed already.

master driver lorenzo escano has finally faltered. i will not delve into details but i suspect anyone can guess what happened, judging by the comments on my tagboard at the side, most in condemnation of cabbies. lol. no worries man zo, it's all over already so just leave it back and move on yea? i will still gladly take rides in your car man cos u are still quite master driver, just that now is become cat B no more cat A haha.

two years have blown past in the army, something impt to guys. girls prob couldn't care less abt this but this is a significant point in a singaporean male's life, where he regains his freedom and is no longer dogchained by the spore gahmen. on top of that, it offers him a chance to let his brain cells start functioning once again, after 2 long years of being dormant when we very nearly became vegetables. for most, 3/4 yrs of university education beckons ahead but prior to that, btwn now and june/july which is when term starts, it is time for fun fun and more fun, nothing else. time to rot away the days, burn your time since you've so much on hand and take holidays. of course finding a part time job would be good but well that's not really a must now , is it? haha.

the guys (des clem zo) are prob heading for europe in april, going to london, french alps and someplace else i think. would love to join them but personal commitments take priority. maybe another time yea, guys, hope you all can understand my situation, would appreciate if u would.

this is quite out of point but i was just thinking, i have this funny craving to want to be at wall street next time, hopefully donning a nice working attire while at work and mingling with the rest of the american working crowd. i wonder what it's like to be surrounded by busy people all around, rushing here and there, and to be enveloped in the middle of it. i know it sounds insane but i think it is some sort of sightseeing experience in its own way, to feel the pressure of people all around yourself and how it is their way of life.

i don't particularly want to settle down and stay here in spore for the rest of my life, that's for sure. twenty sore years here is enough for me and it's time to move along and out of this island of a country which is too small to keep me occupied for another twenty years. to a certain extent, i feel a tad bit claustrophobic here, as i long for the endless highways and greens that are so readily available for my appreciation in america, britain, or australia (of course i would still have to end up in a developed/semi-developed country). as such i guess it makes sense to say that i'm gonna drag my ass out of this town asap, with or without my tertiary education intact, and build my career elsewhere, hopefully america. there's nothing absolutely wonderful about the states as im sure kim would agree with me but i just want the endless space, the dynamic boundaries that can nearly never be completely visited. and yes i want to travel all 52 states once i've settled there.

call me unpatriotic if you will but that's what 2+ years of army time does to your mind/sense of belonging.

-

2005-01-31T14:14:00.000+08:00

i dont usually make entries with lyrics in them but at this point of time, i think this is the most appropriate way to sum up thoughts within my mind.

The Beatles - Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

bored to boards

2005-01-28T15:42:00.000+08:00

still haven't gone back to camp yet, sigh. i bet its gonna be so sian once i really do have to go back to camp, prob next week. bleah.
went for training on wed, had a tiring session cos i wanted to work out. was supp to go running with zo n clem but we decided against it, in favour of playing hotel, the board game at zo's place. haha yes, we are all like gay little kiddies who have nothing better to do than to play board games and playstation 2 winning eleven. don't judge us xP beginner's luck was with me so i was the ultimate hotelier haha (trick is to build many phases free hahaha). slacked around a bit before changing up to go down to zouk. mild drinking and moderate dancing made it a blahblah night before coming home for rest.
skipped everything on thurs again before going down to clem's place to try to fix up his virus infected computer; i should start charging for my computer repair services, i think i could make quite a bit hurhur. joined zo n andrew in town later in the evening and we hung around, played a bit of pool before going back home for more interactive board game gay action haha. it was time for monopoly. played like mad freaks again with a new interesting rule - each vulgarity uttered would make that player contribute 10 monopoly dollars to the freeparking fund. that was a serious kick to the game haha. played till late then grabbed a quick supper at adam before heading home.
am up now on fri afternoon, gonna go to work soon. sigh. the weekend is here. most people enjoy the weekends and even look forward to them, but i guess i don't. isn't really much for me to look forward to during the weekends, not any more. my weekends are just a simple cycle: work, sleep, get up, go to work, sleep, get up, go to work, sleep. and then after that it's monday already. no interaction time on weekends. none, zero, nil, zilch. oh well. it's quite a sad thing but i guess i'm not all that sociable anyway either so it doesn't bother me, not much at least.
cny is around the corner so let's hope we all get nice big fat red packets laden with moolah. and we can play more board games too!! lol

homey

2005-01-25T22:14:00.000+08:00

did more homey stuffs today - did some gardening like plucking the weeds and watering the plants and all, then did some painting of the walls of the house to get it looking nice and white for the new year visitations. quite a productive afternoon i might say.

cabbed down to ghim moh market for kopi with my driving instructor, sat down and had good laughs for a good 2 hrs. i think i seem to click better with older people haha suddenly i feel so old and i'm not even 21 yet haha.

my bio clock is seriously screwed. i tried so hard to sleep early the past 2 nights, getting into bed at 12+ to 1am but to no avail. i can't sleep. tossed and turned till i finally fell asleep at abt 3+ which seems to be my body's auto shut down time now, which is not good cos i have to go to camp tmr morning (finally again) and i'm so gonna die with a severe lack of sleep. and i've training in the noon too. sigh.

i even tried counting sheep last night. i got to about four hundred and twenty before i lost count cos my hp beeped a new msg. double sigh.

change

2005-01-25T01:46:00.000+08:00

how is it that certain events/experiences change a person? i don't get it sometimes. i mean, how do u know or how do u determine what kind of impact it has before it can change a person? and if those events/experiences change u for the future, then is it still considered "living in the past"? is there some sort of richter scale by which we can judge whether it changes us or not?

do we learn the lessons at hand then move on with that newfound knowledge?
sorta like how u have to learn to walk and fall down in the process before u can run?

beats me.

anyhow i changed the pic on my sidebar. yes that little fella with his arms raised is me hahaha. and i conjured up some big green powerful looking thingy. don't ask why it's green, the picture is like that haha

lance type R

2005-01-24T21:37:00.000+08:00

a most eventful day today - for the later part of it that is.

was planning to go to camp (finally :P) this morning, and was all set till about 630am when i got a most unexpected phone call, which meant i didn't go to camp in the end. haha. awol, yet again. 3rd week in a row already, and i realised i haven't seen my boss in person since before xmas. haha. but it was well worth it - i'd receive such calls any day and skip camp most willingly :))

spent most of the day at home cleaning up the house, helped my parents repair and replace lights that burnt out and other domestic cleaning. feel sorta obliged to help out my folks also anyway so it's all good.

went with zo and andrew for a jog at spe/smu but was mostly at botanical gardens. ran about 3 klick and now i know my problem. it's not that i'm unfit (not that i'm damn fit either, mind you) but my fucking bilateral degenerating ankles are a real piss off. a serious piss off. managed till about half the distance before i had to stop cos my ankles felt like they were gonna drop out - literally. like *plop* and off go my ankles; oh my god i left my ankles behind! i think i really have to start taking the stupid glucosamine sulphate on a more regular basis - i'm not even taking them now though it was prescribed for my degenerating bilateral knees and ankles. managed to complete the whole circuit anyway. went down to smu for a quick meetup with some pals - sam jas chris yiqi and dinner at haven before going back to zo's place which is where im blogging from now.

so here's the long-awaited highlight of my day.
was in zo's car on the way back from smu when we drove past watten estate. we knew beforehand that clem was there playing mahjong at a frd's place so we knew his bike was there. took a quick stop with the intention to move his bike across the road (manually - by pushing) so he'd get a shocker when he finished his mahjonging. but surprise surprise, he left his keys in the keyhole. yes, i know he's a total moron. but so then *dingdong* we got an idea. zo took the keys and rode clem's bike home and i drove back. it's quite near so safety is no issue; zo rode the bloody bike without a helmet and im driving without a license but oh well. *evil smirk* we got so fucking high doing it and now clem's little honda wave 125cc is sitting in the bicycle shelter below next to zo's lancer. hahaha. i wonder what his reaction will be when he notices his bike missing. here's my guess:

clem: "oh fuck! my bike's missing! #@#^%&$@&#$(censored expletives)!!!!!"

desmond (who's mahjonging there also): "what the fuck lar.. where's your keys?"

clem: "shit! nooooo i left them in the keyhole!!"

desmond: "you.are.a.fucking.moronic.idiot."

or something like that hahahahaha and now i wonder what's gonna happen. the thrill of youth haha.

so as a result of tonight's highly interesting activities, zo is richer by a new honda wave S 125cc and myself - i got a new mitsubishi lance type R. haha. -_-

on another note, new blogs that just came up :
lorenzo's blog - i had a hand in creating it haha
andrew's blog - umm.. i fixed his computer so i have a hand in making it work too haha.
eh u guys, i'm doing free advertising so u better pay me some premiums or loyalty money ah hurhurhur

sneeze

2005-01-21T16:03:00.000+08:00

over at zo's place now, was fixing up andrew's computer to get it working. tried fixing zo's too but it's a lost war haha. the two mad ficks are running about their rooms trying to tidy/pack up their messy lives, and i'm caught smack in the middle of all the dust particles floating freely in the air *sneeze*

had a not-so-gd footy game earlier, got into somewhat of a fight (again lol) then dropped by serene centre macs to watch clem n des eat their lunch then came over. andrew cooked up some pasta and since we're a buncha hungry fags after a shackening game of ball, the taste and contents don't matter haha. j/k, he cooks quite well actually, something i sadly cannot say the same for my pathetic self.

hari raya today, so selamat hari raya to all the mats n minas. hope u all get many many green angpaos.
sam's birthday party on sat, so happy birthday to sam and kow. hope the party at thumper will be good shit n we'll all get pissed drunk.

gonna be working my ass off again this weekend, consecutive three night shifts in a row. i am so going to have massive eyebags and breakouts soon.

not really in the mood to write much - stuff lingering on my mind. quite bothersome but oh well, will just deal with it. cheers to all and have a gd long wkend.

-

2005-01-19T21:31:00.000+08:00

i hate uncertainty. because it fucks with your mind. nothing less.

ceiling

2005-01-19T13:58:00.000+08:00

worked thru the whole weekend. getting very little sleep. eyebags creeping up to my eyelids. uncontrollable outbreak of zits all over.

skipped camp this week again. haven't stepped into a camp for 2 wks now. my uniform still hangs on the wall. i love this. i love the thrill of awol. i wonder if i'll love the thrill of db though. haha.

watched kinsey on monday evening, went drinking and car-racing again on tues, gonna go kick ball later on. and the highlight of my week - i went jogging on monday with zo n clem at spe. hurhur. i managed to complete 1.6km n a short sprint. and i still live to tell the tale now! -_- u could say i surprised myself.

i've a stupid little analogy.

i sometimes think that life is like the ceiling in your room. mine's white color. that's how we all begin, pure and simple, nothing to tarnish the spotless surface. as we grow in age and undergo experiences, spots start appearing on the white. little spots for small events in our life, and big twats for more significant ones. the colors, it's a personal thing. for me, black signifies negative events while red signifies positive ones. so now my ceiling has black and red spots and twats. black for days like when i failed my chinese and got fucked over by my parents, when i pulled my hamstring, when i felt suicidal etc. and red for times when i was on all the overseas holidays with all the friends, when i got wasted but happy during my 20th bday celebration, when i finally do ord etc. so as i said, both big and small, black and red patterns adorn my ceiling of white.
my point is this : it's always easier to have something happen to u or something u think about that justifies a huge black twat, so big that it can cover up most of the ceiling and in that, most of the red spots. but to find something to form a huge red twat, it's almost impossible. big red twat, yes, but not huge. that rarely comes about, and i still haven't got that yet and it irks me. maybe it's just me, the way i am that i can always crash without even flying. but oh well, it would no doubt be cool if i could get the ceiling red. a nice big sea of even red. so even if black spots appear later on, at least the base is red already, and i take consolation in that.
and now i wish that i live in an open air house cos i can't help staring at the ceiling as i lie in bed without having these thoughts enter my livid mind.

ord mood

2005-01-14T15:16:00.000+08:00

it's been a fairly interesting week, but the one that really gets the icing on the cake is that i didn't step into camp at all this week. haha. and no, i'm not on leave nor on off. haha. so i successfully awol-ed my entire week away, happily getting up at 10am everyday and going about doing my own stuff. even my uniform is still hanging there waiting for me to put it on and it's been there the whole week. haha. oh well, the mentality of an ord soldier.

did some domestic stuff on mon & tues, met up with alicia n cheng on wed night. supper was intended, but we ended up going all over the island. went down to clementi lavazza for coffee, then drove up to mt. faber hill bistro for drinks and finger-food and nice gossip hahaha. then drove down to kranji war memorial state cemetery to sit down with the dead and look at the stars. never realised there were actually so many constellations, and of course i don't know all of them. we all only knew 'orion' aka the hunter's belt haha. caught a couple of shooting stars but didn't have enough warning to think up a wish. dang. left after a while around 3+ then drove down to changi to take a look at the transies there before going to a small road parallel to the airport runway. sat there playing with firecrackers, eating sandwiches, drinking pop drinks and smoking while talking nonsense. i was on the phone for most of the time though hurhur -_- left at 6 to get my ass back home and just as my mom was sending my sis to school, i walked thru the door. haha. shoulda seen the look on her face - total shock. haha. got online and talked to kim for a bit till 8+ then plopped in the sack till mid afternoon thursday.

went down to holland v to join clem n sam for lunch at crystal jade, then coffee at cbtl. sat down to chill and had a very "yuppie" bit to it, as clem says. yuppie at 20yrs old. RIGHT. went over to his place to slack for a bit then zo came over. had dinner before coming back to my place for mahjong till past midnight. talked on the phone for a bit before knocking out. and now i'm awake at 330pm on friday afternoon stoning my ass on my chair at home. i love ord. hurhur.

---------------------

read this :-

in soccer, there are no time outs. there are no helmets, no shoulder pads, no commercial breaks, no warm dugouts, no halftime extravaganza. so if that's what you need, play another sport. you wuss.

haha i found that damn amusing, thanks kimmie =)) it goes to show how mildly unpopular soccer is in the states opposed to other sports like football. and to play american football over soccer means you're a wuss? gee. that's a bit off, dont you think?

eureka!

2005-01-11T16:53:00.000+08:00

check this out:-

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A study published on Monday found that people who sleep less tend to be fat, and experts said it's time find if more sleep will fight obesity.

Monday's study from Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk covered 1,000 people and found that total sleep time decreased as body mass index -- a measure of weight based on height -- increased.

Men slept an average of 27 minutes less than women and overweight and obese patients slept less than patients with normal weights, it said. In general the fatter subjects slept about 1.8 hours a week less than those with normal weights.

read more here:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=571&e=1&u=/nm/health_sleep_dc

haha now i know my saving grace. more sleep hurhur :))

-

2005-01-10T13:07:00.000+08:00

it's been a relatively alright weekend, worked on fri night, then went out on sat. met up with ex-classmates and had lunch and some laughs with them till evening time. then joined sam chris jas yiqi kow zhongyi for dinner at california pizza kitchen, smoked like a chimney once again as we sat there for 2 hrs +. caught seed of chucky after that and hey it's not that scary a show haha i have officially graduated and now i have balls of steel. it was more of a comedy than anything, laughed my ass off the seat a couple of times too. went down to rouge for a bit after that then supper with the gang at glutton square. caught a ride home after that and crashed out at 3am. got up early sunday to drag my heavy ass to work at 10am, worked till 6pm then came home to have steamboat dinner. stoned at home and did some domestic stuff & talked on the phone for coupla hours till bedtime at 2.

its merely even a week but already, the past week feels so uber empty, it seems more like a whole fricking year. i hate that feeling, of uncertainty. blah. i think i shall work and work and work to distract and occupy myself till i crumble to bits.

mambo schmambo

2005-01-06T13:29:00.000+08:00

went down for mambo last night, and it wasn't a blast, to say the least. though i managed to achieve my main objective of going down to drown my sorrows in the drinks and becoming a chimney. it's unhealthy and bad i know, but sometimes there really isn't anything else that can help make you feel better.

guess i really just didnt have the mood to party, was more stone than anything, with things heavily on my mind and i seriously doubt it'll go away anytime soon. i think i'm just gonna put a hold on partying for a bit, i mean, why go if you won't enjoy yourself at all? that sounds pretty pointless to me. and besides, i need to start saving up for something of much greater importance.

as such, to all my clubbing buddies, clem des zo edwin emman vig lumps sam & whoever else, if you're a real pal you'd know what i need right now and what i don't.

a long entry

2005-01-04T14:34:00.000+08:00

havent updated in quite a while, and all of a sudden, the change of events that have occurred now leave me in the unenviable position with an abundance of time. i know most people would enjoy having loads of time on their hands, but not in my case, for i lie stranded on my little island in solitude, something i am unaccustomed to.

the past two months of november and december have been.. wonderful, and that would be an understatement. a fair share of ups as well as downs, but at the end of it all, it was really nothing short of superb. the holidays, the free days at home, meeting up with all the friends for all sorts of occasions, even celebrating xmas at work was great fun.

on a more personal note, a certain chapter of my book called life has gone past and turned over. not entirely though, for this chapter does not end here; it is merely put on hold till a later time when its contents can be filled with glee and joy once again. it was not written for long, but it was noted down with great depth and emotions. the irony of it is my fear to reopen this incomplete chapter at any date later than today, for there's really no saying how it may make me feel. i believe this is called uncertainty, and is what i will face everyday from now on.

and as such, my new year resolution for year 2005 is to persevere with greater resolve in the things that matter a lot to me. resolve being the key word. this is rather general that encapsulates most things like completing my tertiary education, completing ns in one piece and such, fortifying the friendships that define my livelihood etc. but for one item in particular, the resolve to have faith and belief despite the unnerving uncertainty, that if things are meant to turn out well then they simply would, regardless of circumstances and constraints.

forgive my disorganised blabbering, if you don't like it, don't read on. i happen to be very much in the mood for reflections and such; emotional turmoil growing within me. as such, i offer short notes to those who have made my last 2 months that much more enjoyable.

in chronological order :

to my army colleagues that went to hk with me in mid nov: hope i managed to successfully show you around my other and more prized homeland, and needless to say, it was enjoyable being with you before i am released from the clutches of the singapore government in upcoming march. thanks for being there.

to my bunch of girlfriends sam jas andrea and clem who went bangkok with me in end nov: shopping was good, food was great, the company was the best. nothing short of ecstacy during the trip, with the late nights drinking cheap thai beer and smoking away (only for sam haha), the wrestling/massage sessions we had late at night which had me upended in btwn the beds, the lovely cap which now lies on my privileged bed haha, and many more memories never to forget. lets go someplace again sometime soon ok? love you all to bits.

to my parents who went to hk & phuket (no i didnt die in the tsunami) with me: umm my parents dont read blogs so .......

to the hot chicks gail kim jo shimei who went to kl with me just last week: next time we go on any holiday like this, bring another guy please. it is torturous looking out for just one or two girls, much less four of you! lol j/k lar, but truthfully, the shopping was a blast as was the food. and our little private nye talk-nonsense session at cpk, well, it was simply fab. laughing my ass off so hard to all the "what if" and "would u rather" questions ranging from beastiality to apples and oranges. and who can forget the midnight mahjong sessions where you all have finally learnt the proper rules of the game. all in all, it was lovely and i would give anything to go with you bunch of twizzards anytime again.

to my few closest friends (you know who you are): thanks for everything, not only the past 2 months but also for the entire year and more. friends are what keep me going and you know that, so appreciation is due and shall be dealt generously. and for the past week or so that i've been tied up in personal doings that i didnt call u guys out, thanks for understanding.

to a particular one kimberly who should be on flight UA 896 to chicago right now: i dont think i have to tell you how hard things will be, but that doesnt mean it cannot be attempted, since we've pulled thru certain recent ordeals hand-in-hand already. the duration was albeit short, but most fulfilling nonetheless and i would kill to have it again. take good care of yourself over there since you're gonna be on your own; wish i could be there too but reality strikes harshly. and i am not looking forward to receiving any beanie babies in my mail, not for the next 4 years xP
i have but one word for you to remember constantly: resolve
that is all i ask of you, in return for everything i've done for you.
be good and study hard, dear. call me soon k? <3 u lots

with that, my little dedication is over and any that i've left out, my sincere apologies. your time will come haha i sound like an assasin.
red weary teary eyes adorn my eyebagged face now and my bed beckons.

pics

2004-12-20T16:14:00.000+08:00

random pics.

my hk cousin - he's how freaking cute

i found this v amusing - zo and clem caught in the act

my name - in thai. courtesy of the cap clem & e girls got for me in bangkok =)

i like xmas

2004-12-20T15:53:00.000+08:00

returned from a weekend trip up to hk, met up with the whole family and had some good times playing with my cute cousin. did some shopping since hk is the land of shopping/sales. got a nice pair of jeans from ralph lauren and a brit-humored t-shirt. bought other goodies for frds back here and didnt do much else. met a friend on either flight so the airplane rides weren't that boring. small world eh.

the festive season has arrived, and so my mood for working has eloped hurhurhur. as such i am now sitting at home on a monday afternoon when i'm supp to be in the office at camp typing this blog entry. i wonder if they'll ever charge me for awol. hmmmm. so i have this wonderfully drafted out plan till the new year. check it out.

i'm gonna take alternate day offs this week (20-24 dec), self-declared of course, then take next monday or tuesday or what-the-hell, maybe just both days off, then on wed i'm off to kl till sat. then its the new year already! which means i effectively had about 5 working days this month of december. that's my self-declared and self-awarded present to myself from the glorious saf.

merry xmas and happy new year to all.

3 down, 2 to go

2004-12-09T14:14:00.000+08:00

that's my countdown. 3 down, 2 to go.
i speak of holidays, vacations, overseas trips, whatever you call it.
hongkong, bangkok, phuket have been completed in 3 separate trips.
hongkong, kl await me in this festive month.
its probably more of a blessing than anything else that i can travel so much in a year, much less in the space of 2 months.
but it is still tiring. very much so.

hongkong was good fun with office mates and colleagues, checking out the usual sights and playing a bit, accompanied by a healthy amount of eating and shopping. didnt really do much, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

bangkok with clem & the girls was fun too, in a different sense, with a different group in a different country. for once i wasn't to be a tour guide - that was clem's role. but i was unable to shy from becoming the group porter, ahmad, whatever other mundane and menial stuff to be done - it was my cut. practically shopped and ate a lot there since its so freaking cheap. drank cheap thai beer in the nights too, and i was the proud recepient of andrea offering me back massage by stepping all over me as i lay tummy down on the bed. days and nights passed, and i caught few winks btwn them all. but at the end of it all, a much fulfilled trip.

was supp to go nz with my family for my sis' post-psle celebration since she did pretty well so it was to be a reward. but it was not to be since the weather there was "horrid" as quoted from my dad. altered it the last minute (and i mean last minute. like 3 hrs prior to my departure for nz they cancelled the trip) and my butt ended up in phuket instead. not that it was a bad choice. suntanned @ the beach till i burnt red like a boiled lobster, playing loads of pingpong and snooker with dad and sis, canoed, windsailed everyday, ate and ate and ate and drank cartons of beer (not really lar but u get the idea) cos its so super cheap, even in the damn hotel. being treated like a king once in a while is really welcome, chaffeurs ferrying you everywhere, personal assistants at your beck and call (sounds familiar, kim? xP), having a huge room to bask in.. the works really. of course it comes at a price, a hefty one i might add, but that's the joy of family vacations. haha i sound like a bastard son but hey, i cant possibly afford a quarter of the trip. take this for good measure, one room for one night at the hotel (sheraton) without applying taxes can get you the equivalent of an ipod. and we had 2 rooms for 3 nights each. thats 6 damn ipods. i tried dropping hints along the way about the ipod conversion rate i had developed with regards to the trip's expenditure, i wonder if my dad picked them up haha after all xmas is coming!

so those are the adventures gone by of will the whale as i have come to be known recently, thanks to clem the clam and sam the ham.

i think by the time the year is over and all my vacations are complete, i will boycott airplanes for a good period of time because i'm so sick of flying and travelling around.

back to camp tmr, first time in 3 weeks. sigh no wonder i feel a lil sian today. last day of freedom haha. and i have to cut my hair too haha its so freaking long it irritates my neck with rashes sometimes.

pinch me with a pinch of salt

2004-12-01T16:36:00.000+08:00

just got back from bangkok yesterday afternoon, had loads of fun with clem sam jas andrea.. shopped and ate a lot. walked a lot too. and now i'm back and i need rest the next 2 days before i'm off to nz to live a farm life. oh wow. cant you just see me hopping in complete enthusiasm.

anyway, i've been blessed with the wisdom of kim, who has just gave me a new outlook on life in general. one which i didn't really think about before but maybe i'll just give it a shot for a change. which is pretty much the new title as above.

my only concern is that the pinch of salt gets too big and i start becoming overly critical about people then i end up become a real cynic/skeptic. and that would be SO not me - for those that know me at least.

oh well. i think i need real pinches sometimes. as in literally. to wake me from my fucking dream and step into the face of reality.
which normally happens now when i look into the emptiness of my wallet hahaha.

choices

2004-11-25T17:16:00.000+08:00

out of sight, out of mind

absence makes the heart grow fonder

of the two, which holds true?

realization

2004-11-21T23:28:00.000+08:00

original:
time flies when you're enjoying yourself.

my edit:
time really flies when you're really enjoying yourself.

realization hits me.

the pure honesty of the truth.

it came and gone.

in the blink of an eye.

my whole weekend.

it came and now, it's all gone.

but it doesn't matter.

because i'm happy.

really happy.

none

2004-11-18T03:57:00.000+08:00

with particular reference to the previous entry, damn i am weak. because i succumbed to peer pressure and those tweebs asked me down to zouk anyway. i was so damn shacked out but in the end i still went. oh wow why am i not surprised. sigh.
didn't do much, didn't drink much either. prob cos we're all broke as hell and desperately looking for jobs aka moonlighting opportunities.

was at indoor stadium doing linesman duty earlier in the day and saw some good players/games, but then again i'm not really a badminton afficionado so i didn't bother with the whole get-their-autograph thing. met kim at work after that then spent some time with her and sent her back. rushed home to meet the tweebs as i mentioned earlier.

and now i am swearing off clubbing for at least a week. because i am broke. because i am dead tired. because i have no more mood to club. because i am getting fatter by each night with all that liquor and beer. so please for heaven's sake don't ask me anymore. thank you.

-----

some things are going chummy chum chum while others aren't but oh well that's what life is all about i suppose. give and take, as they say, you can't have everything. but that's literally. figuratively, we could actually have everything, it just depends on what you term as 'everything' which differs btwn individuals. bah.

long day ahead but i cant afford to slp now cos i know i wont be able to get up again if i do knock out. sigh. someone should invent rest pills or smthg, like after downing the pills you'd feel totally revitalised and full of energy which equates to 8 solid hours of sleep.

back

2004-11-16T15:05:00.000+08:00

back frm hk yesterday evening. rushed home to wash up and all then went down to meet kim n gail in town. walked a bit with them then i went over to see clem while he was working at monster. had a quick dinner with him then went back to nydc with the two mutts for dessert. urgh. i am how blimpish already and i still have to devour all these sinful sugar-enriched composites. strolled a lil bit more in borders and i realise how many new books are out since i haven't been there in quite a while. should i start the whole sit-down-at-borders-like-a-cheapo-and-read-books-for-free thingy? i think my dad would mutilate me if i raked up another $200 book-shopping bill. walked around aimlessly then sent kim back home after that. took the most enviable mrt ride from tampines back to clementi again. i have discovered thru these past few weeks that the duration of travel can range from 44 mins to 49 mins. hmmm.
got home ard midnight plus.

didnt do much in hk, mainly bought gifts for friends only. and by god, i hope they're suitable or i'd just crash haha.

it's really so interesting that the minute i get back, pple start msging me on msn "hey so can u go this wed since u werent there on fri?" and stuff like that. sheesh. makes me sound like some clubbing animal that can bring his owners in. gawd.
but oh well, i guess its quite well known that i generally can't say no to requests from friends. unless it's really something inexorably retarded.

but no. i may not be free on wed night. i have other plans. haha. suck it up fellas.

simple contentment

2004-11-12T03:04:00.000+08:00

pretty contented with the way things are generally nowadays, kinda rediscovered my touch to smile and laugh a lot haha.

after training hard on wednesday, went down to phuture with clem des zo andrew edwin and kim & gail joined us later on. it was so freaking packed coz it was a public holiday eve and a wednesday.. i have never ever seen it so fucking packed before.. even the slope leading to the entrances were swarmed with a million people.
got there just in time to get the table, then had to be a lil thickskinned to get arun (floor manager) to help get the others thru the crowd and in first.. sat down and drank and talked with her before the rest came in and had interesting conversations about social networking, life skills and the such (alicia, once again i owe you).. drank like mad men, jug after jug, mug after mug.. the whole table was filled with tiger mugs and jugs other than kim & gail's multiple martinis haha.
danced a whole lot and stayed till closing, which hasn't been done in a really long while. had loads of fun doing gay dirty dancing with des n zo haha.. you should have seen the look on the faces of the people on the adjacent tables hahaha.. but in any case it was really great fun with everyone there, so thanks everyone =)

woke up on thurs to a dimsum brunch with kim n gail at crystal jade holland v , then went down to suntec with kim to play nanny for her cousin to watch shark tale.. was a pretty hilarious show too haha.. walked around for a bit aimlessly then her cousin left for home.. went on to haagen daz at tangs for some sinful sugarstuffs then bussed back with her to tampines. spent some time with her since i'm leaving for hk later on then sent her home. cabbed home in a rush, changed, grabbed the presents and went down to andrea's place for her bday party. smoked and dranked like a mad kid with the usual gang again (sorry kim.. xP), had loads of bbq food, played couple rounds of mahjong and went for a spin in des's car. quite shacked out so came home courtesy of desmo limo services haha.

and now here i am typing this with half-lidded eyes, havent started packing my luggage at all for a flight that leaves at 8am in the morning.. i'll be in hk for a couple of days till monday and no i am not bringing along my hp so pls dont call or msg me stupid things like "help me buy back roast goose" and whatever other shit there is.

i'll prob bring my laptop along so if anyting ,just drop me an email and i'll prob check it. =)

bitchings

2004-11-09T01:56:00.000+08:00

i need to bitch badly. it's boiling inside of me and it wont go away damn it. it's been there for a couple of days now and it's still here.

ever feel like things that you want done, can't be done because of factors that aren't within your control? that feeling of helplessness, knowing that no matter how much you do or try, it's not gonna change anything at all because it simply can't be altered.

it feels like shit really. feels drop dead f*cked up.

especially after considerations have been thought of and decisions have been made.

and yet that final decision cannot be realised because of external factors that hinder its very existence.

fuck.

shack

2004-11-08T02:09:00.000+08:00

woohoo i am so freaking tired but so freaking happy so i guess the tiredness doesn't kick in at all, or at least not yet haha.

took the morning off on friday so that i could escape muster parade (and yes i am already excused boots and prolonged standing haha) and so i slept till about noon. which means that in the 2 days i have slept a total of 15 hours. 7pm - 10pm on thurs night and 3am - 12 noon on friday so 15 hours! caught up on much needed sleep yay.
went to camp for training in the afternoon and shacked myself out, since i felt i had enough rest the past 2 days, but that was a lack of vision on my part, as i will explain later below.

rushed back from training then to jelita to buy timtams for kim (all girls like timtams i think; its a girl thing) then sped down to pasir ris downtown east costa sands resort to accompany her to play nanny coz her younger cousin was having a chalet. actually spent most of the time walking around the place because the solitary room was so overcrowded with little 12-yr-old kiddos running around playing xbox and card games. and it really didn't help that our next-door neighbours were a bunch of underaged-smoking genuine heartland ahbengs.

walked around the chalet area until we got so freaking bored and tired.. barely slept the whole night -sigh- had early macs breakfast at 630am then went to escape for the rest of the day. rode rides like a gazillion times over and got wet because kimmie wanted to sabo me =( .. and i think i fell sick too coz they forced me to take some windy ride when i was still all drenched and i was so freaking cold. spent a total of 10 solid hours there before we finally left. and yes for those that are interested, i do have a tan now. i'm brown on my arms, below the elbow. which is so fugly, i really should have worn a singlet.

took couple of bus rides to send kim and her cousin back to her cousin's place, said hi to evan then i took bus all the way back to bkt tmh and then home. and no my day is still not over.

rushed a shower and cabbed to town to meet clem n des for some shit at chinablack. tip: never go drinking on an empty stomach because it feels horrible. notice i didn't mention anything about food after breakfast on sat morning... so then decided to bug off ard 1+ coz it was getting boring. went on down to pre rouge to meet chris sam andrea n yiqi.. had a couple of drinks before going to supper at glutton's square with clem. ate loads of unhealthy food like bbq chix wings and char kway teow and longan drinks. came home and totally crashed out with severe eyebags.

woke up this morning with a mild hangover.. kim was my alarm clock of the day, calling at 11+ to talk but oh well it's nice to have pleasant sounding alarm clocks in place of the usual beepbeepbeep crap =) .. talked for quite a while before clem called and made plans to go swimming.. took a short dip then lunch at american club and i couldn't finish my portion for the first time.. it was only fish n chips.. i think i am really on the way to losing weight yay (oh who am i bluffing).. went down with sam jas des clem to shop for andrea's upcoming bday gift and haha it is quite funny how we pick nonsense presents haha. went down to work after that then now just finished watching man utd draw at home to man city with des n clem (damn it).

time to sleep, since as i've mentioned earlier, i have a severe lack of rest. thankfully i've training tmr morning and not work in camp or i'll prob just faint or smth.
freaking no more morning msn sessions with pple like kim, sam n all =(

ladeedah

2004-11-04T16:24:00.000+08:00

tuesday was pretty uneventful, save for kim coming down to cine to find me @ work and take some unhealthy passive smoking while i fagged away haha. (but thx really kim, work was damn sian b4 u came down)

slacked at camp on wed with training then rushed home to sleep. totally crashed out after i showered because i only slept 4 hrs in the last 48. got up at 930 to eat dinner then went down to holland v in the hope of drinking some. unfortunately everywhere was closed, and andrea wanted to drink. ended up buying drinks from 7-11, taking the unfinished bottle of absolut vodka from my cupboard and went down to kap with des, clem, sam and andrea for drinks, smokes, peanuts and crapping. left around 3+ to come home to watch the match with clem. kept knocking out on the massive couch downstairs but the match was well worth the time. finally turned in at 545 and got up at 7. went to camp, only for my boss to tell me he's on mc today and asked me to go home also since there's nothing for me to do in camp. that was at 8.10am. why oh why can't he just call me half an hour earlier then i could sleep the whole morning away. argh.

rested at home for a bit, then went out to meet kim for lunch earlier on. walked around a bit before sending her back to work after lunch hour. and the rain is fucking pouring now so i'm stuck at home for the better part of the evening i guess. and i wanna sleep. rain is drowsy.
-------------
just smthg interesting to ponder, chatting with kim:

kimmm. says:
thank goodness for msn

will : ¾ stoned says:
lol

kimmm. says:
can u imagine if we worked in the 80s or early 90s?

kimmm. says:
haha

kimmm. says:
we wldnt even have internet!

will : ¾ stoned says:
hahaha

will : ¾ stoned says:
we'd use telegrams

will : ¾ stoned says:
to chat

kimmm. says:
.......

kimmm. says:
but it's not instant

kimmm. says:
and we wldnt have hps

will : ¾ stoned says:
lol i know.

kimmm. says:
and our PCs wld be those huge kinds

i wonder.. hmmm no internet, big PCs and no HPs. how to survive? i'd sooner kill myself haha.

bullshit

2004-11-02T10:40:00.000+08:00

i'm bored as hell at work. tired, falling sick, bruised and battered. fuck.

take a look.

and then..

i dont know why i just put that up since i'm a guy damn it.

itchy feet

2004-10-31T04:38:00.000+08:00

so then.. mc on thurs and fri highly unproductive, spent more time snoring the hours away in bed.. met des n clem for dinner on fri night, had sanlao at queensway then kbox at cine where sam, zo and mic joined us. caught white chicks which is a funny flick though i've seen it before.. walked sam to her car then went down to monster for a quick round of balls.
but that's not the important bit. i have a lesson to instruct to all today.

went to smu today(sat) to help out sam at the ltb camp with little kids. pretty fun, haven't really done any bbq-ing for a long time.. met very funny people like val(laugh till red like a lobster), max(italian buaya) haha. now it would have been all perfect if, just IF it didn't rain like a freaking overpiss from the skies. flooded the whole area. and it so happens i was wearing my nike no-sock racers. it's made predominantly of cloth, and so, it got drenched, just like my feet and jeans. rushed to work at egames after i was done with bbq duties, with WET SOAKED FEET that squirked water with every step that i took. yech. the whole fricking night, i had stinky feet that my coworker ameet couldn't stand and frankly, neither could i. thanks to the rain that have soaked dirty smelly water into my shoes and subsequently into my feet. argh. finally got home and showered and scrubbed and scrubbed at it but it still stinks!!!
thankfully, tanya (thk you =)) gave me good advice to put some powder and wear a sock, else i would be dead within 10 minutes, from my own stenchy feet. but it's so DAMN itchy i cannot help scratching. i know it's disgustingly sick but SHIT IT IS SO DAMN ITCHY!!! so i have stinky fingers from scratching my feet too much now as well. ugh. i put dettol HYGENIC talc powder haha i wonder if it really helps. and i have to bear with the stench when i wash my soaked racers tomorrow. maybe i should just throw them away, so frinking stinky. bleurgh.

so my lesson for today: don't ever go 10 hours with soaked feet in a pair of water-absorbing soaked shoes without changing out of them until you get home and end up stinking the whole house and your own room which you have to sleep in the whole night because the stink and ITCH is so intolerable you will scratch until your fingers end up stinking like your feet as well. it's so bad that the stink from my feet can even mask the smell of cigarettes on my fingers. i am so sure that i am developing foot rot right this moment. i only await the inevitable arrival of foot worms. eck.

but on the other hand, i recall vaguely from somewhere that foot rot can get you several days worth of mc. hmmm... dilemma.

crashed

2004-10-28T13:31:00.000+08:00

last night was a mess. it was dead fun, but a fun mess.
after cs-ing at egames, went down to zouk with zo, clem and des. wanted to open bottle at members but zo drove so he couldn't drink much, and clem is a constant drink-reject. so in the end we just had jugs upon jugs of beer and some greentea martell. played 5-10 cantonese style and fucking zo is hilarious at cantonese. maybe because he's a filipino haha.
kim came down with leo so i bought them lychee martinis each and with that i have cleared my long-standing debt with kimmie to buy her a lychee martini. (haha happy now kim? xP) hanged around members till sam, andrea and her friends came down.. had some trouble finishing up the drinks coz everyone left, only me, zo, sam and andrea were left at the table struggling to finish up the drinks. inevitably, we left the drinks unfinished and ran away from the table to phuture to hit the dance floor. danced a short while only before we had to go out to take care of des coz he wasn't feeling too good.
sat outside with clem, zo and sam trying to relax des.. never seen anyone get drunk and suffer the effects of finger cramps (???) after drinking too much.. went off to eat bakkuteh for supper with them all, and i decided to accompany des since he looked pretty bad and lonely puking all alone so i puked too! and fuck, it hurts so bad i swear i will never ever force puke out again when its not natural.. i swear.. freaking pain as hell man my guts.. anyway, bukkutteh is good after drinking. the pepper kicks in like nobody's business, fucking shiok feeling.
zo was damn nice to send us all back to my place and also send andrea home.. i think we ought to repay him his petrol charges haha.. feel quite bad always scrubbing off him for his car.. got back to my place with clem and des, waited till des finally crashed out on my bed then clem left and i crashed out too.
plans for thursday (today) : take mc. haha

prime thoughts

2004-10-27T19:44:00.000+08:00

actually about to rush out for a night of fun and more decadence but i simply had to blog this down before i left because it's at the prime of my thoughts.

people, especially in the same country and same era, inevitably have numerous links here and there, a social network resembling a spider's woven web, and it is unavoidable to discover these as we go on in life.
no, i'm not saying i've a lot of friends, or that i'm very social. but this is the truth of how society works. so please don't be surprised that mr so-and-so whom you know may well end up being another person's friend as well. in greater focus, someone's enemy may well end up as one's friend's friend. the enemy of your enemy is a friend, as they say, but what about the friend of a friend who is supposedly your enemy?

i have this to say. if for some goddamned reason you have problems with your social life or friendships or whatnot, then deal with it your own bloody self because it's your mess and you shouldn't drag others to pull you out of it. not with the way you jump the gun and assume the worst. that's not only illogical, that's plain unreasonable. and for the love of god, please don't go using reverse psychology or whatever self-condoned methods you have up your sleeve to put the middle people on a guilt trip. if they are truly worthy of your friendship, then i think a little trust and faith in them is definitely not much to ask. your insecurities with friendships are precisely just that. your insecurities. no one else's. go find the solace that you need swooning in your partner's arms or whatever, but please don't fucking drag in others and indirectly dupe them on a guilt trip, especially when you have termed them as friends, so to speak. that's just disgusting in its purest form.

i say this because i have no fear of it. i fear no words, i fear nobody, i fear nothing, because my conscience is clear as crystal and if u should choose to so judge me as arrogant or anything else then tell it to my face, so i'd know how shallow you are.

just had to say that before i left. time to scramble now.

pop quiz

2004-10-27T11:07:00.000+08:00

got this from kim's blog, credit is hers and i'm just a freeloader.
it's not that hard but interesting to think about. can you solve it?

there were 3 men who rented one room for one night at a cheap hotel. because they were the last customers for the day, the owner decided to give them a discount. the cost of the room for one night is actually $30, but the owner gave them $5 off and charged them $25 instead. the 3 men gave the cashier $30 and went up to their rooms to wash up and wait for the change. the cashier then decided to pocket $2 for herself as she thought that the change of $5 would be hard to split between the 3 men equally. so here's the thing. the original cost of the room is $30, and $30 divided by 3 is $10 each. giving the change back to the 3 men would mean that each man paid $9. $9 x 3 = $27. the cashier pocketed $2, which means $27 + $2 = $29. question is - where did the $1 go?

simply happy

2004-10-25T10:00:00.000+08:00

extremely wonderful weekend just went past, pure simplicity in its nature.

had a late night on fri, then slept in till late on sat to cover back some sleeping hours. planned to head out but the rain was a real pisser so stayed home till i made my way down to work at egames, spent the whole noon packing the shitload of mess that has accumulated over several weeks. i seem to be packing my room all the time but it still seems to be messy all the time as well. hmmm.
work was good, struck a deal with fellow coworkers who were damn nice and all, so i left at 845 to meet sam and jas at wisma to shop a bit and grab dinner. met them at this forever 21 shop and wah i tell u, very soon all the shops in orchard are gonna be like it, same pattern as zara, mango etc etc. how boring that would be. hahaha sorry girls, don't kill me haha. yea then had dinner at the jap restaurant opened by the cheesecake brand. and we were the solitary customers there. how enticing. food wasn't too bad, price was pretty alright too. but it really looked too damn "up" for most people to think of stepping in.
went over to lido to get my coworker's taco bell orders and some kfc, then took a ride back to cine from sam (thk you =)). worked extra hard the last couple hours till closing as agreed per the deal with them to let me go earlier on. barbie came by at closing so me, ameet, her and ben went down to glutton's square to grab supper before heading home. sat down and ate and talked nonsense again till i cabbed home at 5+.

crashed out till late sunday morning, but felt damn bad coz i was supp to get up early to send my dad off to the airport at 9am but obviously i couldn't get up, and though i managed to enjoy superior sleeping hours without waking up at all, i still felt damn guilty about the whole thing. got up and talked nonsense with jas online till it was time to go.
walked out in the freaking rain (drizzle haha) to buy jas and sam's lunch from the kopitiam outside my place then cabbed down to smu.
and smu system administrators are a sucky bunch. i can connect to the network, but can't utilise their proxy. which means i can't use the net. so felt damn useless sitting there while sam, jas and chris studied away. took a walk around, met mitchie and victoria, such a shocker. discussed my options and chances of getting into smu with mitchie and isa for a bit then met vic to help her with her stupid tattoo project. i felt like such a experiment under observation or smthg like that haha.
got chased out of our study room by some craps so had to go over to evans instead. but it was still fun. they studying over there while i sat there reading my book and doing mundane stuff on the comp like playing jardinians hahaha.
clem came down in the evening, so we went off to buy them dinner frm adam rd market. ta-paoed the food in his little bike then had a sumptuous meal in the study room which is obviously illegal but fuck it haha. fagged a lot the whole night, but it was good also.
and jas: you better go see a doctor, understand? you sick thing, haha next week i bring for u tracksuit, with the pants also hahaha.
packed up around 9ish while zo, lumpy, vig, andrew, terence and clem made their way to my place. followed sam along to send jas and chris home then all the way back to my place to watch the match together.
had a bit of mahjong first then we all sat down to watch the match. simply wonderful is how we felt, financially and sentimentally hahaha. ate loads of snacks also, so much for my lose-weight scheme. they all went back after the game while clem crashed at my place.
spoke a lil with sam online before turning in and hahaha her ex-bf is how funny i can't take it. simply amusing is the term i choose, despite his death threats towards me haha. simply thinking about it makes me laugh to myself hahaha.

though it wasn't anything special, just a very normal weekend, i liked it. haven't enjoyed such refreshing moments for a very long time, simple stuff like sitting there reading in the company of friends, watching ball in a big group and getting all noisy and rowdy.. it's fun, and i wish it could be routine, but alas, man united don't play arsenal every weekend. but thanks to all who came down, we should do it more often. then we can listen to lumpy's and vig's lameass jokes and offer charity laughter.
but nonetheless, glory to united. hahaha. 2 - 0 hahaha. arse-anal just got analed themselves.
-------------------
been a whole lot happier nowadays, feeling much lighter than i've ever had in a long long while, so i guess anyone should be happy for me coz i'm pretty happy for myself too. little simple things make me happy now, things that probably would never have caught my eye before in the past now get me grinning beyond my ears.
i guess it's right that people who are special to you really can make that much of a difference with the simplest of gestures, though they may not know it.

Raindrops keep falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he' got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are falling on my, head they keep falling

But there's one thing I know
The blues he sends to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Crying's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me.

thurs/fri

2004-10-23T15:19:00.000+08:00

i am still sick and it sucks! fricking coughing with every step that i take, in the office, out in town or at home. some are so bad i thought i would really cough my guts out. oh fuck i just coughed one of those like 2 seconds ago.
went down to zara to get marcus a birthday present then to his party at thumper @ goodwood park. met loads of people there, even bumped into a nj senior (accck!). that stupid fag opened like 8 bottles of martell vsop and had freeflow shots all round. damn shit. and as everyone knows, i am somewhat of an alcoholic now. result? i got a little drunk, but god knows it felt good. kept having toasts for every little reason, played number games the whole damn night with dry martell and smoked cigars. the entire cast of pck came down along with some other mediacorp artistes, then some of the guys starting asking marcus if fiona xie was invited. hahaha, a pity she wasn't hahaha. hit the dance floor and i must say the live band is quite some good shit, doing quality renditions with patrons' requests. the good thing about this sort of music is that there isn't a predefined kind of music for the entire night, like mambo or house. they played all sorts, ranging from oldies, to rock, to pop, to jazz and r&b and even had some chinese! initially i thought being alone at such social events would suck but it got pretty fun and i didnt leave till it was all over at 4+.
was smashed at work on friday due to hangover, had my head throbbing throughout the day but luckily had no real work to do then training in the afternoon so could relax a little. rushed back frm training at ssc (fucking far shit) then rushed out to pick kim frm her workplace. went to tampines with her to do some shopping and dinner. bought her a little black velvety skirt which looked damn gd on her =) followed her to get her new 7610 and boy you shoulda seen how ecstatic she was! it was so cute haha beaming at the new phone and all that hahaha. it's a pretty nice feeling knowing people around you are happy, makes you happy to a certain extent too. had dinner at some ramen shop then sent her home.
clem called so rushed down to monster to meet him for some 9-ball till desmo came. walked in the rain to cine, changed tickets a couple of times then finally got tix for wimbledon midnight show. sat down at starbucks with them and sam, fagged a couple till movie time. show's pretty nice, sweet to a certain extent but such sweetness feelings are void within myself nowadays. supper at prata bomb at thomson before taking a ride back, courtesy of sam dropping me off at jas' place.
actually saw my ex on the way back to meridien to get the car after the show and well, shocked i must say. that this is what she has turned into, and no offence meant, but even without sourness or sore feelings, she's really gone bad. the look, the appearance, the image.. it was all rather.. unsightly. i don't know why, but she just really seemed so very un-her. all that elegance and class i had known before, the simplicity within, as if it had all dissolved into thin air and crafted out the ornate new her. oh well, as long as she's happy i guess, since she's reaching her 1 mth with her new beau too, but i can't help feeling queer. last night's sighting was a total shocker, but was she like that all along, only that i was blinded by love (or seemingly love) or had she changed with recent developments in her personal life? fuck man if it's the first option i'd really be fucking disgusted with myself. ugh. those who know what i'm rambling about, pls tell me. i need a slap from reality, even if it was to effect the past only.
time to scram my pinky ass to work @ egames now. and it's fucking raining. argh fuck i hate travelling in wet weather. my boat shoes get soaked and my toes get all quishy. fuck fuck.

sick... again

2004-10-20T01:44:00.000+08:00

fri night was a killer, as i said earlier. stoned at home to rest on saturday morning and early noon then went down to work in the evening. started pretty well, but ended on a horrible note after a big quarrel with a particular coworker. oh well. it got me really really agitated which in turn aggravated my sickness.
oh well. got back home around 5, crashed on my bed at 6, and got up at 10 for a footy game. thankfully lorenzo didn't mind me being a thickskinned scrubber, so i hitched a ride from him in return for bringing some bread and cheese slices to let him devour with immense joy. haha.
match wasn't too bad, rather surprised myself with my stamina which apparently hasn't really degenerated but instead improved after habitual smoking. interesting discovery of the day. had a long lunch (3hrs) at the kopitiam ard there and we sat down and talked nonsense about footy, saf "secrets" and all that bull.
got home at around 5, lazed at home while the rain poured then saw a doc at about 7. fricking gave me antibiotics. again. sigh. and mc for monday. yay. had a nice dinner with my dad at crystal jade, and it sucks to eat porridge almost 3 days in a row, but no choice - for the better of my throat. but still, aaaargh.
relaxed at home till i took an early night for the first time in about a decade. haha. i meant that figuratively. konked out at about 11 and slept a wonderful 12 hours till monday noon. woohoo.
had lunch with my dad at the a. club then he was pretty nice to drive me all the way down to ubi to get my replacement pdl. the original got chewed up by the washing machine, remember? faaark.
farking waited an hour plus to get a farking piece of green paper. really inefficient is all i can say about the service there. so then went on home to relax for a bit, till des, clem and zo came over for some "friendly" mahjong haha. played till about 1am when they all went back to camp.
camp was normal, less the rain which wanted to make me sleep the whole bloody day and also due to my "this may cause drowsiness" medicines. flew down to egames to work and farking hell, virus attack again. fricking irritating, but still left and got home in one piece.
so it's time for me to catch 40 winks in 4 hours, about 10 per hour only, which is obviously not enough.
and no, i don't think i am in any condition to zouk on wed night so pls don't tempt me, all you evil people.

beer-biotics

2004-10-16T14:32:00.000+08:00

i have learnt a new lesson the hard way.
never drink beer when you're on an antibiotics course. it is deadly.
i made that silly mistake last night. i've been on antibiotics for my fever, flu and gastric (yes i know i sound damn sick and in fact i really am) and i made the mistake to go down to zouk last night. haha. damn you emman, but ah it's alright la, gave you my word i'd go anyway so i'd stick to it. so, yea. beer, or any alcohols for that matter, don't go well with antibiotics, or probably any medication for that matter too. and it didn't help that i drank about 4-5 mugs. not that much by normal routine standards but with medicine, woah, my head was pounding like a hammer on a nail for the whole damn night. could hardly stand up straight without having to endure the throbbing pain in my head.
interesting part came later at 2+ when leonora came to find me sitting outside getting air. and her gd fren was so super wasted, clinging onto the carpark gate as a gf would to a bf. and doing stupid things to poor edwin, but haha it looked quite funny. high entertainment value there. agreed with edwin that the two ladies were in no condition to go back on their own so he sent leo's friend back while i sent leo back.
had some time alone while i was at the table at phuture, did some light thinking (i know it sounds damn off but i was alone and bored so i just thought) and well some things came to light though i was never really aware of them.
the depression stage, the bitterness stage, the jealousy stage are all over and done with. been there, done all that, so i'm just gonna leave it there to rot and not bother with them anymore. life goes on, as everyone has been telling me.
friends are worthy of our love, sometimes more so than our partners (other than husbands/wives) so i guess for what it's worth, whatever love i have left inside of me and whatever love can grow within myself, i'm gonna dedicate it to my friends.
friends that have been there for me right from the start, at the midway points, even at the end. every stage was crucial for that's how fragile it really was. i know it's normal human nature for all of us to enjoy being appreciated and it also feels just as good dishing out the appreciation as receiving it. nonetheless, enjoyment aside, my appreciation is sincere.
- min, clem, des, kim, andrea, michelle, leonora, lorenzo, lumpy, emman, hans, samantha, another samantha, tanya, guan, alena, alicia, liongkoon, weijian, vish and any others that i may not have listed here because i have a horrible memory of late due to alcoholism and my decadent lifestyle.
you've all helped me in one way or another thru all the hard shit for the past month or so and i just wanna say thanks, i appreciate every bit of it.
i've said it many many times before and i'm still going to say it again. friends are hard to come by. loyal, solid ones who'll stick by your side are even harder. i guess it was a blessing in disguise to have my previous relationship ended, so that i may realise the true value of quality friendships. maybe it's just a temporal phase, maybe it's a permanent fixture, i don't care. whichever it may be, i'm still enjoying every bit of it because it feels much better than i have in a long long time. and i will go on enjoying it until i can find any greater happiness in life.

past

2004-10-15T01:15:00.000+08:00

back from a chillout and talk cock session with clem, des and sam at wala. not too bad, nice way to spend the night, trying to drink more harmful drinks and smoke more harmful sticks to get my throat really really bad so i can report sick sometime soon and get a nice mc again haha..

something was said during the conversations that i think is worth offering an opinion.
heard frm several people from all places, like everywhere, that bad word is being spread about me. by who, i shall not disclose. but i have this to say.
i fear nothing from my friends for they should have passed judgement on me right from the start, and if they don't judge, even better. for others who want to judge, well i have a clear-conscience.
i will not say that i am perfect or that i had been perfect, and i have indeed made numerous mistakes in life, just as i'm sure everyone else has. but things that aren't true, well if you choose to believe it then go right ahead because it would also reveal your own personality.
things may be said about past events, past occurrences that were simply plain bad. but people can change, and people do change. judging a person's character based on word of mouth is as good as looking at last season's champions and throwing all your savings on them in the first game of the new season. why? because the first judgement would form the first impression, just as your first penny made you the fortune that you are now throwing to bet.
as i've said before, stop living in the past, and basing everything you think or see from events that happened in the past.
i'm not saying that i've changed to become perfect now. no, not at all. but when you here of how fucked-up someone was before in the past and his/her flaws, people naturally go "oh my really? wow what a horrible person" and there, the first impression is made. why not, for a moment, just consider that if he/her had made those mistakes in the past before, he/she has learnt the lesson the hard way and will ensure that it doesn't happen again.? think about it. i know history tends to repeat itself, but that doesn't apply to all events.
and i would like to think that it no longer happens to me. take note: i say no longer because it used to but i'm not letting it now.

simplicity

2004-10-14T15:07:00.000+08:00

past couple of days have been rather enjoyable. enjoyable in its own simplicity. that there aren't any deep thoughts to bother me, no memories to linger on to hold back my happiness, and of course the fact that i've got mc for wed and thurs haha.
so let's see.

tuesday: had half day of work at camp coz all my bosses went for some seminar and the whole office block was practically empty at 2pm. so my fellow clerk and i, being the proactive and initiative people that we are, self declared half day off and went home on our own. =) came home to hang around for a bit then met andrea in town to help her pick her clothes for some office presentation thing on thurs. i tell you, girls should never ever wait till last minute to do shopping for any event/occasion. it is pure hell. haha. but nonetheless we managed to find something quite suitable for her at wisma at not too costly a price so it's good.
andrea: hope the outfit was suitable, then at least i know i have somewhat of a fashion sense haha. went on to work at egames till late after that, met up with tanya at the "dark unlit park at witching hours", as she so politically put it. talked about the utilitarian aspect of friendships, and some other mundane stuff. but it's good. much better than my usual routine of sitting outside 7-11 talking to the cashier and fagging away after i get back from work.

wednesday: decided not to go to work because i was too freaking tired, so called my boss to tell him i'm taking MC. just had to help him finish up the report and send it to him over email then it'd be no problem. so wouldn't it make sense then that i could easily just work from home and not go to camp every morning so tediously since i'm his personal assistant and we both have email access all the time? i could just do all his work from home and send it over and it'd be so much better! ah well, ideas that only give me hope but will never happen. got up at 10 plus to go see the doc at holland v, then my other officers and clerk called me up for lunch. ended up having a big meal at crystal jade at hv. they all came over to my place for ice cream and a general discussion on mahjong tactics, but alas we had no time to play coz they had to go back to the office.
went out at 4 plus to meet kim in town, accompany her for some quick shopping, walked around a whole lot and in the end, we walked until centrepoint from wisma, then turned back to wisma cos she wanted the top from fcuk at wisma haha. my poor degenerating legs. =( bought her the tube top she liked, and damn, she looked hot in it!! haha i sound like a perv. just hope it can keep her happy for some time during her retarded company audit haha. stressful, i can tell.
met zo and emman for some cs-ing at egames then went over to zo's place to slack around before picking up his friends and chionging down to zouk in his little lancer family car. hahaha. had a good time there, music wasn't too bad and the company was just fab. drank loads of beer with ben and zo, smoked a total of 12 sticks so i think i'm dying soon haha. gonna end up like that sick picture on the top of those marlboro boxes haha. had light dancing then chilled out at winebar coz phuture was getting too squeezy. had some fun playing sam's new bf in front of her ex who is still trying to control her, which i feel, is total CRAP. i dunno, get a kick out of pissing shitheads off lately. =) had supper with a rather large grp: sam, andrea, panda, boon, ben, clem, dennis, zo. no prizes for guessing where we had it: btk again. went back to zo's place then grabbed clem's bike and we went on an expedition to do some illegal stuff but i shall not disclose it here for fear of getting arrested haha. got home around 530 then konked on my bed at 6.

today: plans are in motion to go down to town to get new badminton shoes later on and hopefully meet up with some people for coffee or something. supposed to tidy up my room and all coz it's in a really messy state but oh well, i am a professional procrastinator. haha.

feeling really good lately, meeting up with people i haven't really met in some time and enjoying simple company. even coffee and talking crap is great nowadays. simplicity in itself is quite satisfying, so i've learned.

and it's even better that i just had woodfire pizza for lunch!! now all i need is rain to fall so i can take a wonderfully comfy afternoon nap.

aha!

2004-10-12T21:21:00.000+08:00

i'm tired, i really am. getting very little sleep the past couple days. chionged on friday, worked on sat and sun, had family party till late on mon and here i am working on tues. i get a measly amount of sleep and i really don't know how i manage to get by. i need sleep, but i'm not getting it =(

was actually prescribed with 2 weeks of medical leave by my shrink coz of my current state, but i choose not to use it because i really don't want to end up stoning at home alone all day long and start having my mind think depressing thoughts again. so i'm not gonna use the 2weeks of mc. i think most fellow nsfs would have my head for not using that mc. either that or they'd prob try to buy it from me. and what's more, my shrink says i can get mc from him if i really don't feel up to going to work. so basically, i have medical leave of indefinite duration which i am not using. haha. i don't even believe myself.
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http://www.ebay.com.sg/viItem?ItemId=4329478289

got that link from samantha, thanks, credit goes to you. now go take a look at be freaked out. i could really think of many many other things that i could do with that amount of money *ponders*
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i have come to a decision to help myself.
due to a somewhat popular demand for me to stop smoking my lungs to tar, i have decided to listen to some advice, but not entirely.
instead of smoking menthol, i shall switch to menthol lights. but the effect would be less which means i may just end up smoking more often and more sticks at a time. so it's probably gonna have the same result anyhow. haha.
but to those who've been telling me to stop, whether old or new friends, thanks all the same. this thing called care is something i don't really get much nowadays so it's pretty appreciated when i do get it.

out: menthol.
in: menthol lights.

i guess it would help also, should i ever end up getting attached to someone new and she doesn't like smoking. it'd be easier to kick the habit with lights i guess, so the benefit there is twofold.

unfortunately, they don't make tiger beer light, so i can't really help that part. i'll just stick to tiger and heineken really. but hey, at least i've been laying off the hard liquor for some time. that's gotta be a good thing. actually it's just because i was broke so i couldn't afford hard stuff. but i just got pay! and so, friday night is gonna be hard liquor night for me!

friends are made of smirnoff, or something like that..
came from a shirt lumpy wore some time back, kinda makes sense to me now haha.

huffhuffpuffpuff

2004-10-11T23:53:00.000+08:00

in response to lumpy's bitching abt my smoking at his blog, i have decided that the next time i go club with him i will fag 2 sticks at a time and blow twice the amount of smoke in his face as i did last friday. just to irritate him and see that stupid mimicking action of pushing the smoke away from his face haha.
and speaking of which, i realised that i need to save money for my trips coming up, but i'm still clubbing like nobody's business? sigh, no choice, need distractions to occupy my time so my mind can't roam freely with depressing thoughts.
but you're all welcome to kindly donate to the help-will-get-cash-for-holidays fund. i accept all sorts of payment: cash, credit, debit, paypal, even bank draft!
distractions, distractions.. i need more of them.. sigh..

plethora

2004-10-11T22:47:00.000+08:00

just finished a nice extended family reunion kind of dinner buffet hosted at my place, had quite some fun catching up with all my cousins and nieces and playing xbox and mahjong with them among the gossip and talk.. or at least they all one by one decided to ask me "where's your gf?" and i had to break the news. i tried to maintain an indifferent face to it, but i guess i failed coz they all ended up saying "oops sorry, lets not talk abt that now then". =|
and i'm not pleased with my parents! i told them i'm getting really really fat and chubby and tell them to stop feeding me so much food, and first thing they do is cater a full buffet for dinner with all my favorite dishes, which rather happens to be the entire family's fav foods, like laksa, rojak, satay, chix rice and all that sinful crap. as a result, my tummy now looks similar to the hump you commonly see on the roads, only without the yellow stripes.

had a session with my shrink earlier this afternoon as well, clarified some stuff and gained some new insights and perspectives on things. i guess i'm just coming to terms with the reality of not having her around anymore, and that's why it kind of hurts badly. time heals all wounds, i say once again. but the discouraging bit is where my shrink says for my sort of character who is extremely sentimental (and i don't deny that, it's quite true if you know me well enough), i'll probably take longer than normal to get through this rough patch, ranging from about 3 to 6 months instead of the regular 1 to 2 months.
oh well, i take this with a pinch of salt and a smile on my face, i know i can do it since the choice isn't mine anymore. in fact, it never was my choice to begin with. i thought drastic measures aren't good, but my shrink tells me not to shy from doing anything that i think will help my mental and emotional state, so drastic measures i shall adopt, in time to come. to further assist me, i have been prescribed 1000mg prozac tabs to take everyday, up from the current alternate day dosage. sigh.

anyway enough of those depressing thoughts for now.. kind of looking forward to my overseas trips coming up! 4 trips in 2 months! now who would believe i'm in NS? haha.. going up to hk with my fellow clerks and an officer, then to thailand with some good friends, then to nz with my family, then back to hk again for the annual family reunion. my greatest dilemma now is planning my financial expenditure since my parents have clearly indicated they will not be funding my own vacations. damn it, haha.
---------------

Like anything, the theory of love can be learned. You can learn to recognize it, even understand it, by reading descriptions in books, watching films or hearing the love stories of other people. But you cannot learn love only by studying the theory. Like driving, you have to do it - Know it, feel it and ultimately experience it. And then you can truly give it. So lift your head and see the beauty and love in the world around you. Then do it. Love is not hard to find. Love is hard to give. You cannot dictate the terms on which love is given. You can only be grateful for it.

Free will is a treasure. How well you exercise it will reflect on how much you love yourself.

Before you jump into a relationship with both feet, wait until the other person is well and truly over their past relationship. If they are still in the wash-up mode of disentanglement, it's better to hang back. It can be turbulent in the wake of another ship's departure. Best to wait until the waters are calm once again.

just a couple of thoughts alicia was nice enough to dig up for me to cheer me up.. i guess these may just be quotes but such things now hold a certain inherent meaning to me. thanks licia, real sweet of you =) appreciate it.
---------------
starting to smile more nowadays and able to go longer hours without thinking about past events and reflecting on it all the time which really gets me very down. shrink says i have to get out more, and avoid being alone coz that will cause instability when one's mind can roam freely, unchecked.
thanks to all my great friends, i've been doing not too bad throughout this period, and i hope it will go on and improve. thanks to everyone who's been there for me, at one point or another, for hearing me out and hanging out with me. without all you people, i wouldn't have been able to come through so far, and i'm sorry, but it's not over yet. so i'm gonna continue bugging all of you for a long long time to come =)

idiot me

2004-10-09T10:32:00.000+08:00

i am an idiot.
IDIOT.

i left my provisional driving license in my berms and threw it into the washing machine. so what happens when a thin pathetic piece of paper goes into the wash?

disintegration occurs. to my pdl. damn fick.

so i have to go all the bloody hell way down to ubi to replace it. what the bloody idiot am i doing. argh.

anyway, these are quotes that define my mindset for this moment. i woke up still feeling good, as i was last night when i posted the previous entry. pray, stay this way i tell myself.

live and let live.

time will heal all wounds.

i feel good. slightly hungover i don't know why because i didn't really drink a lot last night, maybe it was the massive smoking that is becoming chain now. oh well. no harm in being a chain smoker i guess (haha who am i kidding).

and i would like to reiterate again that i am feeling so happy and light! free! burden-less! ah! the feeling of freedom and lack of stress simply lightens any day now compared to any a week ago.

relief

2004-10-09T03:40:00.000+08:00

just got back from some light partying at zouk, pretty much the most relaxed night i've had so far in the past couple weeks ever since things turned bad for me. why? read on.
--------
went over to xinyi's place earlier, to help her fix her computerS (laptop and desktop) and take all my stuff back from her place, like clothes etc.
at first, i thought it would be a big mistake. i was worried it would turn out to be an awful night, but i felt that well, to be honest not everyone is tech-geeky like me so i offered my help to her, despite things being the way they were.
but in the end, it turned out great, to me at least, because a great burden was lifted from my shoulders. really great burden, feels much better now that there was actually some sort of closure that took place at her place.
and here, i will sort out and clarify some things that concerned her. she suggested this, and i think that in all fairness it does no harm to me whatsoever so just as a platonic friend now, i should oblige her request.

thus, i would like to make to known clearly that :
a) she did not dump me, neither did i dump her.
b) we broke up rather mutually, though it was an on-and-off thing.
c) she did not two-time me, unlike bastardly me did before which i am not proud of.
d) when she found someone new to fill the place in her heart, we were factually separated so there was nothing politically wrong with that.
e) i got bitter, because, in truth i still had feelings for her, and i may still do now. but it diminishes by the day and i have no other way to hasten this process.

so should there be any misinterpretations by any readers, this should clarify matters in a clearer manner, or so i hope. this is probably the best i can do.

we had a rather nice talk about things and well, i can say that i'm really happy and pleased with the way things ended up. the closure i had sought for so long had finally come and i have accepted it with no regrets.

i guess that's a part of my history now and a phase in life has gone by in these past 2 years, and there really is no point in getting all bitter about it. many have advised me this, but it was hard to accept without personally experiencing it. some of you should understand what i mean.

and with this, i have decided to close this chapter of my life, committing the good times to memory, and the bad ones to the trash can. bitter, anger and hatred does no good for anyone or anything, but they are all emotions that come out now and then when things don't go the way we prefer. i cannot deny that i have a temper at times and it showed when i was getting bitter about this whole issue. but it's over now and i'm taking time to come to terms with it. time heals all wounds, i guess it's pretty true. it's been merely 2 wks or so since the bomb dropped on me, but some feelings linger on and they may for i don't know how long, but i'm really happy that things have changed for the better, that she can be happy with ben and we can still remain friends, even if i was only her computer mechanic. we started off as friends, and there's no reason to end it anything less.

i guess it was just not meant to be, in retrospect, but having shared a friendly wholehearted hug, i guess that's where my solace arrived. tears nearly dripped as i held her close, but i knew it was in a much different capacity, thus i held the tears back. i would sincerely like to thank her for that as well, to allow a closure in this aspect, that i may go on living with a lessened burden in my heart. and so i illustrate, that a simple hug can indeed go a long, long way.

so, xinyi, my apologies for the bitterness, we spoke about this earlier this evening, i hope you will accept the somewhat public apology. and i can only wish you all the best with ben. i only ask that u bear in mind the one request i made of you. =) thanks.
--------------
lesson learnt is that it pays to be a gentleman sometimes, to simply tolerate anything and slowly bring down the tempo or temper. and to offer help, even when not requested.
even at clubbing, when i try to shield off unruly guys from intruding into all our friends. not that i'm trying to blow my own trumpet here, but appreciation comes in little ways that simply perk up one's morale and mood, as subtle as it may be.
or when talking to your ex, without bitterness, sarcasm or contempt.

had a long day today, need more rest for late night working tmr at egames again. sigh. but my relief has come finally, and i feel much lighter and free-er than i ever have before in the past weeks.

i make no promises, for fear of breaking them. this mentality i envision now may not be permanent, it may only be temporary, for should i think of xinyi again and feelings are still in existence, i cannot say what my mindset would become. but i would hope this is a permanent setting.
for it truly makes me feel free and relieved, allowing me to go on with life as normally as i possibly can.

creative piracy?

2004-10-05T23:32:00.000+08:00

hmmm, would saying Creativity Kills Piracy be right as well? as the inverse of this statement?

or how about Creative Piracy? like we still take the copyrighted stuff but in a creative manner, so that doesn't hinder our creativity. is that then legal?

oh well. i am still an avid supporter of Piracy!

terminology

2004-10-05T14:40:00.000+08:00

hmmm i noticed xinyi has been reading this and tagging some stuff, probably to do with the fact that she's worried about her reputation getting tarnished, so i think some clarifications have to be done here.
what she tagged here and posted up on her own blog about me dumping her is theoretically correct, but i would say it's a wrong term used.
i did break up with her because hard times were dragging on, for a good 2 months and things between us haven't exactly been smooth-flowing for nearly half a year. confided in several close friends who dished out caring advice to me, which struck several chords in me. thus i came to a conclusion that if things were to work out well again for me and her, time apart would be necessary. i had tried it suggesting it before, but it wasn't well received at all and it actually generated a reverse reaction. so i went ahead to initiate a split, so that we could both have time to ourselves. i didn't know what she did with that time, but apparently now i do; to find herself someone new. but i was busy having fun with guy friends and trying to clear my mind of any thoughts of her, intention being that once i was clear-headed, i would sit down and reflect, to consider what actions to be taken subsequently.
most unfortunately, by the time i had thought about it all and come to a decision to tell her i wish to let us try again, she had moved on. mind you, for those that don't already know, it was a difference of 4 days. i have records of messages with date stamps to prove it, because they still exist in my phone as well as in my mind, and till this day i still read them every fucking night before turning in. probably isn't the smartest thing for me to do but oh well, emotions are hard to control. maybe i'll post them up sometime if there is a need in future.
so to say that i dumped her would be politically incorrect. not that i particularly give a damn about terminology, but in this case i think it would be more accurate to have it reversed the other way.
dumping someone, to me, means leaving person A in order to be with person B. i don't know about the rest of you but that's my definition of dumping. anything short of that, like what i did, was a break-up, a split, albeit not very mutual.
technically she didn't do anything wrong either, because we were indeed separated when she moved on to ben, and i'm not going to say that she dumped me. my only comment is that 4 days is a very short time, and for emotions to fluctuate from one end to the total opposite other, well, that's nothing short of shocking to me.
i know what dumping is because i had committed that very sin before 2 years ago and i know what it feels like now because i'm on the receiving end. i now know i have hurt many others and one in particular, to a great extent, thanks to my pure stupidity in decision-making.
andrea: i'm sorry for my stupidity and for hurting you so badly.

choice of how to label this whole scenario, whether i dumped xinyi or not is yours, not that i really give a damn anyway because like i said, it's purely terminology. but what i will not do is stand back and watch someone other tear my life apart, by emotions, conscience and inaccurate judgements.
in any case, it is nothing new that males are always at fault whenever a relationship doesn't work out. it is a reactive mindset that society stereotypes sadly, biased against males.
go ahead and judge me, those who wish to. my conscience is clear, i've nothing to fear except fear itself, of which i have none for judgements against me.
-----------

Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd once never been
All the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say

Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
At least not today

right.
fuck you, i say.
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half day off today!! wooohooo!! time for more depression treatment!! tiger beer!!!

mumbo jumbo

2004-10-04T19:52:00.000+08:00

realised my recent entries are much longer than previous ones. haha. funny how it is that we have more to write when depression sets in. this is gonna be a long one too, and disorganised at that. thoughts in my mind swirling around at random.

spoke to xinyi last night, wanted to send my apologies for the bad times in the past, and thanks for good times. but it wasn't well received, so naturally i got very worked up. this isn't the effort i would really go lengths to put in, never thought i ever would but i'm at the stage of life where such things now matter. but it doesn't matter to her obviously. she's just downright happy with her ben. made some mean and evil remarks and spat out some threats, but oh well that's me for you. any of my closer friends that known me for some time would know i'm a rash and i work on impulse. in fact, i thrive on impulse. probably won't carry out those threats anyway since they were said out of complete anger, but believe me, at the moment that i said them, i meant them, meant them more than anythin before. but then again, should i see them on the streets, there's no saying i wouldn't smash her face in. i say her, because ben prob did nothing wrong; the fault would lie with her since she's the one with the choice. just like me, 2 years ago. the choice was mine and i shoulder all the blame. like i said, i'm rash and impulsive, so there's never any premeditation or premonition of what's to come.

hell hath no fury as a woman scorn? well, i prefer hell hath no fury like a william scorn. it's sad, it's lame, but it's goddamned true.

realised that it's much easier to get by with hate than with soft feelings. so i have decided that i will adopt the hate option. to bitrerly hate her for things that have come to pass and hopefully i will get out of this nonsense that much sooner. it seriously sucks to go to work each day and not be able to do more than stone at the computer screen, which results in officer remarking i've become slack lately. not good at all. so there, my decision : bitterest hate shall be my friend in this period of grieving, and constrained to only two people. or actually i think one only. the other - he holds no blame for these happenings.

advice i get from friends have great disparity. some say i should just shrug it all off and get a grip on my singlehood and be happy. others suggest that getting attached asap is good because it lessens the pain and i have someone new to devote my attention too. i really don't know which is the better option, the lesser of two evils maybe. in any case, it's not like if i want to find someone new, she will just drop out of the sky and say i'm here, let's go. i'm not who i used to be before, full of confidence, sometimes too full, with a certain sense of how to court ladies in my eyes. no, that william has come and gone, he has passed. updated version has greater cycnicism, skepticism and a life-is-just-a-screwed-up-bitch attitude. but in any case, thanks to those who've been around to hear my rampant ravings and depressing spurts.

certain decisions i begin to regret now as well, many of which are linked to her in one way or another and now that things have become this way, i can't help but to think back and regret. shouldn't have found my way out of commandos because i wanted to spend more time with her, stupid move. shouldn't have just taken up a night study course just to get stay out status in my previous combat unit where stayout status was a rare priviledge limited to no more than 10 in the whole camp. shouldn't have flunked the course because i decided to not study since i had already got my stay out to stay with her. that was a 12 thousand dollar stay out permit. expensive, and i still haven't heard the end of it from my dad. hong kong? that's a good memory, but i told myself before that i would only bring the person i want to marry back to my second homeland. now the virginity of hongkong is broken and gone for good. diamonds? same. only for the one i would marry. yet another virginity broken there.
regrets, regrets. life is full of regrets and regretting more each day. sigh.

but hopefully, with this dedicated most bitter hate channelled to wash out saddening thoughts from my mind and soul, i will see brighter days ahead.

apologies

2004-10-03T23:20:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling quite depressed now so i think this will be a depressing entry. but i'm also feeling very sincere now because of some hovering confessions i made to someone earlier on. thus it will be a sincere entry as well.

never really realised how much influence single decisions can have on people, much less those made before.
never thought that the past could really haunt one for such a long time, dragged on into the reality of the present and possibly even the future.
and now that i know all this, i feel horrible.
horrible, because of the mistakes i have made in the past before, hurting my close and loved ones when i shouldn't have.
horrible, because of the things that shouldn't have gone wrong but did because i wasn't strong enough to stop them from happening.
horrible, because of the poor decisions i had made in the past which in turn came to affect the lives of those around me.
horrible, because i was not the person i could have been, and i still am not the person i can be.
and horrible, because i don't think i will ever be able to become the person that i can potentially be.
potential is only potential, so long as it is not realised.
wasted potential is no longer potential, for it is purely garbage that has been flushed down the drain with no value whatsoever.

i am wasted potential. i used to have potential, but in the past 20 years of life, with the things that have gone by and been done, i have let down so many people i dare not count. i have hurt so many other close ones around me, family, friends, relationship partners, even acquaintances.

i tend to think that God made a mistake in this imbecile of a creation : me. either that or i was meant to 'balance' out a positivity in this world. you know how its like with the chinese yin/yang? with either side existing to balance out the other. so there's probably someone supremely nice out there who has realised all his/her potential and even exceeded it. and i am here on this world to balance that being's existence, to bring the world into balance.
i would like to term it as : i am here to bring balance to the world , kind of like how anakin skywalker brought balance to the Force in Star Wars. but i am not half as noble as he is, so that would just be inappropriate again.

to sum up, i want to express my heartfelt apologies to all that have crossed my path and ended up losing out from it.
for my family, my friends, my previous relationship partners, acquaintances : i'm truly, sincerely sorry in every little bit and way that's possible, but nobody is perfect and i would be the least perfect person on the face of this earth.
i would like to list out the names and personal apologies here but it would undoubtedly offend some to have their names published here so i would rather do without more trouble caused by me myself and i.

it's a cycle

2004-10-02T13:37:00.000+08:00

it's a cycle, i know it is. depression.
it's a damn cycle.
was feeling so up and all yesterday at mahjong and all, and this morning, well, let's just say i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. damn it.
i really need more laughter, i think laughter is extremely therapeutic. i haven't felt as at ease as i was last night during mahjong with the 3 stooges.
i regret my past decision, to decide to become a fat lazy bastard. i thought life with her would go on and things would never change in that aspect, so there was never a need for me to bother about my appearance. thus i stopped exercising regularly and ate like a goddamned pig. but now, things have indeed changed and i'm left here while she's probably off gallavanting someplace with her new bf happily, enjoying herself. me, on the other hand, have no one to occupy that aspect of my life. so now i'm a fat slob with loads of blub and at this rate i think i'll never get attached haha. but then again, not that i want to anyway.
i've pretty much lost all faith. in love, not in friends. faith in friends is still strong because all of them are pulling me through now, lest i wouldn't be here right this moment. but faith in love; well, both those terms no longer hold any meaning for me.
it's funny how we learn only after things have taken place, when we learn the hard way, by experiences. thinking back, i've come to realise i've been a pretty horrible bf to my ex-es and i do regret to a certain extent. but i guess that's just how life is, how we learn through personal experiences and memories keep us from repeating them. since i'm already so jaded about the fucking lie called love, i shall abstain from anything of that sort and not delve into those "promised lands" which can undoubtedly only bring greater harm in the end.
was so determined to go overseas for further studies all along. planned and applied and got accepted to monash in melbourne, but having my second thoughts now. i don't know if i'll be able to handle it now, especially with my shrink commenting that it will probably take about 6-9 months for me to get over this phase due to the level of commitment and depth of relationship in the past. and if i go overseas on my own in june, which is barely 9 months away, i wonder if i'll be able to handle everything in perspective, even studying. not saying that i'm a pushover, but i really don't want to waste any more of my parents money and if i end up going over unable to settle down due to thoughts still in my head and all, i would just end up fucking up my work and probably become a fulltime drug peddler and such. so now i'm seriously considering staying here for university instead, and if my life is able to stabilise in the future, then i'll consider overseas again next time. it's all about stability, the lack of which would simply cause me to crash and burn in ultimate devastation.
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anyone up to join me? i'm having tiger beer and absolut vodka for breakfast right now. thanks to lorenzo for bringing the vodka over for me. i need it. alcoholics anonymous, here i come.
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retarded pics from mahjong last night..

lorenzo - take note of the tiles, look carefully.. haha

desmond

clement

clement again - look at his tiles again too haha idiots..

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i need more of these. laughter sessions. i need. please, give it to me.

laughter

2004-10-02T03:57:00.000+08:00

had a short day at work today, did mundane stuff in the morning then a short training in the aft.. didn't feel like going clubbing tonight, because i'm broke as hell and partly also because i'm tired as hell. been living on few hours of sleep lately, face breaking out in complete pimples and all.. oh well. who gives a shit anyway, not like anybody would be interested in me anyhow.
spoke to my psychiatrist today, he says i'm in pretty bad condition, mental state quite bad *sigh* gotta up the frequency of sessions. currently its about once a month, he says for my current condition, it's better to do it at least once a week, or even twice if possible. *sigh* feel really bad because it's not cheap, each session costing 300 bucks on my dad's wallet. and with this increase in frequency, health expenditure on me is gonna skyrocket. wonder how i'm ever going to pay them back. told them i don't think i need it that often, but being my parents and taking the advice from the professional, they agree with my shrink and made appointments twice for next week *sigh* i really hope it will work to help me through this rough patch or a couple thousand bucks are gonna end up in a drain...
clem, des and zo came over to mahjong earlier this evening, played for a good 6 hours till we were all hungry so we went out for supper at al azhar.. just got back and my tummy is filled with chicken murtabak :) lorenzo is sucha big dickhead that he keeps cracking jokes and makes us all fucking laugh like mad men, or at least i did, maybe because i've been missing out on such laughter sessions for quite a long time. can't go 5 minutes without him making stupid moves on the mahjong table or offering retarded comments that make us all break out in fits of laughter. ended up on the floor bent over laughing my ass off a few times.. i would probably have been able to enjoy it even more if there weren't things at the back of my mind like a burden, but they were there all the while, still is.. *sigh* anyway now i think i know why laughter is the best medicine.. during the 6 hours, managed to keep myself occupied and free-from-thought of unpleasant things.
only at such times do i really understand and fully appreciate the true value of tight friendships.. they were all nice enough to come over just to accompany me coz i was saying that if i were left alone my thoughts would wander and things would get very ugly and bad.. so they agreed amongst themselves to come over to my place to mahjong with me and keep my spirits up, or at least not down. and they managed to achieve that. once this whole phase of my life is over i must buy them a meal to say my thanks. and this entry is proof to that promise.
sigh, now the next concern, to figure out how i'm going to get to sleep, not bed, without drenching my pillow in tears.. it's been like that for nearly a week now and it really sucks having to air my pillow every morning and waking up to puffy eyes. *sigh*
to the friends who actually do read this, each and every one of you, for any and all the help and support you've offered to me in one way or another, i really appreciate it though sometimes i may overlook the expression of thanks. i thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart, all of you. God has blessed me richly with your friendships and i praise him for that.

it's over

2004-09-30T20:36:00.000+08:00

It starts with
One thing, I dont know why
It doesnt even mather how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down till the end of the day
Clock ticks life away
Its so unreal
You didnt look out below,
Watch the time go right out the window
Tryn to hold on
Didnt even know, I wasted it all
Just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What its meant to be
Will, eventually be,
A memory of a time,
When I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesnt even matter...
I had to fall, to loose it all...
But in the end, it doesnt even matter...

One thing, I dont know why
It doesnt even mather how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To remind myself
How I tried so hard...
Dispite the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
Im surprised it got so far
Things arent the way they were before
You wouldnt even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end...

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to be, will
Eventually, be a memory of a time
When I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesnt even matter
I had to fall, to loose it all
But in the end, it doesnt even matter

Ive put my trust in you
Pushed as far, as I can go
For all this
Theres only one thing you should know

Ive put my trust, in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
Theres only one thing you should know...
I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesnt even matter
I had to fall, to lose it all,
But in the end, it doesnt even matter

blah

2004-09-30T09:36:00.000+08:00

it's at times like these that friends start to be cherished, that good friends are cherished even more. my life has been in shambles for a long time, but it still held a certain meaning and there was a general direction to move ahead in. but not so anymore. people tell me i should find a new meaning for life, and from there a new direction will be derived. but i really can't get my mind off present concerns, they're far too fresh.
everywhere i go, everyday, other than going to camp, i worry about bumping into her. i wonder what it will be like, how i will feel, how i will react. i may break down there and then, or i may want to kill; i just don't know. i can't go anywhere public without worrying about what would happen should i bump into her, what would i do.
drastic concerns call for drastic measures. i really don't want to resort to extreme methods, but it really seems like i've no choice with this. i've tried other methods of discouraging myself from even contemplating the likelihood of redemption for me and her, like staring at the lifelong scar on my forearm, and trying to think of the bad times. but instead of causing dislike, it makes me feel worse for hurting her before and i end up craving to be with her again, to undo past mistakes and rebuild the happiness. but i know it's not to be, i've used up my final attempt at lunch yesterday and it was a massive failure.
i recall one of my dad's friends, who's about 50 now but still not attached or married. story was that during his university days, he dated this girl for 3 years or so, and he was already preparing to propose marriage when she ditched him for another guy. he was subsequently so heartbroken that he had never been able to get over it, nor move on. he could never trust love again because of the hurt it had done to him and he didn't want to risk that suffering and pain again.
that is seriously a bad case of feeling damn jaded, i just hope i don't end up like him because of this. at the moment, it is how i feel, i only hope it won't last. if it does, i'm just damn sad.
i think the people making prozac should come up with something more powerful. i've been taking it more frequently these few days but it doesn't seem to be working at all. i wonder if i could sue them for ineffective treatment. at least then i'd have a temporary direction to move in, as retarded as it may seem.

phases

2004-09-29T16:58:00.000+08:00

another phase of my life has taken a turn, for the better or worse, i do not know yet. but it is one that has great effect on my direct mental stability. one of those sensitive and touch-and-go kind of issues. those of you who know what i'm talking about, you should understand; others who don't, forget it.
i thought the next major phase of my life was in fact my ORD from NS, but it was not to be. something had to change majorly, and it just did. so there, a total shocker, bomb dropping and it changed, just like that. within the blink of any eye, some may say. shocking, but nonetheless, depressing.
depression is a state of mental health, and as a result of this state, the person in question tends to suffer from detrimental effects in every aspect, social, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and whatever else there is. i'm quite familiar with depression really, maybe its just a lack-of-stability issue. i don't know, i thought i used to have it, right here by my side, but it's gone and with it, my stable self as well.

i wonder, should we all keep lifelong diaries, where we pen down each and every thing that happens, the decisions that we make each day, as mundane as it may be? do each and every little action we take have a subsequent consequence which ought to be taken note of but we often don't?
that's what i'm thinking about. people often adopt the quote "don't let history repeat itself" or "history always repeats itself". could this be the cause? because even though we have gone thru it before first-hand, when it comes round a second time, we may not certainly handle it the right way around, but rather we may screw it up just as we did the first time. why is this? human nature? gotta ask a sociologist. but think, what if we all did keep a lifelong diary/journal to keep track of things we did that ended up in dire circumstances, and happiness? would we then be able to rationally decipher through all the mixed up emotions at play, mental vs emotional war and in the end, press through with the right decision? i don't know. there is a reason why history tends to repeat itself.

now that this phase of life has passed, a certain part of me is hoping that some of that history would repeat itself, while other parts do not. i guess that's just normal because we all have a natural direction to seek perfection. but we all know there exists no perfection, at least literally. so how would one prioritize whether the wanted-history is worth more effort, or whether it isn't? and whether the unwanted-history is enough to discourage, or whether it is negligible?

i'm so lost, in everything. i no longer know what meaning life holds for me.
i know i'm stronger than i seem, we all are. but knowing and doing are different things.
the thing is, now, i no longer know. i don't know, really. in short, i know nothing.

retribution

2004-09-28T15:21:00.000+08:00

retribution - again. but this time, it's mine.
things between mind and heart are at conflict, and yet to be resolved on the inside, but externally, i don't have a choice to exert any influence over. the choice has been made, without any relevance to me and i can't do anything to change it.
oh well, time has come to suck thumb and sit down and be a good boy ... leave it all alone for once and let it be.. maybe take some more smokes too haha..
i say this is retribution because i did this to someone before, and back then i was simply ignorant as to how it felt on the receiving end. as far as i was enjoying myself, everything else doesn't matter. now, God is being fair and giving me a taste of the same treatment i dished out in the past. now i know what it feels like, and u can bet your whole ass that i wouldn't do it again. ever. it feels worse than anything that can be described. can't concentrate at work, can't concentrate at home, can't do anything pretty much except think about it. which isn't a good thing.
pressing times have called for drastic measures, albeit only for a short term. but only then will i be able to pull through this trough in life's numerous cycles of ups and downs.
what goes around, comes around
to the friends who are there for me to help me through it all by listening to my incessant nonsense, thanks loads. i really appreciate every bit of it. without all of you, i probably would be at IMH by now. to those who haven't, i would appreciate any help i can get, especially distractions that can take my mind of things =) thanks.
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to els: thanks for everything in the past 2 yrs, good memories are meant to be kept and cherished, not the bad ones. was bitter initially but i'm getting over it, so yeap, would be nice to just keep in touch at least. take care and best wishes to you both :) god bless

a sweet poem

2004-09-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

received an email from alicia who just went back to aust to continue her studies. was hanging out with her before she left; read below entries for more. was really happy with the poem =) really made my day.
licia: thanks loads, i had superb fun with u here too, i think u can tell by reading below entries =)

Love is never lost at all,
Although it hurts bad, you must stand tall;
Perhaps you feel so disrespected,
When things turned out worse than you expected;
So jaded by all this pain and tears,
But normally love instills these fears,
Still I want you to know one simple thing,
That, however broken, your heart will sing.
God made you not to hurt all day,
It may seem so but its His way,
To instill strength and courage of soul,
To give you choices as to where to go;
So think not much of the past,
If you do it will inevitably last,
Just know that I'm here for you anyway,
I'll try my best to brighten your day

licia: will be waiting for you to come back so we can hang out and drive illegally again.. miss ya heaps, girl

decadent me

2004-09-27T21:22:00.000+08:00

hmmm you probably would have notice the title of this blog has changed, i shall elaborate on that now.
was having safsa badminton training with the team, when some of us were just talking about life now and they were asking me how i'm coping with single life. so i just told them of how it's going with me now, nothing really of much value except probably meeting old friends for chats and making new ones, but i maintain that it's strictly a guys thing because i'm really not ready for any females to enter my life in a tighter, closer context, it's just not the time.
so then last friday we went to play cs at mechmaster the ah beng cs/pool hang out as a team and some friends rang me up wanting to play some cs as well. in the end, managed to convince lorenzo, lumpy and edwin to join with my guys to all have some fun together and dead fun it was. everyone agreed it was freaking fun since it's so rare to be able to get so many people together to play at one time.
so anyway, my teammates saw me smoking with zo outside before and after playing, which i think must be somewhat of a shock to them. so yea, today during training, was talking to william k and weeky when they asked what my life is like nowadays and started asking about my smoking habits. so then we talked and i was just telling them about how my life is now, booze, drugs, cigarettes and... well that's pretty much it nowadays, other than friends. and they were like, no sex?? haha, that was damn shocking for me to hear, but i said no, not ready and no mood for it, just wanna hang with guy pals. so we discussed the effects of too much smoking, drugging and boozing, saying beer makes you fat, smoke kills your lungs and drugs is just bad. but i know what i'm doing, not really getting hooked to anything other than cigs which i guess isn't that much of a harm.
so then, out of the blue, william k says "wah william you're really leading a decadent lifestyle." ooh, big word. but it made sense and it's pretty true, and kinda more or less portrays my life the way it is now.
so i have decided to stick with this title, till another time when i'm outta this phase of life then i'll think about changing it. but for the moment, though i'm dreadfully single and horribly corrupted, i'm enjoying myself thoroughly, which justifies everything in my current mindset. been through too much shit in past year, time to unload everything and it's just flushing itself out now, uncontrollably.
and now, i'm just looking forward to heading for the full moon party at koh phangan with boon and the guys.. wah 15 guys going to the biggest party in asia, how smashing is that..
just pls don't chide me for this decadence y'all, i need this. it's been overdue for more than a year so pardon me. i need my fun, need my life back.

shack

2004-09-26T04:57:00.000+08:00

it's been so freaking shacking lately, damn it. been having late nights, or rather early mornings..
after wed night's late late celebration, went back for training like a zombie on thurs. thankfully i had afternoon rest off, or i'd prob drop dead on the court during training *plop* met up with alicia n alena for drinks at cream bistro then rushed down to work at egames.
met up with them n cheng after work, came to pick me from cine which is pretty nice of them. went on a car trip all over singapore since alicia's leaving.. i took over the wheel for most of the trip, drove to lim chu kang, tuas, ntu, changi etc.. super shiok and shack. i think i'm becoming a bit of an illegal driving addict.. but its nice to drive nonetheless, very relaxing, no need to worry about transport.
by the time we got back to alicia's place, it was like 5 am then tried to sleep a bit but we were all too hyper so decided to grab a nice local breakfast at al ameen.
had pratas and dinosaurs so yummy.. i drove back to her place after that then got ready for her to leave for the airport. sigh. it's really quite sad to always see friends go..
spent fri at training too, then met up with zo, lumpy, edwin for some lan with my team mates as well. had a fricking good time, it's been a long long time since we've had a massive lan gaming session and it was fun as hell. visited clem at monster coz he was working, hit some balls with them and viggish joined us.. went for supper at boon tong kee again then dropped by winebar to pick up andrew n his gf. fucking lumpy n viggish sneaked off in a cab but oh well what the hell, decided to all just crash at my place and try to teach andrew some mahjong. and what do you know? andrew's gf's sis was in my jc too, and apparently she told her some gossipy crap abt me.. now i seriously feel damn misunderstood and all but oh well what the well. tried to teach andrew some mahjong but that was a serious failure, so went to eat cup noodles. took zo's car out for a spin, showed him around sunset then had a smoke break around, just talked about the past and stuff like that. really nice time. went back, andrew n anne (his gf) were plonked out on my bed haha.. poor sucker, thankfully zo took them home since they all stay together like one big happy family haha.
sat wasn't much, had training in the morning too, then slept at home till about 8pm. much needed catch up on sleep but oh shit i missed my driving lesson which was like at 3pm haha. met up with clem des hans boon at pastamania but poor des had to book in for ahm preparation which is just so sad haha i'm a sadist.. sat down n talked with hans for a bit to catch up on each other's lives, then headed down to winebar to watch some footy. pillioned on clem's wave, not too bad, really quite stable actually. shall do more of that, it's quite fun too haha. boon ivan zirong etc the whole gang joined us there, one big smoking alcoholic gang having a good time talking nonsense, no one really seemed to be watching ball anymore. sam also joined us coz clem called her down, had some interesting talk with her too but damn it i dont like to talk about school n studies coz i seriously am not frm njc thank you very much. ben came down too, nice fun. left early, abt 1+ since it was getting boring so we had supper at guess where ?? yes yes boon tong kee again.. 3rd time this week haha. i think they should give me like a membership discount pass or smthg like that haha. had a nice supper n emman joined us halfway to talk cock n all. went our separate ways after that coz sam had to study for exams (yea right) and emman headed to black for more drinks. took a cab back with ben while clem rode over, we all crashed out at my place. and here i am just woken up typing this.

all in all, i'm really quite enjoying myself nowadays, having so much damn fun though i get like a total of 2 hours sleep in 4 days ahaha. it's really been such a long time since i was last single and now i can recall the feeling of what it's like. not that i'm gonna shove away any thoughts of getting together, but it's a nice change, one that's pretty welcome in light of the way my life had been going the past 6 months. so yea thanks again to everyone who bummed with me. it's been cool. and i need to do more illegal driving. i'm addicted haha.

thank you

2004-09-23T14:32:00.000+08:00

birthday was on the 21st, and i'm finally freaking 20 years young. i used to laugh at others that they hit the big 2 and all, saying "oh now you're so old, you're gonna get wrinkly soon" .. and now, damn it it's my turn to say it to myself..
didn't really do much, had dinner with some people during the past week, kim n her friends, clem n des, and also my family at tony roma's.. i am a rib addict, but roma's is still one of the best i've ever had.
anyway, the crux of this entry to say thanks to all the people who made all this possible, the entire birthday week i had to celebrate it. it's kinda sad really, because i just realised that it's the last birthday i get to celebrate here with all my friends before i go off to aust. by the time i turn 21 next sept, i'll be all alone celebrating in some aussie pub eating nachos and drinking kilkennys and singing happy birthday to myself..
went down to winebar with clem to meet up with alena and her friends and she being so nice, got me a very interesting tshirt from topshop saying "support your local lap dancers". it's really pretty nice, and she got the right size too! (XL) not that it's really that hard to figure out my size ... =|
when the others (des & zo) got down we had dinner, the second one for me that night haha at the kopitiam across.. finally entered zouk at 1030 and had some nice fun. ordered loads of drinks, bottle of smirnoff and chivas and rounds and rounds of shots and martinis and flamings. my wallet is one sad bugger =( hans, emman, viggy and his gal pals came later on and wah it was so rockingly crowded there. it was supposed to be like a 10 person gathering, became like a 20+ people group with other friends seeing us and joining in. all in all i spent about 400 bucks which is a hell load of cash.. i can eat like 100 packs of chicken rice!!
oh well but it was worth it, i had a relatively good amount of fun and i'm pretty sure the others did as well, some at least. not too bad, made some new friends too, but they're good fun for such social events i guess.
last but definitely not least, my greatest thanks to alicia, without whom totally none of this would have been possible. thanks for all the arrangements, all the discounts, the guest lists and queue cutting. thanks so much, and to aunt esther too. lunch on me sometime soon =)
well, i just wanna say my thanks to all those that made this last birthday here possible, in one way or another.. thanks a lot, it's appreciated =)
but i gotta say this, it would have been much better if my brother jerome was here with us in person, then it'd really be complete male bonding there. but nonetheless, a toast to him in heaven, may the Lord bless him.

party time

2004-09-18T16:32:00.000+08:00

it's been an interesting week, at work, at home, out and about.
but the end has come because i now enjoy a 5-day work week! i swear all NSFs will vote for our current PM into ministership again once his current term ends.

last night was really some fun shit. had some lan-gaming, playing cs and all, then all 8 of us heading down to zouk to do our guy stuff.. think that while some people suffer from emotional eating, i'm a bit into emotional drinking. wonder which is the lesser of two evils?
still feeling a little down and depressed about the way things have been, the path that my life has currently taken, and it's affecting me quite a bit but like a friend that spoke to me last night said, "aiyah just fuck it all lar william, you're fucking only 20 yrs old and you're fucking superior in your own right. you don't need a girl to tell u how superior you are, any fuckshit can do that. what's important is that you enjoy life now while you still can afford to, without having to worry about studying or working or family life. just fuck it all away and you will smell the freedom, just like ORD!" (sorry about having to type so many expletives, my friend was pretty high at that point of time so yea..)
i guess what he said made good sense to me, because probably a good 2 years ago, i would be the one dishing out this kinda advice to my fellow buddies when they were down, suffering from depression due to relationship problems. there is a time for work, a time to fix, but there is also a time to relax and destress. so i couldn't really fault what he said.
drinks? bought a round of vodka and sex on the beach shots for everyone, opened a bottle of chivas, couple of beers to go along with all that. result? i'm broke. totally broke. 2 weeks of consecutive drinking with this bunch of lunatics has made my poor wallet lose so much weight haha. but it's probably worth it. money can't buy happiness, it can't buy love, but it sure can buy destress-ants. hahaha.
danced till almost closing time when we all couldn't bear it any longer, the great tummy growl was starting to blare out for all to hear. supper at boon tong kee again, burnt more cash there due to my raving appetite after hours of bouncing to the beats. cab back as well. i'm so sorry, dear wallet of mine.
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i know i don't usually write stuff about daily events and my life happenings because i personally don't think that's really of any value nor importance to most people, but this is an exception. i just had a point to mention that sometimes, when it matters most, we tend to overlook and forget the advice we dish out to others when it should be applied to ourselves. human nature, i would say.

brother

2004-09-17T13:49:00.000+08:00

wasn't really doing anything in the office this morning because there was some kinda freak power failure and my bosses all weren't in, so thoughts drifted. came to think of my best friend for the better part of my schooling life, and that last sunday was the one yr anniversary of his passing.

for Jerome Huang

no matter where you are, i hope you're reading this.
you were my brother before,
you will always be my brother.
i miss you.

we met back in primary 1 on the school bus every morning, taking us to school everyday and how we spent endless hours on the bus and in the canteen playing retarded games like the rubber game.
time passed, our friendship grew closer and we became tighter than before. though we were in different classes, we never failed to meet up at any time of the day, even if just to play soccer during recess or after school.
eventually we made it to the same class in primary 5, and we grew closer. when we graduated in primary 6, we told each other we would be in the same secondary school, in the same class. but it was not to be. your psle score was too high from mine to have us drafted into the same class.
but that would not hinder anything, for you moved even nearer to my place and we joined badminton in sec school together. spending days after school at your house were often the most memorable times i had with you, playing soccer on the rooftop of your condo, clicking away on your computer playing championship manager, running around playing with your dog, toofy.
we made our way to school together every morning, meeting at the bus stop and should one of us not be there that morning, the other would be so lonely, having to travel the trip to school alone.
i used to envy the way you had endless amounts of money to spend, the way your parents were so not-strict with you, the things you had so early on when others like myself could never dream of. i always remember the day you called me over after school when your parents bought you the minidisc hifi set and we spent hours on end recording all sorts of nonsense onto blank MDs. we listened to chocolate salty balls until we could recite every lyric and sound by heart.
we always talked to each other about any relationship problems and never failed to be there for the other when either one was down or depressed. we were supposed to study together, but we never did, always ending up walking around town until our parents would call us home.
you would always come over and play soccer at the field in my condo with a group of us, and how we had such fun playing in the rain especially without a care in the world. we all thought we were invincible at 15 years old.
even after secondary school where we ended up in different junior colleges, we still managed to keep in touch. though the first year went by without us meeting more than a couple of times, we revived the friendship in year two without so much as a slight drop in contact, it never felt like we were apart at all.
school ended, and together with clem and des, we had fantastically great times holidaying in HK. shopping endlessly, hugging your treasured nike vapor boots, going crazy over the fashionable designs in HK, commenting that every street in HK was "babe heaven", even sitting on the sand along repulse bay taking spastic photos and playing basketball with a dustbin. till now, i still look through those memorable photos so often and i cant help but feel something missing in my life. the photo of us 4 on the boat to jumbo restaurant still stands tall on my display table.
NS was a testing period for all of us, but peer pressure got us all downgraded one by one, and soon we all became service personnel. the times we had endless nights playing overnight mahjong, eating supper, going clubbing and drinking, these are easily the fondest memories i will take to my grave as well.
i was your best and closest friend, and i will never forget the numerous times you confided in me, telling me how you wish you had a flesh-and-blood brother like me to be there for you when you needed the support, and how we had a tight handshake and hug outside borders on that saturday night where we both had problems of our own to share with the other.
things aren't what they used to be now, because you're not here with me in person anymore, but do not fret, my brother, for you are always and will always reside deep inside where it matters most, where the best memories are kept fresh and living every moment of life.
It's been a year, and we all wonder how you are doing up there, where everything is peaceful and pleasant. we hope you have found your peace, the one thing you have sought after for your entire life.
a toast to you now, my brother Jerome, albeit i'm only holding a cup of apple juice. but it has my deepest soul in it. to you, to us, our past, present and future.
you will always be one of us, one of me, wherever you may be.
i miss you, brother.

i need glue

2004-09-12T13:42:00.000+08:00

destroyed, devastated.

i no longer know what value or worth life holds for me anymore.
everything that i had been motivated to do and succeed in life has been whisked away in a split moment, leaving nothing but the trails of a discontented soul.

utterly thrashed, beaten comprehensively, absolutely whitewashed.

live in the joy that you are not dead

but right now, i think i am rather dead already.

how does one go on in life without aims, motivations, objectives to drive them to their goal? i don't even have any goals anymore except probably to get by this trough period. anything after that, i can't even harbor the thought of considering since i don't know whether i'll even make it out in one piece.

broken into a million pieces, each and every one miles apart from the other. difficult it would be, if even possible, to reconciliate my shattered components.

only that one special kind of glue can patch me back up together.
the brand is love.

it has begun

2004-09-12T02:48:00.000+08:00

the great battle has begun.

heart versus mind.

emotion vs mentality.

feelings vs thoughts.

affection vs logic.

matters of the heart are not to be taken lightly, but neither should those of the mind.

-------

had a destressing session on fri night with couple old friends, drank quite a bit to down those sorrows and subdue depression. bottles of beer, shots of liquor, cups of cocktails, sticks of smokes; but they weren't enough to counter the simple effect of a depressing sight. i think they'll have to invent a new term to replace the category "alcoholics" if i were to become one in order to drown my sorrows. maybe something like "ultra-alcoholics", then they'd have to send me to "Ultra Alcoholics Anonymous (UAA)" haha.

was a relaxing, freeing time for me, one that i suspect was long overdue but never really that missed. but thats not the high point of my day (night).

it was when i got into my zo's car in town heading to zouk, and his freaking lancer had no handlebars at the top, which every normal car would have above the door; had no cosmetic mirrors behind the sunshade; had a spoilt axle (the part which maintains the balance of the car wheels on either side), which made a very irritating and worrying "tut tut tut" sound throughout the ride. we were all already downgraded, but sitting in his car, with his appropriate driving skills had us strengthen the faith that should we choose to downgrade any further, it would be possible - just one more ride in his lancer and it'd be complete.

although i had a nice chicken rice supper before heading home, still couldn't sleep well. slept in fits and couldn't cease tossing and turning throughout the night (morning). woke up at 10 to see my bolster and blanket sprawled all over the room; one pillow was in the opposite corner of my room. a pity i didn't have my digicam handy to take some pics. it's really quite hilarious, looked like i was doing karate drills during my sleep.

looks like i'll be getting a prescription for some heavy-duty sleeping pills again soon. sigh.

---

no peace. no strength. definitely no calm.

i fall

2004-09-10T16:24:00.000+08:00

Packing up the dreams
God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

wihtout a focus and aim in life, i sit here and wonder how to proceed. for i've never been faced with such a daunting task before, one with horrific implications. i'm not trying to exculpate myself from the past, or forge a whole new future, but i just don't know where my life stands right now.

falling in an endless abyss, and falling fast. but there is no rope to pull me back up; instead, there is a strong gust of wind, similar in strength to a hurricane, that assists my speedy trip down the black walls. this is a ride i did not want to take, one that i did not plan, but i probably deserved it, the price i pay. gravity is non-existent in this abyss, and i fall freely. yes, at least i'm free, but i don't know where the ride ends. or when it ends.

people tell me it's just temporary, that i'm feeling all this dejection and cynicism, that things will turn out better tomorrow.

i politely remind them, tomorrow never comes.

my soul - in pictures

2004-09-09T13:47:00.000+08:00

regret

2004-09-09T10:28:00.000+08:00

was never one to look up lyrics to express my inner thoughts but we all make exceptions.

Maroon 5 - Sweetest Goodbye

Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms open hearts
And if it never ends then when do we start?
I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how i
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel

it's cruel how life is, how nature and fate makes you learn lessons from mistakes made in the past, and only letting you realise that mistake after it's too late. i would have complained that it's not fair, but i know everyone goes through it at some point in life so i don't really have a case to present.

live without regrets, some may say, but i beg to differ. regrets help put your mind in perspective, help force you to consider before making future decisions. these regretful thoughts may hurt and sadden you, but it's what reality is all about, as opposed to idealism. regrets let you truly enjoy and cherish the present that you have, because you know you've been down there before and you don't wanna revisit those lands.

it is this regret and cruel nature of life that i have now come to realise certain things that were not dealt with before when it should have been, but i can only regret, once again, that it is already too late.

one more

2004-09-06T23:00:00.000+08:00

oh i forgot one more random quote that came from my office ah-neh, mr vishal. i quote:

...unless for some retarded reason, the heavenly powers decide to fuck you over...

this phrase is used particularly when expressing a very small possibility that something rare is about to occur.

i know it sounds plain stupid and may offend strictly religious guys, but none meant.

i just find that it's a retardedly vulgaristic holy phrase that merges pretty nicely on a whole.

random thoughts

2004-09-06T13:59:00.000+08:00

...

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, just as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fire

- La Rochefoucauld

post hoc ergoproctor hoc
[after which therefore because of which]

vox populi vox die
[the voice of the people is the voice of god]

...

zzz..

2004-09-06T10:02:00.000+08:00

hmmm..

eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 6/10
Physical: 5/10
Giver: 6/10

You are a RPYG--Reserved Practical Physical Giver. This makes you a 1950s Parent.

You are relentlessly patient, loving, generous and devoted. You are unflappable. If on some rare occasion you do raise your voice or say a swear word in anger, anyone around to hear it will remember it (and think it was funny). At the same time, you're very cute and charming, and even if you don't catch someone's eye at the beginning of the night you'll surely have their attention by the end.

Your calm, conservative nature conceals a passionate (and sexy!) heart.

You can have trouble bringing up problems, but your approach to conflict is calm and even-handed. The problem can be is that you are so busy worrying about your partner's satisfaction that you don't ensure your own. This can build up over time and make you restless. Despite your sexual nature, you are more likely to cheat emotionally than physically.

You tend to work out your frustrations in the bedroom. Depending on your partner, this can be an excellent strategy. You would be a great candidate to balance out an XSYT, but not a good match for an unappreciative RPYT.

You have an odd, ritualized vice that doesn't suit the rest of your persona -- like smoking a certain brand of cigarettes or drinking a certain kind of wine.

Of the 52780 people who have taken this quiz, 5.1 % are this type.

hmmm.. i'm not really all that thrilled to be a 1950s parent really, not when i'm about 20 yrs old now haha.
but oh well, it's just another test, just like any other, so i guess it isn't all that impt even though some parts are pretty true i must admit.

------------

been pretty busy with work lately, in camp and outside. been shuttling a lot between camps because my boss is leaving this camp for a new one and i will prob follow him as well. means no more wireless internet access and that sucks =( no more chatting with pals online and surfing retarded things like this heh.

started working on a regular basis part time over at egames and now my slots on sat and sun nights are fixed, with the hope that i can get some weeknight slots as well. so if u intend to ask me out on sat or sun night, dont bother, i'm not free, but u sure can pay me a visit at the shop haha.

caught the show harold and kumar go to whitecastle and i tell u, it's the funniest shit on this earth. you all should really go watch it, even if it costs 8.50, it's still damn worth it. the laughs you will get out of the show, i nearly laughed my butt off the chair, but thats partly because lido seats are quite small and crammy for my big ass.

growl

2004-08-25T00:01:00.000+08:00

a most horrible day at work has forced me to end up blogging this down, although i didn't really have the mood to blog today. and as a result of the shit that happened in the office today, now my whole day today stinks. totally. oh i mean yesterday (24/08).

so lets see, i go into the office in the morning on time rather than late, which is what i usually end up doing because i can't haul my lazy ass off my bed. so then here i am doing my work and chatting online when my boss has to come bug me.
he goes like, hey william, have you finished the work i asked you to do? so i go like, i'm doing it now, sir. then he says why still havent finish? i thought you've been doing it for so long already? so i wanna tell him that its precisely because he keeps asking me to modify the damn worksheet that i can never get to complete it because its so freaking troublesome with thousands of cells linked to one another by formulae which stretches over 10 items in each cell. but i choose to just shut up because i've had enough and i really dun wanna talk anymore. so i go on doing the work and then later in the afternoon when i think i've finally got what he wants, i show it to him.
he goes why this one like that? i thought the formula should be like that .. blahblah.. if you want the damn formula the way you want, just do the damn thing yourself you prick! fuck. so there i was just sucking my thumb because i don't wanna do time in detention for insubordination or whatever crap that is.

and here's the big shit.
ten minutes later, an officer comes in and announces, "hey, new rule guys. from now on, NSFs cannot use the internet access, only Regulars can. so those with network cards, please stop using them. you're only allowed to use during lunch hour from 12 to 1 and during the tea-breaks."

dumbfounded.

so my boss asks why, and listen to this.
the officer goes "oh there was this attachee in the other side that suddenly broke down n cried and all. someone asked him what was wrong and he said his gf wanted to break up with him blahblahblah.. and so his superior asks him how he knows this, and you know what this joker said? oh we were talking on icq just now and she told me."

now, which goddamnfuckersonofabitchbrainlessvegetablespermhead would say something like that? wtf man, i swear i will kill that guy if i know who it is. so his superior had to let him take urgent leave this afternoon to go settle his "domestic problems". talk about ridiculous. and so there, the biggest bomb today. no more internet usage for me unless its strictly for work or its during lunchtime, which makes totally no sense because i would be out for lunch. damn fuckingsonofabitchasshole that guy i tell you. he's just a freaking private and i'm so gonna knock him down some shit if i see him around and i dont give a damn if he has a freaking excuse status.
so now i cant even fucking insert my network card into my laptop. and i wish i had the money to buy a centrino processor laptop with inbuilt wireless LAN but i dont have the money to change laptop right now as much as internet means to me. now my office work isnt much better than being in a combat unit. fuck.

and to make things worse, now i'm at home and my internet wireless lan has something wrong, my laptop disconnects and connects in 10 second intervals. connect, disconnect, connect, disconnect etc. its freaking jamming up my laptop and making my mp3s skip because of the change in settings each time it connects/disconnects. and i am honestly getting so damn pissed off with all this shit.

fuck fuck fuck you fucking chao private whoever the goddamnhellshit you are

super supper

2004-08-23T14:38:00.000+08:00

just came back from lunch with my bosses, went to west coast hawker centre and had mutton soup and rojak. feeling so wonderfully satisfied now. but now, since i'm feeling so very bored in the office with only mundane stuff to do, i have decided to do this entry, and it shall revolve around my favorite meal of the day.

supper.

and to those of you who are gonna tell me that fatty and high-calorie foods should not be taken as supper before going to bed, here's what i say to that, and to you : screw that, and screw you.

i happen to believe that happiness is the ultimate goal/objective of anything that we do in life. why do we wanna work hard to earn more money and buy more things? so that we can be happy with what we've bought. why do we like to do the things we enjoy? because we are happy doing it. why do we detest having to do the things we dislike? it makes us unhappy, that's why.

so, i say that i like to eat all these yummylicious though unhealthy fatty food for supper because this way, i can go to bed happy and have nice pleasant dreams of more yummy food.

* for those who still do not know, i am somewhat of a self-proclaimed food addict/critic and my life pretty much revolves around food, thus contributing to my tubby frame(view photo at the side; yes that grey thing in red underwear is me)

1. roti prata
i don't know what the world would be like without this wonderful indian bread thingy, and i don't think i ever want to. partnered with delicious high quality curry, it is the most amazing late night supper you can have.

2. chicken murtabak
a close substitute for roti prata, and sometimes i prefer it to prata esp. when i'm hungrier than usual since there's meat filling within the layers of crispy bread. also nicer when paired with some hot curry.

3. milo dinosaur
the drink to go along with the 2 abovementioned foods to make your supper a complete satisfaction. yummy ice cold milo topped off with milo flakes and powder. there is also an upgrade option available to upgrade the dinosaur to godzilla.

4. chicken rice
remembering that we ought to be fair to other ethnic groups' foods, i cannot list only all my favorite malay/indian foods, so here is the traditional hainanese chicken rice which i often gobble down so quickly that i don't even realise i had indigestion. silky smooth white chicken in a light soya sauce with fragrant chicken oily rice and some chilli sauce. beware - this dish is easily overeaten in large amounts.

having typed this, now i'm getting hungry.. time to drop by the canteen for some deep friend crispy chicken wings =)

revelation

2004-08-19T10:28:00.000+08:00

most interesting turn of events recently has now left me in the unenviable position of having to rummage through the disorganized thoughts in my head, and to filter the important considerations from the irrelevant ones. it's a big, even humongous change in my present life and lifestyle - those of you who know about it, you know; those who don't, well, you'll get to hear about it soon enough.
it's also interesting how my mind has evolved over the past months, from one of everlasting pessimism and dejection to one of random hope and "i'll let fate decide what it has in store for me" mindset. don't know if this is good, but i know i sure don't like pessimism - it's freaking irritating. had enough of it.

and so, with certain relation to all this, i have come to a conclusion about myself, my personality and my attitude. that i am better off being friends with anyone, than getting involved in any greater personal capacity with them. because of my character, my personality, whatever - i don't know. i've had a fair share of learning experiences over the last couple of years, and these stepping stones have all taught me a great deal, which has resulted in my deeper thinking as i pen down this entry. partially also because i don't feel like doing the work i have been assigned in camp now; feeling very lazy right now.

moreover, plans of going overseas to study in melbourne are in the works, and its prob gonna be in june 05, so to start anything now would simply be stupid and reckless because im not one of those who believe that a long-distance relationship can actually work out in the long run. for a while, probably, but definitely not for the long term.

so i guess i'm better off staying as friends with those that i'm closer to, rather than to delve into anything more and ruin the friendship in the end. it's me, just me, my character; it's the way i am. take it or leave it.

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same."
-Elbert Hubbard

stuff

2004-08-17T09:59:00.000+08:00

ah.

fatigue

2004-08-16T13:02:00.000+08:00

been having so many late nights recently, never realised my body/system could endure this kinda torture. maybe that's why i embody the "ren : endure/tolerate" aspect of life. hahaha how corny.

found this one quite nice, but i think it's gonna be pretty hard to tattoo on coz there's a shadow-like effect and the endure in english strikethrough also seems a little weird. but at least i seem to be finding nicer things nowadays, hopefully this trend can carry on so i can finally discover a dream design to etch onto my body.

back to what i was saying, i've been sleeping at 2+/3+ am everyday since my relatives frm hk came down to visit, been busy having late dinners/suppers and most recently, late mahjong sessions. i'm a self-confessed mahjong addict. and my dad gave me 350 bucks to settle entertaining my cousin n his friend, and guesw how much i spent in total? a whopping $650. which i am obviously going to claim from my dad because it isnt really my personal expenditure, but getting to eat wonderful food for 3 days in a row is really a treat i've been longing for. newton, boon tong kee, nydc, satay club - my dream meals in quick succession.
worked the whole weekend away too, meaning i got very very little sleep and rest this whole weekend which wasnt that much of a weekend to me. only non-work related was going down to simlim to get computer parts to assemble a new machine for elsie's mom. also had a stupid mobilisation exercise on saturday, burning away the whole afternoon. the rest of the weekend hours were spent at work at egames. oh well. what a weekend.
and thus, i have decided to take mc today, no energy to go to camp, but i still have to do my boss' work at home and send it to him later. bah.
i'm seriously lacking in brain juice, need lunch now to refill my energy or i'm gonna be a lifeless shit the rest of today sitting here staring at a 14 inch screen in complete disarray.

kimmie: hey dont fret yea, its just normal monday blues. nobody likes mondays, we're all just like garfield the fat cat. can't do much since ure @ work but here's a little smthg hopefully can bring a smile to ur face deviating frm a moody state. just a couple more hours and it'll all fly by. hang in there.

glut is my name

2004-08-10T08:59:00.000+08:00

take note: glut is now my middle name, and no it's not slut.
allow me to enlighten you further on my recent food ravings - my cousin and his pal came down frm hk so me and my gf brought them on an eating induction course.

sunday

lunch at marche (12pm) - ate a cheese sausage rosti, horribly-burnt chicken breast, root beer. there wasn't time for dessert.

afternoon tea at nydc @ wheelock (4pm) - between 4 of us, we basically had e=mc squared, mango tango float, iced mocha elephanccino, earl grey tea, grandma goes nuts mudpie, times square mudpie, some oreo-thingy mudpie.

dinner at satay club @ clarke quay (8pm) - us 4 ate about 50 sticks of satay, 3 portions of sting ray, 1 portion of sambal sotong, 1 chicken murtabak and couple of beers.

takeaway supper at al-azhar @ bkt tmh (midnight) - each had one egg prata, one plain prata, and a milo dinosaur.

monday

lunch at yoshinoya @ harbourfront (1pm)- ate chicken/beef value/complete meals. nothing very unusual there.

dinner at boon tong kee @ river valley (7pm) - 4 of us shared a total of 1.5 white chicken, 1 plate of beansprout, 1 plate of fried tofu, plates and plates of rice (I had 3 plates).

dessert at nydc @ holland (9pm) - us 4 shared mango tango float, e=mc squared, iced manhattan mocha, diet pepsi, the spy who loved me sundae, irish cream mudpie, some brownie thingy with icecream on top.

now you know why i'm now known as "glut will" or "tubby will".

but you can't fault me; you guys should know how wonderfully delicious and addictive nydc stuff is. so it's not my fault for getting so tubby =)
and on tonight's menu is either newton hawker or seoul garden...
god save the tubby...

friday blues

2004-08-06T11:03:00.000+08:00

it's a poofish day today. normally people get monday blues and all, and friday is normally a happy day since the weekend is nearing. but i dunno what's wrong with me today, having bad friday blues. i know the weekend is coming, but nothing to really look forward to and been having late nights the past 2 weeks, only climbing into bed at 1+ or 2 each night until i couldn't take it anymore, had to sleep at midnight yest.

really doesn't help that i came into the office this morning and the damn internet isn't working, couldn't get online and start my aimless daily surfing. had a meeting too, just got arrowed a new big huge project to complete by end august, damn stressful stuff. endless hours of analyzing numerical data and having to make projections for new numbers. though i'm only a pathetic NSF, i seem to be doing more creditable work than regulars. i think i should demand overtime pay.

had a national day observance ceremony in the theatrette earlier, i must say, now i know the real perks of being in a service HQ rather than in some screwed up combat unit. no parades, no shiny boots, no haircut, no marching drills. just have to sit there and listen to some nonsense speech and sing the national anthem and say the national pledge. both of which, i shall now admit, i have totally completely forgotten. not that i'm ashamed of it though - never was all that patriotic to begin with.

just a small shoutout to my old pals in 1st commando battalion, 5th company, who will be involved in the marchpast as the guard of honour this coming monday. though i don't don a red beret like them, i still sense the deserving pride. for honour and glory, as the motto for commandos says. strike to silence.

i need coffee.

need opinions

2004-08-05T14:44:00.000+08:00

Need some opinions for a new tattoo i wanna get, prob on my back. thinking of a couple of things but it must center around my personal motto of inner calm. got a couple of chinese wordings here. tell me what you think, or recommend me new stuff if you've better ideas.

endure

inner strength

inner peace, but it's a little long

meditative zen

it's a ren but not very nice

i can't bloody seem to find a nice, not so bland-looking ren picture anywhere on the web and i'm hunting for one. if anyone knows where to get it, pls drop me a note.

random crap

2004-08-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling bored so here's some random stuff for you twits to look through, just to pass the time. i'm bored. very bored. someone please entertain me.

my favorite newspaper cutting given by my dear elsie which i even bothered to laminate - dunno if can read the little wordings but i think you can infer as much from the bold title.

my favorite doggie, cute and furry with red underwear. his name is SuperDog =) and i like him very much. he's my sleeping partner(sorry dear, u lost to him =X). lol.

and finally, by popular demand, a horribly self-taken one-handed photo with a 2 megapix camera of my one and only puny pathetic tattoo. i think you should be able to tell its on my right upper arm. kim/jo: there. now are you 2 bums satisfied? =P
for those ignorant ficks, it's a chinese character "ren" which in literal terms means to tolerate/bear. the more inherent meaning is inner peace/inner calm, thus my life motto since a tattoo can't really be easily erased so i'm keeping it for life, with more to come soon. so if you didn't know, that's how i got my life motto. nuff said.

a man's room describes what he's like?

2004-08-02T00:29:00.000+08:00

Now thanks to some help from jaslyn I have learnt the existence of online photo albums that host for free! wow, such a shock, i didn't even know they existed, much less that they're free. haha, and to think i thought i was a techwhizz. well then, so here I am pretty much trying to experiment with the photoblogging thingy, and i have decided to give you all a treat into my private life with pictures of my room!! yes yes what personal sharing i am offering you peons now. live in the honour and glory of knowing the layout of my pathetic room. enjoy the pics and don't forget to answer the question in the entry title.

*oops i think i resized the photos too small.

overview of my room

items(L to R): Mahjong table, extra chairs for mahjong players, stupidandidiotic floor-mounted air-con which is so not-cold, TV that is quite spoilt already, DVD/VCD player and disc rack

items: table with my 6-yr old cranky sony hi-fi set, HP laserjet dunno what model number, a very pathetic collection of cds below

items: computer CPU (Dell sucks), HP deskjet dunno what model also, computer monitor (dell sucks even more), laptop on my study desk, bunch of books and filing area to make it look not-so-empty, 2 lousy chairs that can't support my weight

items: 2 chest of drawers for all kinda nonsense, my pathetic single bed which is meant to collect dust because i dont sleep on it, wall full of nonsense and a low shelf with more nonsense

here you can see my interesting bookshelf which I shall zoom in on later so you can see why its so interesting

an extra sofa bed for my guests who stay over for mahjong or what nonsense, my favorite big blue comfy chair for reading purposes with a matching leg rest. shiok. can also see the back of the old sofa for resting my tired body after a day's work and normally used as a holding area for all sorts of nonsense i throw on it

zoom in on the wall posters. as you can see, i am crazy about the chinese character "ren" - meaning tolerate/inner calm. my life motto. the word of my life

bookshelf part 1: squint a bit and you'll see I am a BIG fan of Tom Clancy and Jeffrey Archer. Michael Crichton is only mediocre. I aspire to complete Clancy and Archer collections by end of this year

bookshelf Part 2: You can see that I am an even bigger fan of Star Wars Books. I similarly aspire to have the entire complete collection of all Star Wars novelizations by end of my life. i still have a lot of time to go. star wars is the best

bookshelf Part 3: I am also an avid John Grisham fan. also aspire to complete his collection of all books by end of this year

Limit

2004-07-23T14:53:00.000+08:00

Unsettling times have passed, but that doesn't mean the world is perfect again. Harmful notions may be gone, but disturbing ones still stay on.
Never did expect to pull through it all and still be around to type this darn entry now, but I'm not leaving anything to chance now. I simply don't trust chance anymore.

Limit

Now that's an interesting word. The dictionary defines it in many ways, but I personally choose this one as my favorite.

A confining or restricting object, agent, or influence which terminates, circumscribes, restrains, or confines

What is a limit? What is your limit? What is mine?
I used to think that people would know when they've "hit the limit; hit the ceiling" and it can't go any higher. I used to think that when you hit the limit, you gotta stop and let it go, because it can't proceed any further. It has been circumscribed, restrained.
Maybe, now my thinking has changed. Maybe, just maybe, some people don't know the limit. Whether they don't see it or don't feel it, I don't know and I don't wish to know. The only important thing is that limits are there for a reason. And that reason is to tell you to stop. You've had enough. Some people choose to push, to test their limit. That is not a good thing. If it doesn't concern me then I couldn't care less. But when it does, you can wager your stinkyass I'll settle it.
I take most things lightly, even personal attacks, but some just don't make that cut.
--------
Don't bug me, don't intrude into my personal life and joys.
Don't bother saying sorry after it's all over.
It's too late for apologies.
It will be too late to regret.

My lack of wisdom

2004-07-09T20:17:00.000+08:00

Pretty much an uneventful week so far, the only highlight, or rather low-point of it is today: wisdom tooth extraction. Good thing being that I now have in my possession a piece of paper which has extreme power in determining the following days of my life. It is a 6-day MC!! Yes, 6 wholesome days of rest without going to camp! =) To all other fellow NSFs: Extract your wisdom tooth during NS time, the MC is thus maximised to its full value! =)

I predict I will be bored to death at home and probably sleeping away most of the free time that I have acquired. Kindly give me suggestions as to what I can possibly do with my time, my abundance of free time. I have shortlisted the following: Read books, read more books, watch vcds, watch more vcds, sleep, sleep more. That is a total of 6 things to occupy myself until next thursday when I next have to return to camp, hopefully without a swollen cheek and gum.

If you feel very free, kinda like me, you can always drop by to visit me! Yes, please, but you can forgo the flowers. I'm not really a very flowery person. Or you can also forward funny entertaining emails or websites to help me occupy my time. What I do not need are directions to websites which display a wonderfully delicious array of foodstuffs which I simply cannot delight myself in during these depressing times =(

The Clerk (Mundane) Life

2004-07-02T13:04:00.000+08:00

Here I will attempt to explain the mundan-ity of my present life, and pretty much the other clerks in my office. And why the subsequent generations of Singaporean males owe it to me and my buddies for making the SAF reduce the NS liability duration.

Handphone alarm goes off at 7.15. I hammer the buttons until I hit the Stop Alarm button. Go back to sleep. Wake up late at 7.45. Rush to shower, wash up and dress for work. Rush to camp. Normally arrive 5 to 15 mins late at work. Switch on my laptop and sit down, eating breakfast while surfing the net. Continue in this semi-hypnotic state for the next 2 hours.
At 10am, proceed to accompany superiors for teabreak, usually someplace out of camp. Return at time X. From time X to 12pm, resume semi-hypnotic state and reduce state of alertness, often known as dozing off.
Leave once again for lunch at 12pm, resume semi-hypnotic duties in the office at 1pm. Attempt to find interesting things to surf on the net, but often fail due to the incompetency of government-provided internet service starnet. Distressed by the failure to find anything interesting to surf, I resort to occupying myself by adopting a zen-like meditative state.
At 430pm, meditation exercise ceases to make way for the it-is-time-to-go-home syndrome, commonly found in NSFs. Start to irritate my superior by folding paper aeroplanes and throwing it at his computer terminal to gain his attention. Express fiery desire to go home immediately. Often, this process takes about 45mins - 1hr to achieve success, by which time it is almost 530pm, the official time to go home.
Complete the daily ritual of switching off lights and power mains in record timing at lightning speed, and proceed down to the carpark with similar efficiency.
Within 5 mins of that, I am out of camp. I have my freedom.

Pop-quiz, hotshots: So now, why do you think they have decided to cut the duration of NS liability?

I myself wonder...

The Time Before

2004-05-24T21:10:00.000+08:00

Which school are you from?

Interested parties should hit that link above, it's really quite interesting though can be inaccurate at times. I got diagnosed as an ACS boy, which is so untrue (no offense to ACSians), because I'm Josephian through every vein in my body, but it's still an intriguing quiz nonetheless.

This brings another thought to my head. How we ignorant boys used to be against each other from different independent schools, and the kind of "feuds" and traditional rivalry that was rampant in all our educational institutions.
I never forget the atmosphere at the National Track and Field meets, or at the National Badminton Finals, where often all the prominent independent male schools are present. Toa Payoh Sports Hall is always rocked with the massive numerical support from ACS(I) and ACS(B), with RI and SJI support represented in small fashion. When ACS(I or B) wins a game against the other ACS, RI and SJI students both jeer at the announcement of the result. When RI wins a game, both ACS schools jeer at the unfavorable result. No offense to anyone from any school, but that was the case as I best remember it.

But one step into JC and everything changed. No more rivalry, in fact some of my closest JC friends came from "rival" secondary schools, and I've never regretted that one bit. I guess that comes from a certain sense of maturity, and overlooking the childish bits of our past. How we can end up mixing with people we had previously jeered at. And no better can this be represented than in the army, where team cohesion is essential to survival, to everything. Not that I like the army, though.

On a better note, I would just like to dedicate a little bit to my special someone

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Thanks dear, for trying too. I do appreciate it, every little sniggling bit of it. To me, love is best when it is felt through the heart, through the soul, overflowing with pleasant emotions. Thank you, for loving me.

21 MAY 04/05

2004-05-21T23:07:00.000+08:00

I like today. I like it very much. It is a good day.
Today, this year, I officially finished my exams.
And more importantly, today, next year, I officially finish my NS!!
I ORD!!
I like.
Just have to bear another year.. I need strength.. I need energy..
NS is making me fat, lazy and unmotivated in life. Haha.
Who would have ever thought NS would do that to a guy?

Shrek 2 is a comic I tell you, it's so damn funny I laughed until I teared in the cinema. Sometimes I wish I had Eddie Murphy's voice and humor so that I could make people around me laugh too. Not to mention be able to do that irritating pop sound with my lips, as Donkey does. Wonder if I could instigate traffic accidents by making that sound while I take cabs.
Anyway, for those who haven't yet seen it, Shrek 2 is definitely worth the 8+ bucks; even the soundtrack alone is good enough. I think I'll even get the DVD when it comes out.

One year more.. just one year.. it's a damn long year.. one whole bloody year.. argh

Life goes on

2004-05-17T20:32:00.000+08:00

Another uneventful week of attempting hard to stay awake in the office but constantly failing to do so.. Training full-time starts this week again, for couple of weeks more and I think it's great, to help me get back into shape, other than to stay round as a yoga ball. Keep telling myself that I will get back into shape during each chance I get to train full-time, but I always fail. Sigh. I need more inspiration, more motivation. Please give me guidance.

Thoughts have been the crux of my mind these days yet again but I think I'm improving in keeping them controlled, bad nasty thoughts at bay while keeping the nice pleasant ones at the top of it all. Still, no matter what, life goes on, with whatever feelings you have, like it or not.

Managed to catch Troy over the weekend with my dearest, really quite a movie I must say. Got me all interested in the whole Greek mythology thing and I even bothered to search up stuff on Achilles and Menelaus and all that Greek thingy. Greek mythology is really quite interesting, if I only had all the time in world with nothing to do, I would actually make it one of my pasttimes and hobbies, but too bad, there's something called the SAF..

Exams are gonna be over by the end of this week and I will have my freedom!! Oh yes, finally, I can start reading my tall stack of new books which eagerly await my devoted attention. My list of favoured authors (in no particular order): John Grisham, Jeffrey Archer, Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton, and all Star Wars novel authors. Always wanted to add in other quality authors like James Patterson, John leCarre, Robert Ludlum etc. but the apparent lack of financial support has forced me into defeat from purchasing their collection of writings. And the way I've been brought up to think of borrowed library books being infested with worms and infectious bugs by my dad disallows my conscious self from pulling anything off any library shelf.

Been having a bit of a talk with my dad lately about going abroad for further studies, he's quite in favor of sending me off someplace to study with exposure and independence.. most likely melbourne or new south wales. Anyone with any info/opinions about these pls drop me a line, would do me a great help with anything at all.

Tired out from training the whole day, gotta get some rest now.

Empty Words

2004-05-10T19:47:00.000+08:00

Once again, been one rollercoaster week again, full of so many ups and downs. I think this has now become my life, the vicious cycle of emotional instability. One moment it's high on cloud nine, the next it's eighteen levels underground. Really hope it'll end soon, even prozac has little effect on me in such times. what a poof.

Managed to squeeze time in to catch Van Helsing earlier today, quite a nice show I must say. Hugh Jackman is so convincing acting the role of a werewolf again as he previously did in X-Men, that I bet if I see him in any other movie, I would presume it's another werewolf show. Kate Beckingsale too. Always vampire-ish shows. I shall call them vampy and wolfish movie stars.

Apart from that, I have decided to be a self-proclaimed critic and offer my worthless reviews on such mundane events in my life, as I have just done as above. And so, I shall proceed to offer my recommendations on two CDs that are worth mentioning, and well worth my money.
The Very Best of The Beach Boys and The Best of R.E.M. In Time 1988-2003.
For darkened souls in search of happy tunes to liven up the mood, turn to the Beach Boys for their ever-so-bouncy songs and lyrics never fail to make me bounce along to their music. For sadistic and vengeful souls, turn to R.E.M. to experience a fair amount of hatred-inducing lyrics and rough sounds.
For those miserly tweebs that refuse to support the purchase of CDs due to the abuse of MP3s over the Net, I would recommend these songs for personal download.
Wouldn't It Be Nice , Good Vibrations , I Get Around by The Beach Boys
Man On The Moon , Daysleeper , Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

Exams have started and I successfully flopped the first paper this morning, effectively finishing a 3-hour paper in 1 hour 15 minutes. Let's all hope the other papers aren't such spoilsports and that I do actually try to study to prepare for the exams. Think my dad will burn my ass for wasting 12K just like that. lol.

For My Special Someone

2004-05-03T23:08:00.000+08:00

Wouldn't It Be Nice - The Beach Boys

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through
The happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending...

Wouldn't it be nice?

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray... it might come true
Baby, then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do...
We could be married and then we'd be happy,

Wouldn't it be nice?

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But let's talk about it...

Wouldn't it be nice?

Give it some thought. It would be nice. I assure you.

How Time Flies - Not Fast Enough

2004-05-02T18:09:00.000+08:00

Yet another week has passed us by, in the blink of an eye. Things are slowly improving, but also more rough patches are finding their way in as well. Sigh.

50 First Dates is one great movie to watch if you need to relax and de-stress. It simply makes anyone laugh their butts off the chair. I laughed so hard at one part of the show I actually teared. That is how good it is, and I never knew that Adam Sandler could play such a serious role. I mean, not that it's a very serious show, but his character was pretty stable without any weird inclinations unlike his past movie appearances, and it was such a new aspect, a new look. The Serious Adam Sandler. Gosh.

Do you ever feel as if time was going too slowly for your liking, and that at certain points in your life you wanted time to whizz past much much faster, eating up every hour, gobbling the day away and practically burn through the entire week, month and year? No, it's not about wanting to age faster. Simply want Time to pull up its socks and buck up, get moving quicker to get over this tough and draining period of mine. I hate it so much and I so wish Time could do me a favour and get its big hairy ass moving quick, 'cos it's moving far too slowly now and it's not something I like to endure.

Exhaustion has devoured my outer life and inner energy in its entirety and now I am barely surviving on reserve energy, no kidding. Maybe a can of redbull a day will keep my doctor away. LOL. I don't exactly need wings, though they could come in handy someday.

Latest News Update : I have decided not to be such a fat slob anymore; going to start working off my flab and blubber. If all goes well (meaning I can actually discipline myself for that long), I told myself I should get in shape by the end of June. Wonder how the hell I'm going to manage that with my whetting appetite and endless meal timings. If any of you out there have any ideas/suggestions to help me along this rocky and trecherous path of weightwatching and weightloss, please drop me a note/comment to help me. Any assistance rendered will be most graciously accepted and sincerely thanked.

Mind vs Heart

2004-04-25T00:26:00.000+08:00

And so the great battle begins. Made some decisions that will affect both my mind and heart in opposite manners. My mind being that I agree with its ideas and have carried them out to some extent, and my heart being that I have decided to put it through a little more. But I'll pull through. It's worth it.

Just realised how fast times really flies, kinda like when you want time to pass quick it moves so slowly, and when you want it to be slow, it whizzes past like a plane. And so my chant for today is:

One year 27 days to ORD LOH!! ^_^

Making Headway

2004-04-23T23:44:00.000+08:00

Finally, things are getting a tad bit better for me and I'm starting to reduce my personal stress levels. Which is a good thing, really. Can't take much more, really, I can't.
All this wouldn't be possible without the compromising and understanding of my dearest...

Dear, just want you to know I notice and appreciate every little thing you're doing to help us both get back to the way we used to be. Thanks so much and I will do my part too..

Just realised that I've been writing non-stop about my relationship and personal problems throughout this blog so I think I should really start writing about other more interesting stuff..

So then, I was listening to William Hung - Inspiration LP and I realised... what a god damn horrible singer he is!! But, credit to him for his courage and shameless attitude to actually agree to produce such a CD... one which would undoubtedly harm so many people and affect numerous societies throughout time...

The real problem I have with Willy Hung is that he is a bloody honkie, and we share the same bloody first name. How the hell did he end up with such a great name and turn out to be such a total puss? So therein lies my depressing story...
In my office at camp, there is only one William: Me. And guess who's the only honkie in the office: you got it, Me. And who's the most popular guy on TV now (arguably)?: William Hung. So why don't you put one and one together and figure out what you get ...
So the phone rings, and someone shouts out for my officer to answer the phone. He's not in so I simply say that he isn't in. Then the caller, who happens to be my dear's daddy, asks for William.
Take the wildest guess what the officer answering the phone said out loud... "Is there a William here..?? Yes, in fact we have William Hung from Hong Kong right here ..."
There, I said it. Blah. William + honkie = Me / William Hung.

What an ideal way to end my working week at the office. Becoming the butt of all local poor-office-humour.